Abstract the Good

Day 4: 3628

2010-11-04T19:20:00.000-07:00

Yes, I realize I am way behind. Thanks for the update. BUT! The past three days have been not only busy, but filled with figuring out how this story is going to work. The truth is, I got past day one, and then I had nothing. Well now, thanks to my good buddy Rishi, I know what I'm doing. Or at least, I know what my characters are doing.

It was nearly daylight now, and Rola continued to head south. It was as good a direction as any, especially since she thought the one actual civilized town in Duran was, in fact, located south of the mines where she'd spent the past year. Of course, the city of Duranport wasn't much of a city, and most of it was run by the same people who ran the mines, and by the time she reached it on foot they'd likely have gotten a message to be looking for her (assuming she reached it without getting caught). But none of that mattered, because it was a port, it was the only port, and it was a way out.

She kept to the base of the hills, running as much as she could stand to run, taking only brief rests when she found a place that was sheltered enough that she wouldn't be seen by anyone approaching. She wasn't cold anymore, but covered in a thin sheen of sticky, dirty sweat underneath her clothes. The hours ahead, with the sun pounding down on her, would be even worse, especially once she made it out of the shadow of the hills.

The good part was, she hadn't heard anyone on her tail. She had her eye on a taller hill just ahead where she thought she could get a good look around her, both back the way she had come to check for anyone following her, and ahead to judge how much further she had to go, or if she was even going the right direction.

Rola ran faster, hoping to deal with the uphill climb before the sun was fully up and the heat began to set in. She soon reached the base of the hill, but saw no easy place to climb it. The sun had not yet crested the rise, so she continued on around, slowing her pace a bit to get a better view of the terrain. At the other side of the hill, Rola stopped dead in her tracks; there was water.

Water. In Duran. This must be the best kept secret on the whole planet of Jarga.

She ran to it, sank to her knees at the edge of the small pool and thrust her cupped hands into the water. It was so muddy she couldn't see her hands once they were submerged, but she didn't care. She scooped water over her head and splashed it over her clothes, cooling herself off more than cleaning her or quenching her thirst.

Once she was thoroughly soaked, she stood. There was no point in drinking this water, or refilling her canteen. She had enough to last a couple of days if she used it sparingly, and she'd be in Duranport in that length of time. Nonetheless, the water felt good against her skin.

The sun was just beginning to peak above the top of the hill as Rola climbed the side. She had traveled all the way around to the southern side of the hill so she wouldn't be seen by anyone approaching. Before she even made it to the top, however, she realized her mistake: Duranport was just on the other side of the ridge, only a few miles west of where she now stood. Anyone looking from that side of the range could have spotted her already, could already be closing in.

Fortunately, there was better cover on the western side of the hills. Yes, the sun was in her eyes, but at least there were bushes and large rocks and slightly rolling hills, places she could hide or duck out of sight. And she would be there much sooner than she thought: a few hours would have her on a ship.

Rola took a quick look back the way she had come to make sure there was still no one following her, then surveyed the terrain she had yet to cover. It looked empty, especially compared to the outskirts of any other city, and especially in the morning. There should be farmers carting their foods to the market and merchant wagons peddling their wares. Here there was nothing, no farmers, no merchants, no nothing. And for Rola, that was a good thing.

She headed down the side of the hill at a brisk pace, taking little care about being spotted. When she was back on semi-level ground, she started running again, with renewed vigor from being so close to her goal of getting away. There were still no roads, but at least there was a semblance of paths here, making her going even easier. She hardly glanced backwards at all before she was in the edges of the city of Duranport.

It was not a large city. It couldn't even really be called a city, except that there was nothing else on this entire continent and Duranport was the hub. There were hundreds of ships at the extensive docks, thousands even, but most of the ship workers chose to stay aboard or nearby their ships, hoping to get in and out of port as fast as possible. This place was a processing station, nothing more.

The low buildings were spread out in a shallow crescent along the wide bay. They all had the same dull, flat, baked mud exterior and the same square, windowless shape. The tallest building was perhaps three stories, and it did have large windows on the top floor with a small balcony. It stood out among its short, squat neighbors.

Rola made her way towards the harbor slowly, looking for various supplies along the way. There was no market square in Duranport, as there were few people buying anything. Most of the people stayed inside during the heat of the day, so Rola did not encounter many people in the streets, and that suited her just fine. She saw what she suspected to be a grocers, with a colorful awning spreading out in front of it and a few baskets of coconuts and pineapples and some fruit she didn't recognize sitting next to the wall. She had food for a few more days, so she kept heading towards the docks.

She went directly to the largest ship she saw. The larger the ship, the easier it would be to get lost on it. She climbed up the ramp, hopped onto the deck, and approached the first person she saw. “Who do I need to speak to to get passage on this ship?”

The man, a large, barrel-chested man with bowed legs from too much time at sea, stared at her for a long moment before responding. “Fresh from the mines, then?” he asked.

“What?” Surely there were other passengers out of Duran, even if only rarely.

He jerked his head slightly upward. “Your hair is short. You've come from the mines.”

Rola reached up and scrubbed her hand through her cropped, shaggy hair. If she had thought about it possibly giving her away, she would have made some attempt to hide it, or at least come up with an excuse. Now it was too obvious, and too late. “I did my time. Now who do I talk to about passage?”

The man heaved a large coil of rope onto his shoulder, then turned away, yelling, “Terek!” as he walked away from her.

A short, squat man towards the back of the ship came forward to meet the first sailor, who simply pointed over his shoulder at Rola and kept walking. The short man ambled over to where Rola was standing and planted his feet wide, the stance of a seasoned seaman. He crossed his arms, looked her up and down, and then said, “You're from the mines.”

“I see I should have bought a hat,” Rola said, “but I opted to save my money for passage on your fine ship.” She spread her hands to indicate the ship around her, then crossed her arms.

“They don't let folks out of the mines, at least not without prior arrangements. You've run off.”

“I did my time, paid my dues, and now I'm offering to pay you. I'll pay or I'll work, but you're leaving port either way and I would like to be aboard when you do.”

The man had not moved a muscle. “They'll hang me if they find an escaped prisoner aboard my ship. You know that as well as I.”

“Fine. I'll find another captain who likes the yellow of my gold better than you do.” Rola turned and started to climb back onto the ladder.

“Hold up, there,” the captain said, making his way closer to her. He came to a stop only inches from her, where she could hear him whisper, “Yellow, did you say?”

“I did.”

“Mayhap I like your yellow just fine.” He put his hand on her arm to guide her back onto the ship. “Let me see the shade, then we'll see what we can do about finding you a hat.”

NaNo Day 1: 2113

2010-11-01T14:54:00.000-07:00

For this NaNoWriMo, I decided to write that prequel I mentioned in my last Teaser Tuesday post: Rola Noro, and I obviously decided to post it here. I don't really have a plot for this, other than that laid out in the Teaser Tuesday bit (which is vague at best), but that seems to work better for me anyway.

Please keep in mind that this is NaNoWriMo we're talking about here, so there's no editing (or at least very little--I am trying to catch typos, and occasionally I just can't help myself). This is all about speed writing. Also, in case you don't know this about me and my writing, I like dialogue, and I'm not overly fond of description or speech tags. And again, there's no plan. What I'm saying is, don't expect anything spectacular. Let's hope it will be fun anyway.

If you have critique for me, or if something is unclear, please, please, PLEASE let me know. I know that I'm horrible at explaining things, and usually that's because I don't recognize that it's not clear, so if you say, "Hey, what's that all about?" I'll try to work in a bit more info, which, by the by, is also good for the word count. With that said, this is epic fantasy, so there is some stuff that I'm just plain making up (and, you know, it's fiction, so I'm making ALL of it up), but which will hopefully make sense at some point.

Anyway, I'm cool with feedback, good or bad. Actually, I LOVE feedback, so let me have it.

Rola shivered. It's easy to forget how cold the nights get on Duran, especially if you have never experienced one outside the heat of the mines. Of course, she knew it would be cold. Everyone knew nights on Duran were cold, just like everyone knew days on Duran were hot. The whole continent should have been renamed Harsh. She shivered again and pulled her coat closer around her neck.

There would be no fire. Even if there had been something to burn, a fire would attract attention, and Rola wanted attention even less than she wanted to be cold. She might as well sneak back into the mines long enough to get warm and perhaps have a spot of breakfast before running away again.

No, she'd just have to be cold for now. It was a miracle she'd gotten away the first time; trying it again would be just plain stupid. Rola was not stupid. She was just cold.

She shivered again and looked to the sky for signs of morning. It would be hot soon enough. She could wait.

In fact, she could do better than wait. She could make progress. Rola climbed to her feet, brushed the loose dirt off her clothes—not that it helped much—and pulled her coat tight around her. She could still feel the wind poking at her through the thin fabric, but it was all she had. She made a slow surveillance of the territory around her, checking to see if she'd been followed, for signs of life, someone who might be able to help her, a direction, wild animals, anything. The one direction she couldn't go was back into the low hills behind her, back into the mines, back into hell.

If she were caught, the very least in store for her was a very severe beating, perhaps one so severe she would no longer be able to work, and then she'd be useless and they would remove their burden. More than likely they'd just kill her outright and now even try bringing her back into the fold. Now that she'd escaped, she had to really escape.

Rola picked up her canteen and the small bag containing the few things she'd managed to bring with her; a few scraps of hard, dry food; a small, dented knife; a length of rope she'd brought for who knows what reason; and in the bottom of the bag, her prized possession, and the one that would likely get her killed—a single gold coin.

Oh, the foreman would be after her, all right. He'd probably had to save up for years just to get that one gold piece. It was either that or a family heirloom, and either way he wouldn't be happy about her taking it. No, as soon as he figured out what she'd taken, he'd be after her. Hopefully she'd hear the dogs soon enough to start running.

She slung the bag over the shoulder and turned south. She would have a better chance of staying hidden along the edge of the hills, where the terrain was rougher, but at least there was some cover. There may even be some water or food, if she was lucky.

Then again, she'd gotten away from the mines with water, food, a knife, a piece of gold, and her life. Rola didn't think she could get much luckier than that.

~~~~~

“You understand what I'm asking you to do, then?” the man said. His eyes darted around the room, looking for any intruders, eavesdroppers, even though he knew there could be none.

“It ain't complicated, and I ain't stupid. You think you're so fancy, sitting up there in that palace and wearing all them fancy clothes and talking to all them fancy people, but you don't know nothing. You think you're better than me, cause of what I do, but you're not. You're—”

“That will be quite enough,” he said, waving his hands in dismissal. “I'll expect it done within the week.”

“And I'll expect my payment within the day.”

“You'll have it within the hour.” He nodded at the small figure across from him and stood up from his chair. “Oh, and please remember to use discretion. It is your life we're talking about here, not mine.”

“Just don't you worry. I ain't about to go squealing to the Sedien.”

“Best not.” He picked up his coat and swung it over his shoulders. “Belaran, we're done.”

The small figure looked up, the first move he'd made since he first opened the line. He glanced back down at the stone plinth between his hands, which glowed for a brief moment, then he stepped away and looked up once again. “The connection is closed, sir.”

“Good. Let's go.”

Belaran walked to the wall and spread his hands on the solid stone. Like the plinth had, the wall glowed briefly, but then seemed to shimmer. He stepped back, but left one hand on the wall. “You first, sir. It's safe now.”

“You're sure there's no one out there?”

“Yes, sir, positive.”

“Close the door after I'm out. Wait a few minutes before you follow me.” The man stepped through the shimmering wall without another word.

There was always that slightly sick feeling when passing through magic. He wondered briefly if magicians felt that way all the time, and shuddered. He looked back at the wall and placed his hand on it to check that it was solid once again. He sniffed, and walked away down the hall, into the heart of the palace.

When he turned a corner, he spotted a pair of guards in the corridor ahead of him. “You two,” he said, “come here.” He stopped where he was and waited for them to walk over to him. When they had approached, he pointed back down the hallway he had just come from, back toward the room where the magician was still hiding. He dropped his voice to a whisper when he addressed them again. “Guard this hallway. I have a suspicion there may be someone following me. Make sure there's not.” Belaran could find his own way out.

It was an honor to be allowed to use the plinths, to be trusted with such important communications, Magda knew, but all the same, magic made her uneasy. She would have much rather sent a messenger for this. No state secrets were being divulged during this conversation, it was a simple summons, and yet the Koninesa had to use the plinth. Magda thought they were only using the plinth because it was more prestigious, and the Koninesa had no reason for that—after all, she was the Koninesa, the most prestigious of them all. Why bother showing off?

Then again, she was contacting the Corporation, and the Koninesa needed to show her rank, her influence, her power. Would they even respond to a simple messenger? Probably, but it would likely be in their own good time. The Koninesa wanted them to come now, without delay, and that meant demonstrating that they had reason to obey her.

Magda walked briskly down the corridor, Fernan following in her wake. Even the magician himself made the hair on her arms prickle. She had no intention of walking beside him. He had asked her a number of times to slow down, but eventually stopped as they made their way through the long halls of the palace. Now she could hear him huffing along behind her, struggling to keep up with her quick pace.

“Commander,” he said once again.

“Hurry up, Gemmafore, I haven't got all day, and this is an urgent message from the Koninesa herself,” she spit back without so much as slowing her pace.

“Commander General, please.” His footsteps had stopped. Magda stopped also and turned around to look at the magician. He stood very still in the middle of the corridor wit his head cocked to the side and his eyes squinted, like he was listening to something he couldn't quite hear. She took a step back towards him. “There's magic near … someone is using …” He straightened his posture, but scrunched his face. “Someone is using the plinth?”

“Impossible,” she said. “You're the only one who can get in.”

“Not necessarily, Commander. Many magicians can use plinths, and most of them are designed with the same securities, which is by no means complicated. Theoretically, any earth magician could use the plinth, granted they know where it is, and granted there is someone to receive their communication.”

“But you're the only authorized magician in the palace.”

“Well, perhaps it is someone unauthorized.”

“Or perhaps you're just wrong.”

“Commander--” The magician began to protest, but Magda was always striding away from him, still heading toward the plinth. He hurried to follow.

Just as she was about to turn the final corner, she felt her feet attach themselves to the floor and jerked to a stop. She twisted around to yell at the magician and found him close behind her. He pressed one finger to her lips and whispered, “I am very sorry, Commander, but if there is someone unauthorized using the plinth, don't you wish to know who it is?” She sneered at him. Once he realized she wasn't going to give them away, he removed his finger from her lips and moved around in front of her. “There is magic present, and therefore it is one of my order disobeying the laws of the palace. You may arrest him if you wish, but I may be able to tell you his motivations.”

“And if there's no one?”

“If there's no one, you may have me brought up on charges of impeding the Commander General in the duty of the Koninesa.”

“That would be treason, magician.”

“So it would.” She held his stare for a moment. If he was so sure there was some magician acting out of bounds as to face charges of treason, wasn't it her job to investigate? Besides, what would it hurt to wait a moment longer?

She nodded her assent and felt the floor loosen around her feet. “We wait, then?” she asked.

“Yes,” he said. He peeked his head around the corridor, then turned back to her. “But not long. The communication has ended. They'll be out shortly.”

“Should we hide, do you think?” she asked, her eyebrows raised.

“Strategy is your area of expertise, Commander,” he replied, bowing his head to her. She rolled her eyes at him, then pressed herself against the wall, and motioned for him to do the same.

A moment later she heard the magician draw a sharp breath, and then there were footsteps. Someone had come out of the plinth room. She heard the steps approach the place they stood, then watched as Magister Baristam strode past.

When she was sure he was past, she turned to the magician. She kept her voice low. “Magister Baristam is perfectly authorized to use the plinths at his own discretion.”

“Yes, but there is still the question of the magician assisting him. Wait just another moment, I beg of you.” They stood in silence for a few minutes longer, and then there were footsteps ringing in the hall: loud, booted footsteps. Guards.

Magda sneered at the magician once again, then took the few steps out into the hallway, turning towards the entrance to the plinth room. The magician had no choice but to follow. The guards yelled out to them, “Stop!”

Magda turned on her heel mid-step. The pair of guards drew up short and snapped to attention. “What business do you have stopping me?”

“None, Commander, apologies,” the shorter of the two stuttered.

“Why are you guarding this hallway? Who set you here? I don't remember placing this area on your patrol.”

“No, sir,” said the other. “Magister Baristam asked us to check. Thought he was being followed, sir.”

“Commander,” interrupted the magician.

Magda ignored him. “Hmm. Well, I've no reason and no desire to follow Baristam anywhere. I do, however, have a reason and a desire to keep this palace safe, as should you.”

“Commander,” said the magician once again.

“Get back to your patrol.”

“Yes, Commander.” Both of the guards turned and went back to their posts.

“Commander,” pressed the magician.

“What is it? What do you want now?” she said.

“He's gone.”

Rola Noro

2010-09-07T05:13:00.000-07:00

This little bit is part of a character sketch I did for one of the main characters is the book I work on most. It's one of the first things I wrote for that book, and I still love the feel of it. When I'm writing, I try to get my words and tone to match this little bit as much as possible. That's how much I love it.

A lot has changed since I wrote it, but, as this isn't technically part of the book, I'm not touching this one. Eventually this story might make it into a prequel, because it would be an exciting one, but I'm not there just yet. Right now, here is an introduction to Commander General Rola Noro.

No one would ever believe her.

She wasn’t sure she believed it herself. How had life brought her to this juncture?

Years ago she wouldn’t have expected to be alive even this long. Months ago she was across the world, living like a scavenger in Duran. Weeks ago she’d been on the run and hiding from the En Sedien in the imperial city. Days ago she’d been captured. Hours ago she'd been brought before the Koninesa. Mere minutes ago she has been sure she was looking her executioner in the face.

And yet here she stood, alive and barely injured. Her left forearm stung where she had been cut, and her breath came heavy and quick. Her back and legs and arms ached with exhaustion. But she was still alive.

Her executioner’s body—no, not an executioner, just a guard, a servant, and no threat now at any rate—lay before her. She’d only managed to give the woman a single wound (damn, but she was quick!), but Rola had taken the only opportunity presented to her and made it count.

But no one would believe it had been a fair fight. The Witnesses had run when the En Sedien fell, presumably to fetch more of the same. Rola Noro was no fool. She knew the En Sedien would feel this loss sharply. She knew they would see her dead for her offense even though all of the niceties had been observed and she had committed no crime. She knew the sword would not be enough. She knew the sword would make everything worse.

She let it lie there next to its previous owner. When the Blademaster fell—for that’s what she was, and the sword a legendary Blade of Rehdrim—the glistening white weapon had leapt from her hands to lie at Rola’s feet. She didn’t dare pick it up.

She had won and by rights the sword was hers now. But the Konin had always had a Blademaster in their service, and the En Sedien among their ranks, and she had just killed their last. She was wanted anyway, a criminal, though through no fault of her own. They would not go easy on her. Perhaps if she did not claim the sword, if she left it for them to find a new Blademaster, she would be allowed to keep her life.

Rola sighed. It didn’t work that way. The Blade was hers, and only hers. No one else would be able to wield it until they bested her in combat. If anyone was to find a new Blademaster, it would be her. And it would be her end.

Shouts and the pounding of booted feet filled the corridor. “Here! Here! She’s in here!” She could have run, they had certainly been gone long enough. She could have grabbed the sword and run. She could have been out of the palace by now and halfway to the harbor. But there was nowhere she could go that they could not find her. And for this offense, find her they would. So she waited.

Dropping her own sword to the floor, she stood there unarmed while En Sedien filled the room around her.

Shock had registered on more than a few faces as they entered, but they were schooled well enough to let it pass, and their surprised expressions were quickly replaced with anger. Every one of them had their swords drawn and ready. Every one of them could end her life on a single word from the Koninesa.

And now the Koninesa was here, her presence rolling into the room as a single-bodied stampede. Rola closed her eyes and prayed that her death would be quick.

“Pick up your sword.”

Rola blinked. So she would have to fight again before she was killed. Her limbs were already weary and about to give—the Blademaster had been no easy match, and they had fought a long while—and the En Sedien were many. She had no chance.

“I command you to pick up your sword,” the Koninesa said sharply. “I’ll not repeat myself again.”

Slowly, unsteadily, Rola bent and clasped her hand around the hilt of the sword she had dropped, the sword covered in the Blademaster’s blood.

“Not that one.”

I Found God

2010-08-24T19:48:00.000-07:00

This is very short, but it's one of my favorite bits I've ever written. It's the spark of one of the novels in my head just waiting to get out. This one is definitely a "mood" writing though--I have to be feeling rather Marilynne Robinson to write this particular story (and I'm usually not).

I found God when I was seven. I hadn't been particularly looking for him, but, after all, he came looking for me. He was perched in the branches of an oak tree, and he said he was talking with the birds. Their song had been especially loud that day, so I had no reason not to believe him.

I sat down in my usual spot and leaned against the trunk. The roots were spaced just right to nestle between, and the thick fall of leaves padded my seat, and I would much rather watch the foam at the edge of the water, stare into the murky shallows and see nothing, nothing move, than go inside and hear the roar and bore of the television. I don't know if God would rather watch television than talk to the birds, but I do know he'd rather sit with me, because that's just what he did.

I didn't hear him climb down or even jump, although I suppose he must've, but he sat silently by my side and we pondered what seven- and nine-year-olds ponder (for he told me he was nine). I wished for a breeze and it came, and my hair trickled across my face. I've always loved the feel of it, and I smiled. He smiled back.

But he wasn't God at first, because such a concept as God, the Creator and Master of all things, sitting in the dirt at my side, was beyond me then. To walk with him and sit, to listen to his words and voice, his birdsong, and to dip our toes into the gloom and muck seemed the most natural of all things. Such a concept is beyond me still, but here it is nonetheless.

My mother and father revered our good earth and it's bearings, and taught me to do much the same. Our house was surrounded in it and extended by it, trees and streams and tadpoles and decaying leaf our home too. This spot was my favorite, though, with the perfect tree to lean against, the perfect lap of water just in front of me, the perfect overhang of branches to provide shelter and shade and seclusion.

No one knew about my perfect spot, my secret, and it was only mine, so when he appeared there I took him for mine too. I guess he still is. I don't know what it is about possession, but if there was ever a place or a moment or a God I could lay claim to, surely that was it.

We sat there most of the day, and when it was almost dark I went back to the house, following its glow through the woods. He walked with me to the edge of the yard, then said he had to be going too, so he disappeared behind a tree and I went inside.

Dad was poking at the fire, even though it wasn't really cold, and Mom was setting a big bowl of potatoes, carrots, and onions on the table. I told them I had found God down by the creek. Dad said that he'd met God once, and Mom told me to be careful I didn't fall in.

Teaser Tuesday: Rick Merritt

2010-08-10T12:39:00.000-07:00

This is a short bit of something I've been working on intermittently for years, a YA story about a boy who gets caught up in the politics of another world. Super-duper rough, but that's what first drafts are for, right?

“So what do you think, Ricky? Do you want to go?”

Rick shut his locker door and slung his backpack over his shoulder. “Where did you say it was?”

Portia looped her arm through Rick’s elbow and guided him into the stream of students. “At Luke Brennegan’s house. His parents are supposed to be gone all weekend, and he’s got a pool.”

“All right, I’ll ask my mom,” Rick answered.

She swatted him on the arm with her free hand. “Ask your mom? You’re such a goof, Ricky. I would never ask my mom about a thing like that in a million years. She’d probably have a conniption if I so much as mentioned it, and then I’d have to tell her that I was just…”

The echo of his steps on the hard floor drowned out her voice.

There was no echo in the school.

There were no students in the hall.

His footsteps echoed.

Rick looked down at the polished marble beneath his feet, at the smooth black tiles flecked with gold. The floor was so dark it reflected the burnished wood paneling of the walls and the shallow lamps that hung above his head. There were no windows.

He moved at a steady pace down the hallway. A number of doors opened into the hall from little enclaves, and there were small recesses set at regular intervals along each wall, some of them holding some type of display—a small statue, a medal, a trinket. He barely spared them a glance.

Finally he reached a door at the far end from where he’d begun. Instinctively he stopped and turned to face it. It was standing slightly ajar. Without understanding what he was doing, Rick stretched out his hand towards the handle, but then hesitated and pulled it away.

He turned his hand over in front of him, flexing his fingers in the air, and then he shook his head and chuckled. He reached out again and ran his fingers down the smooth surface of the door until his fingers touched the handle. He wrapped his fingers around the door handle and pulled it shut with a soft click.

He didn’t remove his fingers for a long second, but stood there staring at them and at the door. Why should that be significant? he thought. It’s just a door.

“Rick Merritt, you’re not even listening to me!”

Rick blinked. Portia was standing in front of him with her hands on her hips. His own hand was out in front of him in a strange position, as if he’d been holding something. The crowd in the hallway was thinning, but there were still students moving around them. “Better do what she says, Merritt,” one of them said close to his ear before ducking into the classroom beside them.

“What’s the matter with you?” she hissed. “You look like an idiot standing there like that!”

He dropped his hand, shook his head, and straightened. “Sorry, I just… dazed out for a minute there."

“I’ll say you did,” she retorted, tugging on his arm. “Now come on, Mrs. Hendrick will kill us if we’re late.”

He allowed her to lead him down the hallway, into a classroom, and to a seat towards the back. She slipped into the seat beside him. The bell rang just as they were sitting, and Mrs. Hendrick immediately began going over the day’s lesson.

Rick dug his history book and notebook out of his bag as quietly as he could, flipping open to the current chapter. He pulled his pencil out of the coil and pressed its tip to his paper, prepared to copy down any important notes Mrs. Hendrick would share.

A quick glance at Portia showed her staring at him. She was frowning, and her eyebrows were drawn together, creasing her forehead slightly. It was very rare to see Portia frowning, and even rarer to see her creasing her forehead; she was worried.

“You okay?” Rick mouthed at her, his eyebrows raised.

Her eyes flicked towards the front of the room, and then back to Rick. She raised her own eyebrows in response and mouthed back, “Are you?”
He shrugged and offered her a half-smile. She bit her lip, and so he added a nod. After taking a deep breath, she nodded too, and looked to Mrs. Hendrick. He’d missed what she was saying. Something about the Battle of Shiloh, he thought. He’d have to go back to reread that section in the book.

Two guards stood at either end of the short corridor. The one at the western end wore shades on his eyes to protect them from the late day sun. The other had his back turned, staring out over the city.

The doors to the conference room took up most of the wall. A wide arch jutted out from the entrance, casting a shadow across the opening and giving the illusion of a tunnel.

As he approached, the doors swung open silently; the two people within the chamber did not seem to notice. The man facing away from the door was small and wispy, and his hair hung long and gray. The other was younger, with only tiny flecks of white making an appearance in his dark hair. The two of them were arguing about something, and sat tense.

“But the Noken have spies in your court! If you reveal the entirety of your plan tomorrow you’ll be setting yourself up for ambush.” The older man leaned forward so far his beard swept the table.

“The Noken have spies everywhere,” answered the younger, leaning back into his chair and waving his hand. “They’ll learn the plan sooner or later—if they don’t know it already—so what difference does it make when I announce it?”

“It would give us time, Majesty, time,” he spit, his fists pounding against the gleaming table, “to search them out and remove them from your court!”

The younger man jumped to his feet. “If that is your hope then search, but this is the time you have! You’ve not found them yet, and I’ll not wait for you to catch up to your illusions.” He placed his fists on the table and leaned forward to tower over the older man, then hissed, “And I’ll not change my plans for dirty cowards like the Noken.”

“We're not all cowards, Arkos," came a soft, high voice from the shadows behind him.

The old man sprang backwards, knocking his chair to the floor with a loud clatter and falling over it as a dark figure pounced on the king. Arkos twisted to meet his attacker, but the small intruder was too quick and jumped on his back, and wrapped a cord quickly around Arkos' throat, cutting off his air.
Arkos fought and choked and spat out in disbelief, "Noken . . . in . . . my . . . hall!" slamming himself against the wall, trapping his would-be murderer. But the attack did not cease, and the cord did not slack. "Solitus!" Arkos reached towards his counselor to find him gone and the door swinging wide. "Sol . . . i . . . "

But then the king's arm dropped, and he slumped, sliding down to the floor with the villain still on his back.

Seconds later, Solitus ran back into the chamber, and a dozen guards clambered in behind him and immediately began to search the room. The old man jerked to a stop when he saw Arkos lying dead. "My king . . ." he breathed. He dropped to his knees beside Arkos, not hearing the clamor around him, not hearing the guards call the alarm.
“Counselor Solitus,” one of them said, “the attacker’s escaped. Must’ve fled across the rooftops. We’re sending out the squads to comb the city. Wherever he’s gone, we’ll find him.”
“Mr. Merritt!” Mrs. Hendrick’s high voice clapped against his consciousness, and he jerked upright. He drew a deep breath and looked around; everyone in the class was staring at him, and Portia was frowning again. “Are you quite well?”
Rick felt a bead of sweat roll down his temple, and he shuddered. “I think I . . .” he sputtered. His tongue was thick and dry in his mouth. He swallowed with some difficulty, and began again. “May I please go to the nurse?”
She appraised him for a moment, her eyes searching his face. He wiped the sweat from his upper lip, and left his hand over his mouth. “You may. Take the hall pass.”

He nodded once, and then rose from his seat. His hand stuck to his notebook, and it fell into his chair as he stood. He glanced at Portia to see her forehead still creased with worry, and then made his way to the front of the room. He grabbed the hall pass from its hook beside the door on his way out and stepped out into the empty hall, shutting the door behind him.
He walked slowly, running over the scene he had just witnessed. What happened? he thought. Where was I? The conference room where the king had been murdered could have been anywhere: tiled floor, paneled walls, a long table, and not much else in the room. Its placement seemed somewhat odd though, secluded as it was.
Judging from what he’d seen in the corridor outside at first, they were at or near the top of some tall building. He hadn’t gotten a very good look at the city below, noticing only that it was actually a city, and he had no indication of which city it was.
But the old man, the counselor, had a . . . he searched for the right word, picturing the strip of blue that sat across the man’s shoulders. A sash. Surely that means something. The others, including both the guards and the now-dead king, had been dressed unremarkably, wearing suits and ties, as would be expected in such an office. Arkos’ suit was dark blue, the guards in the corridor wore gray, and those who came rushing in with the counselor wore black. I’ll have to Google it when I get home. English-speaking nations with kings and counselors who wear blue sashes. That should narrow it down.
But there was something familiar about the whole thing. He’d been there before. He’d seen King Arkos and Counselor . . . what was his name? . . . Solitus before. And that voice, the soft, high voice of the attacker was a voice he knew. He couldn’t be positive, given the circumstances, but he thought it sounded female.

Rick stopped dead in the middle of the hallway and stood bolt upright. What am I thinking? This isn’t real, it’s just in my head. I probably just ate something bad for lunch. He shook his head and continued to the nurse’s office at a much quicker pace.

Elisha, Limited

2010-05-19T12:03:00.000-07:00

One of the major points of IOWL is limiting beliefs, how things you believe, that you might not even know you believe, can hold you back from achieving what you really want. I listened to an episode the other day where Renee (the host) was talking about the limiting belief that you can have only one thing or another, but not both, and it got me thinking. I've come across a couple of limiting beliefs that I hadn't realized before.

(These are reframed into positive statements, obviously.)

1. I can BOTH be slim and healthy AND be connected to my family and friends.

One of my worst eating/binging/out of control times is dinner time, or really, any time that I am at my parents' house. Evenings and weekends especially are especially hard. (Breakfast doesn't usually pose to much of a problem during the week, because I have limited time, and I'm usually trying to "be good" for the day.)

In addition to that, all of our family get-togethers--celebrations, whatever--revolve around food. Hey, we've got nothing to do this weekend, let's have a cookout! Hey, there's a horse race on TV, let's stuff ourselves! It's even that way with my friends. I haven't seen you for a while, how about we go out to lunch? I need to talk to you, can we meet up for dinner?

I feel like my whole life is based around food. And that's not a good thing.
But the thing is, just because there's always food does NOT mean I always have to overeat, or that I have to eat unhealthy foods. But I do anyway.

There's a block in me that's saying, "I can't eat healthy because my family won't eat healthy." Well, it is true that they have told me that they do not want to eat a diet that is as healthy as the ideal diet I have in my head. (The fact that I don't eat that diet either is irrelevant, because this is my excuse for that.) They have told me that they do not want to exercise as much as I want to, they don't want to participate in the activities that I want to participate in. They are not willing to change their eating habits for me.

But they don't control me. They're not forcing food into my mouth. I even buy most of the groceries and do a good deal of the cooking. If I cooked healthy food, they would eat it. They are not against healthy food, they just don't want to give up their non-healthy food. And they do support me, at least verbally.

The other part of it is, I really want to encourage them to be healthy too. How can I do that if I use their unhealthy habits as an excuse for me not to have healthy habits? I'm contradicting myself.

But I feel like the unhealthy one in the family. I've always been the fat one, the one who eats too much. Yes, most of the rest of my family is overweight too, but I'm the worse. I weigh more than my dad, more than my mom, and certainly more than everybody else, and by a fair amount. That's my role in the family, the fat one. Who am I if I'm not fat? Where do I fit in? How do I relate to them?

I have to change my belief. I have to believe that it IS possible for me to be healthy AND relate to my family and friends. I just need to find some way to relate other than through food.

2. I can BOTH be slim and healthy AND eat delicious food.

I have a love-hate relationship with food. Mostly love. I love recipes, I love cooking, I love smelling and tasting and seeing food. I just love food. I love the way it feels in my mouth. I love the anticipation of eating. So I guess the "hate" part of "love-hate" is just for me: I hate myself for eating unhealthy foods I know I shouldn't eat.

Especially now that I'm considering cooking as an income stream, I am uncertain of how that is going to affect my diet. Logically, I know it could go either way. If I'm cooking healthy meals for other people, that will encourage me to cook and eat those healthy meals for myself. But what if the people I'm cooking for don't want healthy meals, or at least not my definition of healthy? What do I do then? How do I do research on recipes and cooking techniques and so forth without eating anything unhealthy?

And although I know this part of the logic is flawed, but if I do adopt a healthy diet, does that mean I'll never again be able to eat the unhealthy foods I love now? What about my chicken alfredo and garlic toast and pizza and tiramisu? How do I just write them out of my life? I know that tastes change, and I really do like healthy foods, but how do I change my tastes to not even like or want the foods I enjoy now?

And now for something completely different ...

2010-05-11T10:41:00.000-07:00

I quit my day job. Perhaps not the most logical decision I've ever made, but I made it nonetheless. My last day is Friday, May 28. (Technically, I'll be staying on as a contractor for a while, but that will be limited hours and I'll be working from home.)

And now the question is, what am I going to do now?

Go ahead, say it: I should have figured out that part first. Yeah, well, oh well. I'm doing it now.

While I feel like there are an infinite number of things I could do at this point, the truth is that there is a limited number of options I would actually consider. Some of this list might look familiar:

1. Writer
Writing novels and short stories OR writing a blog. Writing novels, or at least having ideas for novels and even getting started on them, is easy for me. Revision, well, that's going to take some work. And while I think this one is feasible to do, and I almost certainly will do it, I don't feel like it's a sure or steady source of income. Even if it is, it seems far off in the future. As for blogging, I am torn. I think I could do the consistent writing and even the marketing part, but I don't know if I could consistently generate good content. While I feel that most of the blogs out there don't have outstanding content, non-fiction is hard for me to do well consistently.

2. Fashion Designer
Sewing/creating clothing and accessories (jewelry, handbags, etc.). This one would take a lot of practice, and some up-front investment in supplies. I enjoy doing it, but it is time-consuming, and I feel like it would be hard to be successful in this area. I think I may be better off keeping this one as a hobby and selling a few items here and there (on Etsy, etc.) than trying to make my living by it.

3. Decorator
Planning and creating home appearances. While I'd have to read up on terminology and styles and so forth, I've always enjoyed doing this, and I believe I'm good at it. Everyone likes my design schemes in the end, even if they don't like it in the idea stage.

4. Chef/Meal Delivery Service
Healthy meals delivered to you on a twice-weekly or monthly basis. This one would take the least amount of preparation, as I can already cook and there is an endless variety of recipes (and even tutorials) right at my fingertips. I love to do it. The hard part would be getting clients, and meeting individual needs.

5. Personal Trainer/Weight Loss Counselor
I really think I could do this, and that I would be good at it, if only I could lose my own excess weight. I also think this is the most valid business proposition (depending, of course, on my weight loss). I know enough to be a weight loss counselor, both logical and emotional. I need to learn more for the PT side of it, but less than a lot of people, and I'm already in a good position to learn it as I go.

6. Yoga Instructor
I love yoga so much, I know I'd be a good teacher. Of course, I am at whatever the stage below Novice is right now. I'd have to put a LOT of work into this one just to get to the point where it's a possibility.

Inside Out Weight Loss Workbook Answers

2010-04-30T11:04:00.000-07:00

Earlier today I downloaded the Inside Out Weight Loss Workbook, and in that workbook there are a number of activities, parts where you actually write things down. I've decided to post my answers here. This is freeform stuff, and I'm sure it will be fairly non-sequetorial, and it may not make sense to anyone but me. There will be more of these entries as I make my way through the workbook, but this is what I've gone through so far.

Chapter 1

What unwanted behaviors do you have?
I eat beyond the point of fullness. I eat everything on my plate. If there is food in front of me, I eat it. I crave salty foods and chocolate with every meal. I eat unhealthy foods. I spend money on food that I can't afford to spend. My social plans and activities all revolve around food. I use food as a bribe and a reward. I am reinforcing unhealthy eating habits in my family.

What unwanted symptoms do you have?
I run out of breath easily. I am tired all the time. I don't sleep well. I have high cholesterol. I get grumpy when I go too long without eating. I have many clothes that are too small. I don't look good in the clothes that fit. Clothes shopping is miserable. I spend/waste money on food, clothes, and diet books. I am negatively influencing the health of my family.

What are the consequences of those behaviors and symptoms?
I am uncomfortable in my clothes and body. I don't like the way I look or feel. My self-confidence is so low that I am afraid to go for a new job, to try to follow my dreams. I am not happy in any of my relationships. I feel like a bad mother. I feel like a complete failure. Worthless.

What other people are affected by your problem? How are they affected?
Mallory is learning my unhealthy habits. She will grow up to be just like me. I am reinforcing unhealthy habits in Steve and my parents, and their weight and health are worse for it. I am affecting my coworkers and my company because I don't enjoy this job and don't perform at the level I should.

Zoom out 5 years, continuing on your current path. How are you doing?
In 5 years I'll be even worse. My next pregnancy will be hard, and I'll top 300 pounds. I am more miserable than ever.

Chapter 2

My dream is . . .
I want to go into a store and try on a cute outfit and look fabulous! I want to chase my kids around the yard. I want to grow my own fruits and vegetables. I want to teach my family healthy habits. I want to inspire people to lose weight and get fit. I want to run a marathon. I want to look good and feel comfortable in a bathing suit. I want to cook delicious, healthy meals. I want to look forward to every day.

Chapter 4

What is the part of you that objects? What is the gift that it wants to give you?
The part of me that objects is in my solar plexus, the back of my throat, the rock in the bottom of my stomach. It's giving me the comfort, safety, and security of not breaking out, of not moving ahead, of not trying something new. It's giving me peace of mind about what I've done with my life. It's giving me an excuse for not living up to my potential, a reason not to be more than I am. It's giving me permission to settle, to be lazy. it's telling me that it's okay that I haven't achieved anything, that it's okay to not reach for my dreams. It's giving me acceptance.
It's trying to make me love and accept myself right now.

Perspective

2010-04-21T08:25:00.001-07:00

I was listening to Inside Out Weight Loss on my way to work this morning, one of the episodes on Cathartic Compulsion (or Compulsion Catharsis, whatever it is), and at the end of the episode, she said something that really struck me.

I don’t remember her exact words, but the gist of it was that perhaps I am overweight because my spirit is trying to be something bigger, and I have not allowed that part of me to grow, so I’m growing physically instead.

That makes a lot of sense to me. When I look back at the time in my life when I did lose weight, I had just graduated college and my future was wide open. I could have gone anywhere from there. And then I met Steve, and I got this job, and the weight loss stopped and reversed.

Now I feel stuck in my life, like my spirit is being squashed by my daily reality, and my weight is a problem. It is the times when I feel like my hopes and dreams are all for naught, like I’ll never get to live the life I truly desire, that my weight rises.

So if I look at it from the opposite angle, if I simply allow myself to make my life into what I want it to be, if I give myself another outlet for my dreams, my weight should take care of itself. I won’t need that outlet, I won’t need that message, that physical reminder anymore.

I’ve been thinking that if I could fix my weight, my life would be better. Maybe it’s the other way around.

An Interview with Myself

2010-04-16T08:39:00.000-07:00

This interview taken from Brilliantly Better, but with my own answers:

1. What Do You Do For A Living?

You may not know what you’re really doing for a living. You may think you have a job, but you’re actually just selling your time. And that comes down to selling your life. And that means you’re living your life by selling it. And you may not even know that.

I am selling my life. The realization of that is part of what brought me to this interview: I'm looking to get out of this situation, and to live life on my own terms.

2. Who Do You Love?

Is that your partner? Or somebody else? Do you love many persons at once? Just answer as detailed as you can to this one. We never seem to have enough time do really think at the ones we love. We can’t love someone if we forget to think about him.

Mallory, Mallory, Mallory. Mom and Dad, Steve, Grandma, Sam, Kyla. Natalie, Angela, Katie, and my other LiveJournal friends. Adel.

3. Do You Have Enough Money?

That’s a very important question. You may have less money than everyone else in your group, but still have enough. Or you may have huge amounts of money and yet not enough to make you feel better. How much money do you need in your life?

I do have enough, I'm just not very good at managing it, so it always feels like it's not enough.

4. Are You Healthy?

You may be able to wake up every morning and go to work, but do you think at yourself as being a healthy person? The way you see your health has a huge impact on your reality perception. It’s like applying filters to what’s happening to you.

I feel like I am healthier than I should be, or than I deserve to be.

5. Do You Think You Are a Good Person?

Have you ever wandered what do you think about yourself from this point of view? Maybe we take it for granted that we are inherently good and all the other guys are wrong. But is this really true? Do you really think you are a good person? Why?

No, not really. I'm selfish, and I lack discipline, and I'm kind of mean. I have a hard time caring for others.

6. How Old Are You?

You shouldn’t just open your ID and do some math. It’s not the number of years since you’ve been born that matter here. But mostly how old do you feel you are. What’s your perceived age. Because, believe it or not, this is your real age.

I'm about to turn 30, and right now I actually feel it. Perhaps not on May 29th, but I feel like I'm about to "grow up," to enter a new phase of my life and my self.

7. Who’s Your Best Friend?

Do you have one? Is he or she still alive? Write his name and think at that person for a while. Write a short description of he or she. Where did you met first time? What were the circumstances? What makes that person your best friend, after all?

Natalie. We met via LiveJournal a few years ago, and she has brightened my life every day since. She is so kind and good and giving, and she truly wants everyone to be happy. She has such a good heart. I love that she's open to me and all of my quirks, even though we're so very different. She lets me be me, and doesn't judge.

8. What’s Your Childhood Dream?

Do you still remember it? You wanted to travel the world? You wanted to just have a family and raise your kids? Is that what you’re doing right now? Has your dream become true? Or are you drifting away from it with every single day of your life?

In childhood, as now, my dreams changed so often that I can't say I even had one. Veterinarian, lawyer, journalist, travelling, and nowhere in it was children. I'm not doing any of those things, but I don't necessarily feel I'm getting further away--I just feel like I haven't discovered it yet.

9. How Often Do You Laugh?

Try to remember exactly how often do you laugh during a day. Is this a difficult thing? Why? Because you laugh so often that you couldn’t remember when was the last time you didn’t had a good laugh? Or because you simply forgot how it is to laugh?

Not often enough. It takes a lot to make me actually laugh out loud, and I don't think that even occurs on a weekly basis.

10. What Makes You Smile?

List at least 10 items. If you can’t find 10 items that makes you smile, we have a problem. Don’t rush, take your time. Smiling is different from laughing the same way walking in the park is different from climbing a mountain. You’re just enjoying the walk.

Mallory
Getting messages from friends
Designing something colorful
Eyeliner
Making someone else feel good about him/herself--giving compliments
Sunny days and open windows
The scent of flowers in the air
Songs about optimism or new beginnings (Three Little Birds, Unwritten, etc.)
Yoga
Running longer than I did the time before
Cooking, and having something turn out perfectly

11. Who’s Your Most Dangerous Enemy?

Do you have one? List his/her name here and a short story about how this enemy changed your life. Friends are making us do things for them, but enemies are making us do things because of them. Either way, they’re shaping our life and we must know how.

Me.

12. Where Do You Live?

Is this really your place? Do you feel at home there? How did you end up with it, anyway? The story of your house is deeply blended with your own life. Where do you feel at home is the most important place in the world for you. What makes it home?

Right now we're living with my parents, waiting for our new house to be built. I used to feel at home here, but no longer. Now it is a source of stress.

13. Do You Think You’re Strong?

I would be really curious to know the answer to this one. I love strong people. They have this power to change their life and to create incredible things. What “strong” means to you? It’s a question of force? Or endurance? Of speed? Or intelligence?

No. I think I could be, if my energy was directed somewhere useful, towards my dream, but I don't feel like I have a purpose, so I feel weak and listless. Strength to me is perseverence, determination.

14. What Was The Most Important Thing You’ve Done So Far?

Have you really done something important? Something that changed your life fundamentally? Or something that changed somebody else’s life fundamentally? Why was that important? Answer with first thing that pops out in your head.

I had Mallory. She changed my life. She's made me more aware of other people, more caring about those around me.

15. What Was The Most Stupid Thing You’ve Done So Far?

Do you consider you’ve done stupid things in your life? I think everybody does but not everybody admits that. Most of the people blame the circumstance, the karma, the others, everyone except them. Do you have the power to accept you’ve done a really stupid thing?

The stupides thing I've done is settle for less than I could be, less than I could have, and not push myself to be better.

16. Do You Love Yourself?

Like really, truly accepting everything about you. Does it happen to hate yourself? Most people do that without even being aware. Just answer the first thing that pops to your head, again. Usually, this is exactly how you feel about yourself.

Most of the time I do. I'm often disappointed with what I've done so far, but I am ever hopeful of what I could still be.

17. What Do You Fear The Most?

That might be difficult. But also liberating. Your biggest fear is most of the time your escape door, if you face it with enough courage. Can you think at something that scares you really hard? Maybe answering to this question will really frighten you?

Failure. I don't try because I'm afraid I'll fall flat on my face. What if I reach for my dream and fall short? What's left for me then?

18. What Is Your Favorite Word?

You must have one, everybody does. It might be the one you’re saying all day long without realizing or it might be something that really makes you feel good when you’re telling it. Most of the time, there’s an unconscious link between your true self and this word.

Inspire.

19. When Was The Last Time You Cried?

Admit it. Everybody cries. Men, women, kids. It might be something you’re not very proud of, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t happened. What was so powerful that really cracked you up inside? Think about it and let it emerge again. Make peace with it. If you can.

About 2 hours ago. I was writing an email to a friend about how lost I feel, how helpless.

20. What Is The Best Thing That Could Happen To You Right Now?

In this exact context, what’s the only thing that could shift your entire existence if it will manifest right now? Many people tend to give a certain amount of money as a number, but in my experience this will only maximize the problems, not making them go away.

Weight loss, and a slim and fit body. I tend to believe that I can't do whatever it is I want to do because of my physical self. I can't be a weight loss counselor because who would believe me? I can't do _____ because I'm too fat. If I could conquer this one thing, I could rule the world.

21. What Is The Worst Thing That Could Happen To You Right Now?

Again, what’s the only thing that could negatively impact your life right now in a way that you wouldn’t believe it’s possible? Between those two possibilities lies your entire lifespan. How is this lifespan? How large is your road are you traveling now?

One of my parents could get sick or die. They are my support system. Everything would change.

22. Picture Yourself In 5 Years From Now

Not really a question, but definitely an interesting answer. Can you see yourself in 5 years from now? How would you look? How would you behave? You would do the same things are you doing right now? Don’t write a full story, a single, concentrated sentence would be enough.

Slim and fit, I've finally won, and let myself come out to play.

23. Do You Regret Anything?

If yes, what exactly? If not, why not. Regrets are usually strings we didn’t pull entirely from our past, leaving us tied up to a context which is not longer real. Facing your regrets will reveal parts of yourself you thought you forgot. Important parts of yourself.

There are a lot of things coming to mind, but I think of them as stupid, little things not worth regretting. The little things are inconsequential, and the big decisions have all brought to me to where I am. I can't regret anything that's brought me to Mallory.

24. What’s The First Thing You Do In The Morning?

Just after you open your eyes. Is it a thought? Is it a gesture? We all tend to create a morning routine and it seems that this routine is shaping our entire diurnal activity. Have you ever thought what is the first thing you do in the morning?

After hitting the snooze button? Grumble about having to get out of bed, or being beaten to the shower, or not getting enough sleep, or no one making coffee.

25. What Are You Thinking Just Before Going To Bed?

Similarly, before you go to bed, you do have preferred thought. What is it? What makes your transition to the sleeping world without any major frictions? What’s your password to the dream realm? What if you would lose this thought suddenly?

Before bed, I'm usually grumbling about how Steve stays up too late, or thinking about all I have to do tomorrow, and how I hope Mallory doesn't keep me up all night.

26. What Was The Highest Point You’ve Ever Been To?

Was it a mountain? Or a huge city tower? Whatever feels high for you should go there. I don’t want to know the difference from the sea level, but what exactly you experienced on the highest perceived point you’ve ever been? Fear? Exhilaration?

I have no idea, but I've always liked heights. They're exhilarating.

27. If There’s One Thing In Your Life You Want To Change Right Now, What Is It?

Imagine you met a fairy tale and you have only one wish: you could change only one thing in your life. What is that thing? How would you like to change it? If it wasn’t this absolute power you just received, would you still wanted that thing to be changed?

I would be thin and fit and healthy.

28. What Are You Proud Of?

What is the only thing you’ve done that will instantly make you feel totally and undeniably proud of yourself? When you did that? What were the circumstances? Would you still do the same thing now?

Writing a novel in 30 days. Writing a complete novel at all. That happened in November 2006, just a month after I got married. I felt relatively stable and had plenty of time to myself. Now? I'd love to write another novel, but I can't seem to find the space in my schedule or in my brain.

29. Sum Up Your Life In One Sentence

If in the next 10 seconds your life will end, how would you describe it? Just one sentence for your entire life. Can you do that? You only have 10 seconds, so you can consider this a speed question.

Unremarkable, but at least I made a beautiful baby.

30. Name The Thing That Annoys You The Most

Is this a mosquito humming? The sounds of a knife on a porcelain plate? Or is it people calling you in a certain way? Friends breaking promises? Being stuck in traffic? Try to remain calm while answering.

Making a big deal over petty issues. Why bother?

31. What Is Your No 1 Question To God?

Yes, it’s your interview, but if you would be able to address one question to God, assuming He will answer you, what would that question look like? What is the most important thing you want to know from God?

Did I do a good job?

32. Do You Have Secrets?

If yes, why? If not, are you sure? What is your number one reason for having and keeping secrets? Are you afraid of other people reactions? Ar you ashamed? Or you just love to cover things for the pleasure of re-discovering them later?

Not really. There are things that I share with some people and not with others, but I've always been horrible at keeping secrets.

33. What Makes You Laugh?

You do have something that instantly puts you in a totally laughing state, do you? There must be something that makes you laugh out loud. What is it? When was the first time you bumped into that thing?

Mallory. Angela.

I wish I laughed more.

34. Are You Happy?

No, not really.

Goals

2009-12-21T07:23:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to get started a little early on my goals/resolutions for 2010. I already have in my head a lot of things I'd like to accomplish, and now I just need a strategy to actually do them.

1. Save money
I need to save both to add to the down payment for our house, and just because I need to save money. I'd like to have a minimum of $500 in savings for next year's Christmas (planning ahead!) and $1000 in an emergency fund. It's not a ton, but it's a start. I set up automatic deposits to my savings account today, so that's a first step.

2. Pay off debt
This year I want to pay off all my credit debt: about $500 on my Visa, $700 on my Best Buy card, $2750 in furniture, and $500 for the cooking course I'm taking. If I get that taken care of, I'll work on the $2000 we owe to Lowes (which is all in Steve's name) and the $1700 or so I still have left on my student loans.

3. Write for 10 minutes every day
I don't care what it is, just so I'm writing. 10 minutes is easy.

4. Run a 5K and a 10K
The 5K should be this spring. The 10K can be this fall. Then, training for the half marathon in March 2011.

5. Lose at least 65lbs
My ultimate goal is to lose about 115, but let's start with 65.

Step 1

2009-10-09T13:08:00.000-07:00

I finally took a step. This morning, I signed up for a course in gourmet cooking and catering.

Will it lead me to my dream life? I don't know. It's got to be closer than this, and even if it doesn't lead me anywhere, it will be fun.

I'm just glad I'm finally doing something.

Project

2009-07-23T15:01:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, and thinking about it a lot recently. I've even asked other people what they think I should do based on what they know of me. Basically I'm trying to invest more time in those things I really like to do.

So what do I like to do?
Read
Write
Cook
Sew
Decorate
Watch movies
Yoga
Jog
Lift weights (no, really)

I've been working on reading more, and I signed up for Netflix a few months ago and have been watching a ton more movies. I'm trying to get back into the writing habit, but I haven't made it there yet (I need to try harder).

And then there's cooking. It's something I actually see as a useful pursuit, in that it can benefit someone other than me, and it's more than just doing something to take up time (after all, we do have to eat). Don't get me wrong, I am a decent cook already, but I'm a fairly basic cook. What I'd really like to know is how to improvise a bit more, what flavors go together, etc. I'm pretty good at following a recipe, but I need to know more about the science of cooking and what ingredients do what.

I was even talking to Husband about going to culinary school, or at the very least taking a few cooking classes. The major benefit a school or class would give is a schedule--I'd have to do/learn in a certain amount of time rather than just saying, "Oh, I'm going to cook." But there's no reason I can't set a deadline for myself. Besides, why should I invest the time and money in schooling when I have a huge stack of cookbooks already?

Well, many of the cookbooks I have aren't really instructional; they're simply collections of recipes, and that doesn't really help me. So what I've decided to do is get a few of the more instructional-type cookbooks, as well as finding cooking instruction online (of which there is plenty), and go through it recipe by recipe.

I just ordered The Joy of Cooking. I'm going to get the entire series eventually, and hopefully fix most, if not all, of the recipes there (yes, even the ones with ingredients I don't like--I'll just pawn them off on others, perhaps in the form of dinner parties). From there I'll move on to Mastering the Art of French Cooking, and from there, who knows? There are plenty of books to teach me.

Maybe this will lead to something else. Maybe one day I'll have a catering business. Maybe I'll just become a better cook. Maybe I'll end up hating to cook. But at least I'm going to try. I'm aiming for one new recipe a week. That's not a ton, but it's a start, and that's just a minimum.

Anyone coming over for dinner?

You are getting sleepy . . .

2009-07-09T06:18:00.001-07:00

I haven’t been sleeping well this week. That’s nothing really out of the ordinary, seeing as I have an almost-7-month-old, but the thing is, she sleeps pretty well, and through the night most nights. No, this is just me.

Lack of sleep makes everything else in life harder. I can’t concentrate (which I’m not very good at on the best of days), I have no energy, I’m hungry all the time, I’m cranky, and I don’t want to deal with anything. Also? Thank you, Mother Nature and your dear sister Aunt Flo, for not helping whatsoever.

In the mail yesterday I received new weight loss hypnosis CDs. The idea of hypnosis sounds really cheesy to me, but the last time I lost weight I was using some hypnosis cassettes, and since I can’t seem to find a working cassette player these days, I had to find a replacement. I know it can be effective. I figure at the very least it will keep the issue forefront in my mind, which is a large part of my problem.

I’ve also been trying to figure out a diet/eating strategy for me. I’ve tried so many different diets in the past, and I’ve never been able to stick to any of them. And then the other morning, I heated up some steel cut oats to eat for breakfast, took one bite, and almost gagged–not because they tasted bad, but because it just wasn’t what I wanted. To me, breakfast = eggs. I’m going to have to find a way to work the foods I actually like and want to eat into a healthier diet. (Just for the record, in that context I am using the word “diet” to mean “what I eat” and not “an eating strategy to lose weight.”)

I think the answer may lie in counting calories. I’m notoriously bad at tracking things–anything, really, as it’s consistency I lack more than anything else–but that’s what I was doing when I lost weight before, and it’s the only thing I’ve ever managed to stick with for any significant length of time (i.e. more than 6 hours or so). There were a few moments when I went, “OMG! That has more than 100 calories! I can’t possibly eat that! *SPAZ!*” but I got over it and learned to deal, and I’m sure it will be the same again.

I just know I’ve got to do something. I’ve got to work on it. I’ve got to get my head in the right place.

The Happiness Project, version E

2009-06-29T10:34:00.000-07:00

Today I found a link to the Happiness Project Toolbox waiting for me in my Google Reader. I've read Happiness Project before, and liked what I saw (although I admittedly never saw fit to add it to my RSS), so I clicked on over to investigate. I liked what I saw there too, with one exception: I don't want to have to go to yet another website to make yet another list that I will never remember to look at or update.

So I'm going to run my own Happiness Project right here.

First, I'm going to ask myself a few questions I found on that website, and eventually I'll work deeper into my psyche, and hopefully, closer to my own personal happiness.

1. What makes you feel good? What activities do you find fun, satisfying, or energizing?
Playing with Mallory, talking to Steve, hanging out with my mom, reading, writing (though sometimes it feels more like a chore), yoga, swimming, running, cooking, having a clean/organized house (though not cleaning)

2. What makes you feel bad? What are sources of anger, irritation, boredom, frustration, or anxiety in your life?
Finances (not having money to buy/do the things I want), my poor budgeting skills, not having a clean house, my weight, things going unfinished, driving all the time, the dogs

3. Is there any way in which you don't feel right about your life? Do you wish you could change jobs, cities, family situation, or other circumstances? Are you living up to your expectations for yourself? Does your life reflect your values?
I wish I didn't have to work. I want to be at home with my baby, doing something artistic or crafty (writing, decorating, taking pictures, cooking). I love my husband, but I wish he would help out more around the house (and I conversely wish I would stop nagging him so much). I wish I lived closer to my parents. My expectations? The expectations I had when I was younger, certainly not. I think I've come to expect that I can't succeed. My values? I value my family, and my mind--both of which would be more fulfilled if I quit my job and stayed at home.

4. Do you have sources of an atmosphere of growth? In what areas of your life do you find progress, learning, challenge, improvement, and increased mastery?
I don't feel like I'm growing right now. This job is not a challenge, and it presents me with nothing but frustration. Even as a mother I feel stagnant.

Everything in my life is telling me to quit my job. So why can't I just do it?

Searching for Control

2009-06-05T06:09:00.000-07:00

As I said in my last post (oh, so long ago), I was out of control there for a while. Right now, I'm taking it back.

My goals for May didn't go so well, so I'm reasserting.

I'm getting my eating under control. I did very well yesterday, and today is looking good also.

Exercise? Well, that will come. I'm thinking of getting up earlier and starting to walk/job again. I'm so out of shape right now that I'll have to start with walking and work up to jogging, but that's ok. And it's been raining so much that I can hardly do that, but we've got the bike and the weight machine and workout videos out the wazoo, so there's no excuse for me not to be doing something. I thought of joining the gym through work, but my social neuroses are holding me back, along with my general lack of money. I'll just do it at home.

Spiraling

2009-05-01T06:01:00.000-07:00

I've felt so out of control lately, in lots of ways. There are things I know that I should be doing, and I can't bring myself to do them, and things I know I should not be doing, and I can't bring myself to stop. At least I've finally realized I'm doing it.

Here it is a new month, a new month in my new life (i.e. Life With Baby). Everything is so perfect right now, and yet I'm having such a difficult time dealing with it. I'm trying. I've even done something I never though I would do and started taking Prozac. I think it's helping, but I still hate even the concept of taking it.

I did buy some new clothes (during my little spending spree last weekend, wherein I spent nearly $1400 on randomness), and I'm feeling a little better about how I look. That would be helped a great deal more if I could lose a few pounds, but that's the other major thing that's out of control.

So I'm making the effort to make a new start. Today. My goal during the month of May is to cut out the unnecessary: unnecessary spending and unnecessary eating. This is going to be so hard for me. I've never been good at doing what's hard. I shrink away from challenges. When the going gets tough, I give up.

But I want to do this. I want to change my life, and that's not easy. I've got to make the effort, and rise to the challenge. Otherwise my life is always going to be this way.

She's Here!

2009-01-21T07:07:00.000-08:00

She's been here for over a month already! (Ack! How is that possible?!)

World, meet Mallory Evelyn!
Born Saturday, December 13, 2008, at 1:42am
Weighed 7 pounds, 15 ounces and measured 19 inches long

Life Goes On

2008-09-27T05:23:00.000-07:00

I've been completely immersed in baby doings, with the occasional spurt of working furiously at my job or on my house (which is mostly related to baby doings anyway, or at least prompted by). Also, I'm afraid my brain has been fried by baby hormones, and I can't think or remember or concentrate. It's been loads of fun.

On the other hand, my doctor told me the other day that so far I've had a perfect pregnancy. The results of my glucose test are still out, but that may only be because I passed and they didn't feel the need to call me (I'll check on Monday). Right now Baby is breech, but at 29+ weeks, she's still got time to turn. I'm really hoping she does.

So my house is torn up with remodeling. The dining room is almost finished, and is receiving the touchup coat of paint this afternoon. Then it's refinishing the floors, putting up the trim, replacing the ceiling fan (we also got a new ceiling fan for the living room, just so they match), and calling it done. I will be so incredibly glad when it's finished and I can move all of the dining room furniture out of my living room.

We got the storm door on the front porch replaced, and the stairs to the yard are done all except for the railing. We haven't yet started on the patio.

The guest bathroom is almost done, except for the grout in the closet, recovering the doors, putting a new handle on the closet door, and making and hanging a curtain (which I may do tomorrow).

We've made a small bit of progress on the kitchen too, although there was considerably less to be done there. We finally got the panel installed on the end of the dishwasher cabinet last weekend, and we updated all of the cabinet handles a few weeks ago. Left to us now are the counter on top of the drawers, finishing the baseboard, and updating the ceiling fan (cheaper and easier than replacing it).

The bathroom upstairs is receiving a simple cosmetic upgrade, in the form of paint. Yes, almost everything in the bathroom needs replaced, from the ceiling to the carpet, but we don't have the time or money to invest in that right now, so I'm settling for paint. We painted the small, colored part green, and part of the rest of it has been primed, but we're waiting until we're priming the nursery before we finish painting the rest of it. I'll probably make the curtain for that bathroom tomorrow also.

And then there's the nursery. The nursery is not coming along nearly as quickly as I would like. The plaster is down, although there is still a bit of chipping away to be done at the mess that remains inside the walls. The wiring has been updated, and some of the insulation is in. One of the windows was replaced last weekend, but we didn't have the proper equipment to replace the other one (we needed a longer ladder). With any luck, that will be done soon, as it's holding up everything else. After that, it's finishing the insulation, then drywall, then paint, then refinishing the floor, then trim, then replacing the light fixture. And then . . . and then, I finally, finally get to decorate and prepare for Baby's arrival.

While all of this is well and good, and if there wasn't a baby on the way in just over 10 weeks I'd be very pleased with the progress we've made. However, there IS a baby on the way, and we're working on a deadline. Not only that, but we've got a baby shower scheduled to be held at my house on November 1st, and that's only 5 weeks away, if you count this weekend. Plus, we've got company coming to stay with us for a few of those weekends (even though I'll still continue the work while they're here, and they can just get over it). I'd like to have everything done before the shower, and the closer it gets, the less likely it seems.

I'm just feeling horribly unprepared. I have a dozen cloth diapers and wipes, plus more diapers on the way (they should be here this week). I have a few items of clothing, but not enough to last me even a few days. I know I'll be getting stuff for the shower, but just the same, I'm feeling the time crunch in a major way, and I feel like there's not a whole lot I can do about it.

There's so much I want to be doing right now, and I just can't, either because I don't know how, I don't have the money, I'm physically unable, or it's bad for the baby. The logical part of me keeps saying that I don't have to worry, that she'll be safe and warm and dry and fed, and that's all that matters. Logically, I know that.

The rest of me is still panicking.

Nothing New Under the Sun

2008-08-03T17:30:00.000-07:00

One of the things that bothers me about society in general is that there really is nothing new; everything we think of as new is simply someone saying, "I'm right and everyone else is wrong."

Think about it. Every new diet that comes out says, "This last diet was popular, but it won't work, and I'll show you why. Then I'll show you the right way to do it." Every scientific debate ever waged has had two sides to the story, each pointing out "facts" that say they're right and the opposing view is wrong. Take, for example, global warming. The opponents are screaming that there's no such thing, that it's all made up to get you to spend your hard earned dollars on things like carbon credits. The proponents are likewise screaming that global warming is rampant and that the opponents don't want you to believe in it because it will cost them money. It's the same exact thing with religion--they all want to convert you to their own religion, and some believe it is their duty to convert you, because what they believe is right, and what you currently believe is wrong.

The fact is, without ever having done actual scientific research myself on either the latest diet or global warming or the history and destination of humankind, there is no real way for me to know which theory is correct.

Personally, I try to take a logical approach. For diets, fruits and vegetables are good for you. The less process the food, the better it is for you, typically. The way it was originally created. For global warming, pollution, etc., it does no harm for me to conserve and to protect the environment, whether or not I'm actually doing damage in the first place. And religion? Well, I'll believe what I believe, you believe what you believe. Leave it at that and we'll get along just fine.

So maybe that's not the best way to go through life, walking that thin line where there is no belief or acceptance either way, skirting the issues and staying out of them altogether. But I think it must be better than never questioning the issues in the first place.

The great bafflement for me lies not in how someone comes up with these concepts, because they often have perfectly logistical beginnings, but in how the original thinker garners so much support for his or her concept without anyone ever stopping to say, "And why should I believe you just because you show me a few facts and tell me the other guy is wrong, when the other guy can show me a few different facts and tell me you are wrong? How do I know which of you is right?"

How do you know whom to believe?

Thoughts for the Day

2008-06-24T09:07:00.000-07:00

Do you ever have the realization that nothing turns out as good as you imagine it? It's occurred to me that it's pretty much everything I do: writing, sewing, cooking, decorating, working, getting dressed in the morning, pretty much everything.

I'm taking it as a good thing that I haven't been able to clearly picture what Baby is going to look/be like.

The worst part is that the thought sort of makes me hesitate to do things. For example, I have a picture of this totally, awesomely cute bag in my head that I really, really want to make. I have all the stuff to make it, and it really wouldn't be all that difficult. I just know that whatever I come out with isn't going to be exactly what I'm envisioning. And if it's not going to be what I want anyway, why should I waste the time and effort just to ruin it?

*sighs*

In other news, Husband *finally* called the bank to discuss getting money for some work on our house, so perhaps we'll have the wiring and the drywall and the floors done sometime in the near future. I can't possibly explain to you how excited that makes me.

In other other news, there is something seriously wrong with my laptop. We replaced the hard drive, thinking, obviously, that was the problem, but I'm still having the same problems I was. Namely, the Blue Screen of Death on a pretty much daily basis. It'll work for a little while just fine, and then I'll be doing something random, and BOOM!

*sighs again*

I've had a headache for about 4 days now. I took a Tylenol last night, which succeeded in sending the headache into the background for about 30 minutes.

Also, a slice of fresh, hot pizza is just fine with my digestive tract. A slice of reheated pizza? Not so much. If I had any memory whatsoever these days, I'd try to remember that.

And to sum up:

Dear Spiegel,
Please stop sending me catalogs and flyers and credit card offers. I can't fit into anything you sell, not even the shoes, and it's only going to get worse. Although the fashionista in me would love to look like one of your models and have an entire wardrobe of your clothes and accessories, and although I do really love to look through your catalogs and website for that reason, I can't afford to buy anything from you, and I will never in my wildest dreams be a size 4. Hell, I can't even get my hair to look wavy for longer than 43 seconds. So really, the only thing you accomplish by sending me these things is wasting paper and the expense of printing and shipping.And also, making me cry at the life, body, and wardrobe I will never have.

Thanks, but no thanks,
Me

New Plan

2008-06-17T05:57:00.000-07:00

I had a mini-breakdown the other day concerning the fact that my health is going all to pot. Being the emotional pregnant lady that I am, I quickly dissintegrated from "I don't feel good" to "I'm a terrible mother!" And while that may be a bit of an exaggeration (especially this early in the game, as I haven't really done anything mothery yet), the truth is that I haven't been taking very good care of my health, which is particularly sad since that should be my number one priority right now.

I've gained almost 15 pounds since finding out I was pregnant. I'm 15 weeks along today, and I should not be gaining nearly a pound per week. Also, my blood sugar is out of whack, I'm bloated ridiculous amounts from the salt and sugar and lack of exercise, and I get so winded going up a single flight of stairs that I have to sit down at the top. I've been eating pretty much whatever I want, and doing no exercise at all. Not a good combination.

I've got to change that.

Yesterday was much better, as far as eating was concerned. I did not exercise, as I had writers' group and didn't get home until late (it was storming outside anyway, so no walking). We went for a long walk on Sunday though, so I'm not too beat up about that. This evening I plan to use the stationary bike for a bit and do a set on the weight machine, as well as hopefully do my prenatal yoga video.

As far as food goes, yesterday was a decent eating day. I'm not worrying about calories so much as I am about the quality of my food, and cutting back on sugar. I didn't stuff myself, and I made sure to get in some whole grains, fruits, and vegetables. Today I am trying to keep on track with all of those things, plus break my meals into smaller chunks and eat every two hours or so. I know I feel better when I eat better, so that's my main goal right now.

I've got a doctor's appointment tomorrow, just my regular monthly checkup, and I intend to talk to her about the weight I've gained and whether I need to make more specific adjustments to my diet. I just don't want to mess things up. I don't want anything to go wrong. I have to start taking responsibility for that.

Hey, wow, I have a blog?

2008-06-12T12:22:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted here in over a month (I had no idea it had been so long). I could make excuses, but the truth is I just haven't had much to say, or much motivation to say it when I did.

Everything is going well, I suppose. Baby is still growing. My next doctor's appointment is Wednesday the 18th, at which point I'm hoping we'll schedule my 18-20 week anatomy scan, at which I should find out what flavor it is. I'm 14 weeks and 2 days now, and most of my symptoms are dying down, except for the exhaustion. But in place of nausea now, I've got backache and general bodily soreness. Fun stuff!

I don't feel like I've been doing anything productive. The most I can manage to accomplish on any given day is washing the dishes or doing one load of laundry (and that's a good day).

Sometimes I flip out about how in the world I'm going to get everything done, and by "everything" I mean everything from regular housekeeping to remodeling the nursery to raising a child to keeping my job to writing a novel to getting in shape to . . . everything. And most of the time I don't feel very supported for any of it, which is basically ridiculous, as I have the best support system in the world.

Husband seems extra stressed lately though. On the one hand, I don't think it's really sunk in for him that we're having a child. I know it has to be hard for him, especially since I'm not really even showing yet. I'm flailing about wondering how everything is going to get done, and he's not even concerned about whether or not our house is covered in pet hair.

On the other hand, I think he's terrified that there's going to be an entirely new person depending on him, and he's doubting his own ability to be a good father. While I understand his concern and think it's perfectly reasonable--even expected--for him to feel that way, I've seen him with children and I know he'll be just fine. He focuses on the bad aspects of himself, as we all have a tendency to do, and he can't see the good that is there. I have faith that it will come out, whether he does or not. As far as financial support, etc., well, he just worries about all of that far too much anyway. Most of his self-doubt comes from the fact that his own father was a bit of an over-achiever in that regard, and he doesn't see himself living up to the standards his father set. The truth is we're not hurting at all financially, and although a baby is going to stretch the budget, there are so many ways we could cut back that we wouldn't even miss. We'll make do with what we have, because that's what I do best, and we'll all be just fine.

I'm still trying to work on things. I'm just now starting to pick back up some healthy habits. It's hard to have a healthy diet when you gag at the thought of drinking plain water or eating vegetables, and it's hard to jog or do yoga when you can't stand for more than 2 minutes without getting dizzy. I stopped going to my yoga classes, but hope to go back eventually. Not at the moment, but eventually, and I am trying to do some form of exercise regularly now. And I'm drinking more water, and trying to eat healthier, and just to be generally healthy.

My writing isn't progressing. I've been thinking a lot about all of my stories, and I even started a new one (which I know I shouldn't have, but it just wouldn't leave me alone and I didn't want to lose it), but I haven't been working on them much. I really want to have at least one of them done before the baby gets here. The problem is, the one I'd most like to have done has thrown me a major loop and changed dramatically, and I'm going to have to rewrite pretty much the entire damn thing. *sigh* I guess it's not that much of an inconvenience though, as I needed to rewrite it all anyway.

And as far as sewing goes, I haven't been doing any of that at all. Like writing, I've been thinking about it a lot--I've even bought some material, patterns, notions, etc. recently--but I haven't actually sewn anything in weeks. That kind of makes me sad. Husband and I are going to a wedding on Saturday, and I'd really like to make myself a dress by then. God knows if I even have the skill to make a presentable dress, but I am good at following patterns, so there is hope.

Anyway, that's it for an update from me. Hopefully it won't be so long before I update again. I will try to do better. :)

Following My Dream

2008-05-02T07:11:00.000-07:00

There are some things changing for me, BIG changes, and it's made me take a serious look at what I want to accomplish and when I want to accomplish it. I've been saying for years -- my whole life, really -- that one day I'm going to have a novel published, but I've never really set a deadline to it, or had any more of a solid goal than "one day I'm going to have a novel published," which isn't very solid at all.

The biggest change coming for me is, I'm going to have a baby. I'm just getting started on this pregnancy thing, so I'm not due until December. I've still got 7 months of life before kids. But knowing that changes a lot of things, and gives me a pretty strict schedule. And there are just certain things I want to do before I have this baby, one of which is finish at least one of my novels.

Now, I'm not expecting to have anything published by December, or even have it in publishable format. I just want a complete first draft cranked out. But to do that, I've got to write, write, write.

Since I already know basically how both of the novels I've got going are going to go, the main thing for me right now is simply to get back into the habit of writing on a daily basis. I'm forcing myself to write every single day this month as part of my To Boldly NaNo Drabble-A-Day Challenge, even if it's only a few sentences. That's Part 1 of my strategy.

Part 2 of my strategy is to work specifically on those areas I know I have difficulty with: description, showing instead of telling, and actually using speech tags. This is going to be a month (at least) of exercises for me, as I work to improve my shortcomings.

I read an article earlier today from The Simple Dollar entitled " The Five Ps: Breaking Down Big Dreams Into Little Steps." Writing a novel is my big dream, and I found it to be rather applicable. In any case, it's good information, so if you've got a few minutes, I'd recommend clicking on over to check it out.

The two parts of my strategy are two of Trent Hamm's 5 Ps: Practice and Persistence. I've already got the Passion part down, and TBN fulfils some of that Participation requirement. Put all of that together, and I figure if I can just learn how to be patient, my dream has got to come eventually.

K? How about 5.

2008-04-25T05:59:00.000-07:00

On Saturday, April 19th, 2008, at 11:00am, I participated in my very first 5K event. My brother Sam did also.

We got there pretty early, as registration only lasted until 10:30 and I didn't want to miss it. We parked at my grandparents' house, which is just on the other side of the river, and my husband Steve (handling our two dogs), Sam, and I walked over to the park, probably about half a mile. We registered, snatched up the last of the tshirts, and goofed off at the amphitheater until race time. There we were joined by Sam's girlfriend Kyla, who waited out the race with Steve and the dogs in the park.

A few minutes before 11, they called all participants to the starting line under the bridge. I was a little surprised at the number of people, although I couldn't tell you if I expected more or less. I can't really tell you how many people there were, either, because I'm a horrible judge of those things. Probably in the area of 75-100 (that may or may not be remotely close), which I suppose isn't a lot in the greater scheme of things.

A lady with a megaphone that we still couldn't hear told us about the route we were taking: to start we'd cross in front of the stage of the amphitheater, then up the small hill, down the trail to the beer distributor and a water stop ("Why not a beer stop?" Sam asked), back the way we'd come, and end behind the bus depot. Not too tough. Except for that tiny hill to get out of the park itself, the trail is mainly flat, and it's partially shaded.

And then I believe there was an actual, "On your mark! Get set! Go!" to get us off and running, and off we were. As there were both runners and walkers in this race, most of the runners had positioned themselves in the front, and the ones who hadn't--like Sam and myself--moved around the outside of the group of walkers. We ran all along the front of the amphitheater and up the hill, and some of the walkers were passing us even then.

But before we were even out of sight, I think, I got dizzy, overheated, and nauseas, and I started coughing, so I stopped running and just walked. Usually I run 30 seconds to 1 minute, then walk for the same interval. That day, I ran probably 3 minutes from the get-go. It's not really a lot, but it's a lot more than I'm used to, and I haven't exactly been feeling peppy these days (thank you, hormones!). Sam ran a little further than I did, but not much. As it turned out, I really shouldn't have pushed myself so hard in the beginning, because I had a really hard time recovering. I walked the rest of the way to the turnaround, and quite a few of the walkers passed me.

I passed Sam, who was running at the moment, just before I got to the turnaround. He slowed to a walk and said, "It's all downhill from here," and kept loping along (because really, even when he's running, he's loping). I walked through the turnaround, grabbed my cup of water, and started back.

The way back was easier. I don't know if it was because I'd finally recovered enough to breathe and mostly stopped coughing, or if it was just the fact that I knew I'd made it more than half way and was therefore almost finished, or if I just had to push myself to get back to where I started and didn't have any other option. But I ran a decent bit on the way back. I made a game of it, running from this shady spot to the next, or the length of one of the bridges, or for a certain number of steps, or until the end of a song. I wasn't going fast, but I was going.

When I got close to the finish line, I was walking and trying to find "Fat Bottom Girls" on my mp3 player (I never did find it, even though I *know* it's on there, and ended up settling for "Mercy" by Duffy, which felt rather apropos at the moment). Then I came across the final bridge, right at the top of the little hill we'd run up in the beginning, and Kyla and Steve were there waiting for me, camera in hand. Kyla started yelling at me to run so she could get a picture, so I did. It wasn't very far, but I ran from the end of the bridge all the way through the finish line.

All of the people there were so encouraging, and that is one of the things that sticks with me most about the entire event. Here I was, obviously overweight and out of shape, a runner coming in behind even most of the walkers, and yet there was nothing but positivity everywhere. Everyone was cheering me on and telling me I'd done a great job, especially the other racers. I don't know if I was worried they wouldn't be nice, like I thought someone would say, "Hey, Fatty, what do you think you're doing in a race?" but I was so encouraged and inspired by everyone.

The entire first half of the race I wanted to quit. Every muscle in my body ached, and I couldn't stop coughing, and I was dizzy most of the time. I kept telling myself that I was a fool for thinking I could ever do such a thing, never mind the fact that we often walk our dogs further than 5K on weekends. I kept rubbing my belly and praying that I hadn't made a very bad decision and that no, this was not going to cause a miscarriage and yes, my baby was just fine.

But then I thought of that baby, and the healthy life I want it to lead, the healthy life that I want to lead. I thought of all my friends, and I didn't want to come back and tell them that I had failed, that I had quit. I thought of how much I really want to run, of how one day I want to run the entire 5K and more, and it felt like if I didn't finish this one race, whatever it took, I'd never, ever get there.

My final time was 47:50, which I know is pretty slow. I honestly think I would have had a better time if I had walked the entire thing, because I wouldn't have worn myself out so early.

But it doesn't matter what my time was. I finished.

Next time, I'll do better.

Changing the World

2008-04-07T06:13:00.000-07:00

Saturday morning at about 6:30 am, my life changed forever.

How?

I found out I'm pregnant.

I'm about 6 weeks, which would put me due right around the beginning of December.

My world, it is about to change.

Spreading the Word

2008-04-04T06:54:00.000-07:00

In my last post I mentioned that I'm signing up for a 5K later this month.

Last night my brother called me and said, "You're signing up for a 5K?"

I said, "Yeah!"

"When is it?" he asked.

"April 19th."

"Really." It was almost a question, almost an accusation. Approximately the same response I've heard from everyone else I've told.

And I responded to him as I did to everyone else: "I'm not planning to run the entire thing. I can't be in shape for that in 2 week. I'll walk most of it, and I know that. I just want to do it."

Then came the response that completely floored me. "I'll do it with you. When you register, sign me up too."

So yes, I AM doing a 5K, and Brother is doing it with me, and Husband (and probably parents and K) will be at the finish line taking my picture.

"Oh yeah," I said, "we get a free tshirt."

"Awesome."

I don't know that I've ever seen my brother exercise for the sake of exercising. Not that that's necessarily what he's doing here, but I want to encourage any and all attempts by anyone I know to get healthy. And I figure, the more the people around me are working to improve their health and just be generally active, the better I'll do too.

Awesome indeed.

Step by Step

2008-04-01T09:55:00.000-07:00

I always seem to have major, over-arching goals, and that's a good thing: what do I want out of life, where do I want to be in 10 years, etc. But they key to meeting those huge goals is to have a bunch of smaller, quicker, supporting goals: what do I want to accomplish by the end of this year, by the end of the month, by the end of the week, by the end of the day.

But on a small scale, we often get distracted by daily activities, and we lose sight of even the smaller goals. We have to constantly ask ourselves, does this bring me closer to my goal? More importantly, what can I do today that will contribute to meeting my bigger goal?

My friend Natalie is probably the best goal-setter--and meeter--I know. She always has a huge list of goals, and as far as I can tell she works at least a little on each of them every single day (yes, she is quite the over-achiever, and I wish I could be more like her). The thing is, she focuses on her goals, and never, ever loses sight of them. That's the important thing.

So I'm taking a page out of her book, and breaking it down.

This year I want to (more detail on these in previous posts):

lose weight
improve my house
read more
write a novel
finish Confessions of a Size 18 with Natalie
improve my sewing skills

For just this month, I'm setting some smaller goals:

participate in a 5K
finish bathroom (only trim, grout, and doors left)
declutter bookshelves
finish reading Titus Alone and review Gormenghast trilogy
read 1 other book
write 1 new chapter of novel
revise intro of Confessions
finish J's bags (1 down, 1 to go) and make a new bag for myself

And to help me break it down even further, I'm setting some goals for this week:

sign up for 5K
run/walk 3 days minimum (1 down, 2+ to go)
finish grouting and sand trim
sort/clean 1 shelf per evening
read 25-30 pages each evening
outline new chapter
detailed synopsis of Confessions intro and notes on revision
finish J's bag

That's a lot to do, especially since it's already Tuesday. I can do it though, and I'm already started on most of it. I just need to focus.

Reset

2008-03-27T11:15:00.000-07:00

From time to time I like to look back at the past few weeks and see what I've accomplished. Today I am looking back because of my current situation, and improvements I know I need to make.

A few weeks ago, I came up with some very specific goals and action plans to help me meet them. And I did fairly well following those plans--for a couple of days. Then, of course, I fell off track, and I have yet to get back on.

It's always harder to go back to the "good" life after I've been "bad" for even a short period of time. Things happen, and I use them as excuses to set aside my goals and not worry about making progress. My grandfather died, so of course I can eat chocolate cake! I'm cooking Easter dinner, so of course I can have cook unhealthy foods and eat all of them I want! My best friend flew all the way across the country to visit me, so of course I want to show her a good time while she's here!

Although each of those statements (at least the first half) is true, it's the way I respond to them that is my problem. There is nothing inherent in any of those situations that says I should eat unhealthy foods and stop exercising, nothing at all. And yet, that's exactly what I did.

And today I am trying to get back on the right track, back to where I want to be, and it's so hard. Today at lunch I was almost crying because I was attempting--unsuccessfully--to talk myself out of going to Wendy's. And then I almost cried again after I had my chicken sandwich in my hot little hands because I had failed.

Whether or not this can be attributed to PMS, it's such a struggle, and I don't know why. I had plenty of good arguments for not going, and the only reason to give in is "because I want to!" And I still ended up in the drive-thru.

But it doesn't matter how many times I fail, because the victory isn't in the moment, it's not in whether I avoid fast food today, it's not in how often I exercise or how much water I drink. The victory is in starting one more time than you stop. It's in picking yourself up after a fall and getting right back to it. It's in continually trying, and--as I've said in a previous post--it's in never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever giving up.

Today, and for the past ten days, I have stumbled. In fact, I've been right down there on the ground kicking at the dirt.

But right now I'm hitting Reset, and I'm getting back to it.

Creating Space

2008-03-19T06:13:00.000-07:00

Last night during my yoga class I learned something about space. We were doing Gomukhasana, and the instructor was coming around correcting our poses. For me she corrected the exact same thing she corrected last week during this pose: the space between my shoulder and my ear.

Now, I know perfectly well that I have tense shoulders. I could have told you that even before I started practicing yoga. And I know that any pose that requires space between my shoulder and my ear is going to be difficult. No matter what the instructor says to do, no matter how clearly I comprehend the words she says, I just can't seem to make my shoulders go to the right place on my own.

But then she lightly presses down and back on just the right spot, and something in my brain (or perhaps my shoulder itself) goes, "Oh, okay, I get it now," and it all becomes so much easier. My shoulder drops, my spine lengthens, my elbow comes up, my arms pulls in, and . . . somehow, miraculously, there's space.

The thing about space is, we, as humans, are always trying to fill it. We fill the space in our cupboards with food, the space in our closets with clothes and shoes, the space in our homes with books and decorations and souvenirs, the space in our calendars with work and parties and activities, all so that no one else will think we're worth less than they are (by what measure is anyone's guess). There's so much stuff that there's often too little space left for just living. We never stop to think about that.

The ironic part of all of this is that we long for space, for peace, for calm, while unwittingly collecting the very things that keep us from it. We buy bigger houses and cars and yards and look for better storage solutions, all the while buying more stuff to fill our new space to the point that it seems just as cramped as the old space. We work and work and work in the hopes that one day we'll have enough money that we don't have to work, all the while spending the money we could be saving on stuff we don't need and never getting closer to having "enough" of anything.

But space, as a concept, is a very liberating experience. Dropping my shoulder by a slight degree created space, and it aligned my entire body in a much more comfortable position. And clearing the counters made my kitchen feel less busy, less hostile, and gave me room to work, to play, to experiment, to have fun, to create, and to breathe.

I'm at a place in my life right now that I want to let all of it go. I want to clean it all out and start fresh. I want my life to emptied, and to fill it with only those things I love the very most: my family, my friends, and that's pretty much it. "Stuff" doesn't rank very high on my list of Important Things. Having the space to enjoy those things I love? Yeah, that's pretty important.

Stuff, it ties you down. Space, it sets you free.

Purposeful Distractions

2008-03-18T13:32:00.000-07:00

I'm one of those people who, when confronted with something unpleasant, buries my head in the proverbial sand and tries to think of something else.

On Friday evening, my grandfather died.

It wasn't unexpected, and it's almost a relief at this point, but there are very few things that make me more productive than the death of someone I care about.

So over the past few days, I've cleaned pretty much my entire house, torn up the carpet in the spare bedroom, hung new curtains in same spare bedroom, moved the dresser, hung a bunch of artwork, done 8 or so loads of laundry, caulked the trim in the guest bathroom, fixed my sewing machine, started on a new handbag, gone shopping, rewrote an obituary, polished all of my good furniture, wiped down the walls in the bedrooms and bathrooms, watched a fair number of movies and DVRed TV shows, and kept up with routine housekeeping tasks.

I have not, however, cooked much of anything, read much of anything, or written anything original.

On the docket for tonight: yoga class, stopping to get a zipper for the bag I'm making, then finishing the bag. Tomorrow: writing, and probably more cleaning.

Gaining Control

2008-03-14T12:16:00.000-07:00

I'm a big fan of FLYLady. I will admit, though, that I do not exactly follow her system.

Okay, I don't follow her system at all.

The thing is, I see the beauty in her system, and I know it could work if I would just commit to doing it, but I haven't gotten into it yet. I feel like I'm getting closer and closer, babystep by babystep, and I am doing more than I used to. It's still not enough.

I want to follow her system though, and it's just occurred to me that if I want to follow it, if I want the FLYLady system to work for me, all I have to do is, as FLYLady says, "jump in where I am."

One piece I was particularly reluctant to adopt is the Control Journal, or the manual that says what needs to be done. I always thought something along the lines of, "Oh, I know what needs to be done, I don't need to write it down." The funny thing is, when I ask Husband to help me out, he says he never knows what I want him to do.

For some reason, the other day I decided to Just Do It. So now there is a binder lying on my kitchen counter with a few sheets of paper in it, along with a few routines (which will undoubtedly change as time goes on), i.e. Things That Need Done. Now, Husband has no excuse for not helping out. And neither do I.

The other thing I'm trying to adopt from her system is the concept of baby steps. Now, I know that baby steps are not her original idea, but they are a key part of the FLYLady message, and I think they're just what I need. Every weekend I make a huge list of things that need done, and I rarely, if ever, get through half of them. Such is the case even when I try to pare down my list.

Today I tried to make a To Do list for this weekend, and it ended up being huge, again. Now, I'm fairly exhausted today, and I know I'm not going to want to do everything I put on that list--I'm going to want to relax for at least a minute or two, and possibly get some sleep in there somewhere. So what I'm going to do instead is borrow an idea from Zen Habits and limit my list to 3 Most Important Tasks (MITs), and possibly less sometimes, depending on how much time I estimate each task will take and how energetic I'm feeling that day.

For example, today I'm feeling absolutely exhausted due to yesterday's excursion to DC and the related few hours of sleep. So I'm putting 3 easy things on my MIT list for this evening:

Caulk the trim in the bathroom. This is a very simple task, and it will take me less than 15 minutes.
Put away clean clothes. Again, a simple task that only takes a few minutes, but it makes such a big difference in how clean the bedroom looks.
Relax. Hopefully my order from Amazon will be here and I can either read my new book, watch my new movie, or listen to my new CD.

If I'm feeling up for it, I may cook something for dinner. It's not imperative that I do, because I've got leftovers I can eat, but I do like to cook occasionally. We'll see.

Also, I'd like to spend some time with my pets. They've been neglected this week. I'm not putting it on my Task list though, because I'm sure they won't let me forget.

Rising to Meet the Challenge

2008-03-11T18:06:00.000-07:00

Day 104, March 11

Today was a crazy day for me. I found out at about 10:30 this morning that my project lead wanted me in Pittsburgh this afternoon. I had originally planned to work at home this afternoon, and had subsequently left the puppy out of his crate (he's fine for a few hours, but give him all day and you're asking for trouble), I hadn't showered, I didn't take a lunch, and I had a bunch of work to do. So I was a little stressed. I made it, but I was stressed (and the house was a mess when I got home--Puppy got into a box of paper and a bag of tealights).

After I rushed home, I took the fastest shower I've ever taken and headed back to town for yoga. I thought I was running late, but the instructor was running later, so it wasn't a problem.

The problem was, I was so wound up from the hectic day that I couldn't settle my brain or my body enough to feel good about my yoga. Consequently, all through the class my shoulders and knees were out of whack, I didn't feel like I was lengthening and stretching properly, and I couldn't balance. There were a few things that I noticed--some of which I noticed before--that had me really frustrated with how I was performing. I know I can do better than I did this evening, but I also know that there are simply some things my body will not do because of its current parameters.

For the first time in my life, I felt like I was too fat to do yoga.

Now, the logical part of my brain tells me I'm crazy for even thinking that. Yoga is all about working with your body and accepting it as it is, about learning to love your body for what it can do and teaching it to become capable of even more. I know that.

But regardless of intellectual knowledge, there are moments in the life of an overweight person when you are confronted with an obstacle that is the direct result of your weight. These moments strike without warning, and always at the worst of times: you can't ride the roller coaster because the belt won't latch, your dog gets away from you because you're not fast enough to catch him when he pulls the leash out of your hand, the instructor has to bring you an extra blanket in yoga class because your legs are too thick to let you reach the floor.

Yoga is a calming, rejuvenative practice for me, typically. Today, it wasn't. I tried to achieve some measure of calm, to de-stress by whatever amount I could, and it just didn't happen. And on the way home I couldn't stop myself from crying, because I just felt so miserable at how far I had let myself fall, that I couldn't even do yoga right, something that I love and am trying to incorporate into my life on a daily basis, because of my weight.

But as I always say, if there's something about yourself or your life that you don't like, the only options you have are to live with it, or to change it. I don't like that I am overweight. I don't like that I have to struggle with it. I don't like that this is the life I've wrought for myself. I don't like that I allow my physical self to place limitations on what I can do.

I don't want to live with it. I want to change it.

So when I got home, I took the dogs for a walk. I was planning to take them for a short walk because they needed it, having been cooped up in the house all day, but we ended up going for a long one. And then I came home and had a salad for dinner. I'm a lot calmer than I was before that walk.

The way to change my weight and my body is to keep moving, to keep going, to keep working.

The way to change your life is to never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever give up.

Did you eat all your vegetables?

2008-03-10T13:08:00.000-07:00

Did you grow up in a home where you had to clean your plate before you were allowed to leave the dinner table? Did you have to finish your vegetables before you could have dessert? Our upbringing has a lot to do with the people we are now, right down to how much we eat.

I don't remember my parents ever telling me to clean my plate, or that there were starving children in China, or any of that (of course, not eating something wasn't really an issue with me). And yet to this day I can hardly go without finishing the food that's put in front of me. I've gotten pretty good at not getting seconds, but I still take more than I should on the first go.

So today at lunch I was thinking about this. I had a bowl of vegetable soup, some baked salmon, and a little bit of brown rice. A nice, healthy lunch, right? And now that I'm finished eating, I'm stuffed. Even though it was healthy, and even though there wasn't a ton of food, there was more food there than I needed to eat. I ate it all anyway.

Why? Because it was there.

That may be a decent reason to climb a mountain, but not to eat food I don't need.

I'm an adult now, and I don't have to clean my plate if I don't want to. The starving children of the world will never get my leftovers anyway. And in the rare instance that I eat dessert, it doesn't matter if I've eaten all my vegetables (although I really should, and forego something less healthy instead).

So as of today, I'm giving myself permission to NOT clean my plate.

Forming Specific Goals

2008-03-09T06:03:00.000-07:00

Day 101, March 8

Having narrowed down my main objectives to improving my health and my house (Yes, I know, two goals still isn't one, but it's better than seven), the only thing that remains for me to do is come up with a specific plan of attack for each goal.

Improving my health consists of eating a healthier diet, exercising more (including cardio, strength training, and yoga), and drinking plenty of water. (I would include cutting back on any bad habits like smoking or drinking, but as I don't smoke and I don't drink much at all, I don't find them relevant enough to list here.)

Okay, great. But that's still not specific enough.

Although losing weight is a top priority for me in my journey to better health, it does very little good for me to list "Lose weight" or even "Lose 50 pounds" as a goal. Yes, that's in my head, but it's not a strategy I can employ, and it's not even entirely under my control (well, it is, but I can't say "Lose 50 pounds by the end of the year" because my body may or may not agree with that schedule). So what strategy can I employ that is something I have complete control over?

Let's start with the easy aspect: drinking plenty of water. Dehydration is a major cause of many minor (and some major) discomforts the body can experience, such as headaches, dizziness and/or fainting, blurred vision, decreased blood pressure, and in extreme cases, even death. From trial and error, I know that for me, "enough" water is about 70-80 ounces per day. Every day. Usually I do pretty well on weekdays and slack off on the weekends, and that's no good. My goal is to drink 70-80 ounces of water every day.

Then comes exercise. It's easy to set exercise goals, but it's much harder to stick to them. Ideally, what do I want to be doing? Jogging for an hour a day, plus yoga and lifting weights. Well, that's not realistic, especially given that at this point I can only jog for about 30 seconds at a time and that I don't particularly want to go jogging, or even walking, in the snow. So let's get real.

Cardio: aerobic exercise, whether it's an aerobic video, the bike, elliptical, stair-climber, walking the dogs, or jogging, for 45 minutes 6 days per week, working up to jogging. My aim is to run a 5K by the end of August. Now, in some of these areas I will need to work up to a full 45 minutes, but I can other supplemental activity (such as walking) to keep up my time.
Yoga: I have yoga class for 1 hour on Tuesdays. After I finish the two beginner sessions (10 weeks from now), I'll be able to take more and different classes. I'd like to do yoga for 30 minutes every day, either at home or in a class.
Strength training: I'm not doing any strength training right now, and I know I should be. The sad part is, I really do enjoy strength training. I love using my weight machine, I love lifting free weights, and I love the results I get from it. My goal for strength training is 30 minutes 3 times a week.

And finally the hard part: diet. Already I am eating healthier than ever before, but I know I could still improve. I am focusing on eating more SuperFoods, which means that I'm eating less of the bad stuff, but there are still times when I'll go on a binge and completely reverse any progress I've made. I know it's all in my head, too. For example, I had a nice bowl of oatmeal for breakfast just a while ago, and yet my brain is screaming at me to go grab a slice of leftover pizza from the frig. I don't need it, and I don't even really want it, and yet that desire to eat is there. The solution? Willpower my way through it for a while, and it will go away.

And that strategy works on both the large and the small scale. The longer you go without the bad food, the less you want it. I've had fast food twice since the beginning of the year (both while on a trip with my parents), and it didn't taste good either time. Now I think about it, and all that comes to mind is the icky, greasy feeling I would be left with. And on the small scale, if I can just ignore the pizza craving for a while, eventually it will go away. Or it will be lunchtime and I can have a slice as my midday meal. Whichever.

So what's my strategy for eating healthier overall?

No fast food. When I eat fast food, I want more of it, and I get to the point where I'm eating it every day. That's bad. And right now I'm at the point where I don't want it, and here is where I want to stay, so no fast food.

Eat more fruits and vegetables. That's pretty abstract though, so I need to be more specific. I believe the food pyramid says something like 5-9 servings a day, so my goal is to eat 1 or more fruits and vegetables at every meal and snack. Usually I have 1 with breakfast, 1-2 as a mid-morning snack (small or large V8), 2 vegetables and a fruit for lunch, fruit for a snack, and 2 vegetables with dinner, which comes to 9 servings. That's an ideal day, but that is my goal.

Eat salmon or other fish twice a week. Some weeks we get this one, some weeks we don't. Husband and I both love salmon though, so it's just a matter of doing it.

Plan all meals, and stick to the plan. Meals are so much simpler when I have a plan, and I am much less stressed, so meal planning is something I need to make a priority.

Eat lean meats, whole grains, and low-fat dairy products. I'm lumping these three together because I already do all of these things. I buy the leanest meats I can, even my pasta is whole grain, and all my dairy products are fat-free. Still, it's something I need to be aware of, so it needs to be on the list.

So that's my complex, specific plan for improving my health.

Which leaves me with improving my house. That one is a bit different, if only because there are some things I cannot do on my own (well, theoretically I could, but without some training they probably wouldn't turn out very well, and I don't have the money or the knowledge to buy all the tools I'd need). However, there is plenty that needs to be done that I absolutely can do on my own, and that's the stuff I need to do. There's so much stuff I'm not even going to go into specifics on it. Suffice it to say that pretty much anywhere I look in my house, I can find something to do to it.

Again, that doesn't help me in the strategy department. The strategy is this:

Whatever room Husband and I decide is our primary focus, spend 15-30 minutes per day working in that room. Right now we are working on two rooms, because we are having company come for Easter. Those two rooms are the guest bathroom and the guest bedroom. Some of the things I want to do will require some additional assistance, but some of it won't.
Declutter 15-30 minutes per day. Some of our rooms aren't too bad. Okay, most of our rooms aren't too bad, but I know there is a lot of room for improvement, even in our cleanest of rooms. In my ideal world I would be a minimalist and live in a clean, simple, minimalist home. I don't think Husband would go for it, but I'd like to bring him as close to it as I am able. I have a long way to go.
Follow FLYLady's Zones, at least for the missions. I have specific rooms I want to declutter first, but I still need to be doing basic maintenance on the rest of my house.
Empty my kitchen sink every night before bed, which includes putting dishes into the dishwasher (and running it if necessary--usually every 2-3 days) and washing, drying, and putting away everything else.
Make the bed every morning. I'm getting pretty good at this one, but it's not firmly ingrained as a habit yet. I know this goal, along with doing my dishes, doesn't seem like it exactly fits with improving my house, but if the house looks neat, I want it to improve, so it's all part of my master plan.

Now that I've got it all planned out, I need to go execute my plan.

How Not to Focus

2008-03-08T19:43:00.000-08:00

Day 100, March 7

So by this point I've sat around all day debating over what to write for this post. In my head I'm always writing something witty and important, but when it comes right down to it I can't think of anything to say.

But I look back at my day, and the days before, and I see what I've got, and perhaps there is something there.

100 days ago, or something more like 104 days ago, I decided to focus my efforts on 7 different goals: getting healthy, working from home, saving money, learning a new skill, reading more, writing a novel, and improving my house. All worthy goals, I think. And for the past 100 days I've blogged here about my progress. It doesn't seem like there's been much.

Sure, I've seen a few changes come about. I have a little bit of money invested. I've lost about 6 pounds. I've sewn some bags. I've read some books. But I haven't done anything more than I would have if I had not been purposefully focusing on those things. And since I haven't, it doesn't seem to be focus at all.

Most of the blogs I read concern personal improvement, and a good many of the posts have to deal with focus, with getting things done. One of the main tips you can glean from this type of article is "Only focus on one thing at a time." And I do understand the point of that; the very definition of focus is having your concentration gathered around one specific goal, and having seven goals isn't focusing at all.

But I say to myself, "But MY goals don't have anything to do with each other, so they're not detracting from anything." And so I go about my merry business, "focusing" on all seven goals.

And not meeting any of them.

But how do I narrow it down? How do I select which goal is more important than the others? I have seven goals because I think they're all important. How do I pick which one is the most important?

I think it comes down to one question: would I be happy with my life/myself if I did not achieve that goal by the end of the year? So I need to ask myself that about each of my seven goals.

Working from home? Probably. I've gotten a good deal more comfortable in my current job in recent months, and my job satisfaction is actually growing at this point. Sure, I have my bad days, but that's every job, and I would have those working from home as well.

Learning a new skill? Probably. The skills I'm working on a mere hobbies, nothing my life or livelihood depends on, and I have a certain level of competence now and am simply trying to improve. What would I lose if I don't achieve this goal? Nothing at all.

Finances? Sure. My finances aren't in bad shape right now. I've got my 401K working for me, I've got a little bit invested, and only a tiny bit of very manageable debt. Husband and I both have decent jobs, so we're doing fairly well.

This is the part where it gets tough.

Read more books? When I'm not reading consistently I feel like I should be, and I always feel like I haven't read as much as I should have. The thing is, it doesn't matter how many books I read, just so I read.

Write a novel? I go back and forth on this one. Writing is important to me, but I go through phases when I just can't seem to do it. Not that I'm incapable of it, just that I have no desire to. Like right now. My creative energies are turned to sewing and yoga. But I think that there are things in me that need to be written, if only for my own peace of mind. And if I don't at least try to succeed as a writer, I'll always wonder if I could have. And the further away I get from writing, the harder it is to go back. So I want to write. Of course, whether I finish a novel this year or next shouldn't really make that much difference. I just don't think I should put it off; I need all the time I can get, so I might as well start now.

Improve my house? I can absolutely say that if nothing about my house changes by the end of the year, I will feel miserable about it. Not much changed last year, and I kick myself for it daily. I could have been so much further along. But there's no point in worrying about last year, so I just need to make sure the same thing doesn't happen this year.

Improve my health? I've never been happy with the state of my health, not once in my life. I do feel that I'm doing better now than I ever have done in the past, but I know I still have a long way to go. I want to run a marathon, or at least a 5K. I want to eat a healthy diet and set a good example for my children. I want to lose weight. I want to like how I look. I want to feel good about my body. Most importantly, I want to nourish my body so that it stays as strong as possible for as long as possible.

By that rating, it seems to me that the most important things are getting healthy and working on my house, so I'm narrowing my focus down to those two things. Of course I'll still work on those other goals, but in order to make drastic improvements (which is what I'm aiming for), I've got to make drastic changes.

Tomorrow, I'm going to focus more on those two goals and specifics on how I intend to achieve them.

Days 98 and 99

2008-03-07T06:20:00.000-08:00

March 5 and 6

I'm back from the work trip. This was probably the best trip I've had, and I even had a bit of fun. I really like the people I'm working with now, and we have a fabulous working relationship, so it's all good.

The thing is, with these trips, I usually pay no attention whatsoever to what I'm eating and drinking, and whether or not I'm exercising. This time, however, I did *very* well with the food intake, and I even did about half an hour of yoga in my hotel room on Wednesday night.

I did read a good bit, but I didn't finish Gormenghast. The language is so complex that I find myself reading very slowly in order to comprehend and savor it. Not that that's a bad thing, because it's not, it's just taking me longer than I think it should. No matter, I'll finish it this weekend, as I only have 50 or so pages left to go.

Last night, however, was a different story. Husband is going out of town early tomorrow morning, so I wanted to spend a bit of time with him before he left. As a result, we ordered a pizza and watched a movie. Between the two of us, we ate an entire pizza, breadsticks, and chicken nuggets! It was like a crazy feeding frenzy--we just looked down and it was all gone. We haven't done that in a loooooong time (if ever, now that I think about it). Oh well, something healthy for dinner tonight! After eating the pizza, I went straight to the freezer and got out some boneless, skinless chicken breasts to thaw for tonight. And then I noticed that there's still a turkey tenderloin in the frig. Either way, it'll be healthier than pizza.

Oh, and I also worked a little bit on my latest bag last night. I'm almost finished (just have to sew the lining in), but there are a few things that aren't going to turn out right, and there's not anything I can do about it at this point. Oh well. I'll sew that together tonight, and then it will be done.

So this morning I was thinking about my goals for the weekend. I always make myself a huge list of goals, and I never get to half of them, so I'm going to cut it down a bit.

Tonight
Exercise (walk dogs if weather permits)
Laundry (a necessity for Husband's trip)
Dishes
Finish bag
Vacuum and dust
Finish Gormenghast

Saturday
Exercise (walk dogs if weather permits)
Blog post, article style
Change sheets
Grout bathroom
Declutter for 30 minutes or 1 room
Cut pieces for J's bag(s)

Sunday
Exercise (walk dogs if weather permits)
Blog post, article style
Tear up carpet in spare room
Bag clothes for Goodwill
Sew J's bag(s)
If Dad or Brother can come help, finish baseboard and moulding in bathroom
Hang door in bathroom

I think that's plenty to do for this weekend.

Day 97

2008-03-05T08:33:00.000-08:00

March 4

Ah, yoga, how I love thee!

So last night was yoga class, and it was wonderful. I do love it so. And we had a bunch of new people last night, which was both good and bad. I sort of liked having the very small group (only 4 people including myself, and one of them wasn't there last night), but it was good to have other people involved, if only because it made me feel better about my body and my ability.

As far as my weight goes, I'm doing okay. My weight is still going down, slowly, but I'm okay with that. I'm not sticking to the actual SuperFoods diet very well, but what I am doing is trying to incorporate as many SuperFoods as I can at every meal and snack, to the exclusion of other foods. I think I'm doing fairly well, and since I am losing weight I think I'm doing fairly well. Also, I seem to have more energy now. I'm trying to plan my lunches according the SuperFoods diet, even if there are a few slight changes, and I don't get that afternoon slump anymore, so that's definitely an improvement. I think it has to do with the reduced amound of carbs, or at least starchy carbs, I'm getting in my lunch, but whatever it is, I'll take it. It makes me feel good to know that I'm getting healthier, mentally, physically, all around.

I didn't do much of anything else last night, except read some of Gormenghast. I seem to be nearing the climax of the story, which is good, because that means I'm almost done. I think I have around 100 pages left to go with this novel, the second in the trilogy. I'm really enjoying it, though it is taking me a long time to read. I am on a business trip tonight, so I should have plenty of quiet time to read in the hotel this evening, and I hope to finish it.

On a different note, I've decided to change the way I do this blog. To this point it's been mostly a record of my days, and while I sort of want that built in, I would like to make it more . . . useful. It's not useful or interesting to anyone for me to say, "I read some yesterday, I went to yoga, then I laid on the couch." That's boring, and it wasn't really what I had in mind anyway. I want to write actual article-type blog posts, and so I intend to do that. I plan to incorporate my daily progression into these posts, but hopefully it will spice things up a bit. I plan to start doing that on Saturday, with my Day 100 post.

Day 96

2008-03-04T13:32:00.000-08:00

March 3

Well, I didn't accomplish near as much last night as I wanted to, but that seems to be my theme.

I did work on my latest bag a bit, but I didn't finish it. I got to a point where I sewed something on backwards and I gave up for the evening. I can fix it no problem, and probably will tonight, but I just didn't feel like dealing with it at that point.

And I did read some more of Gormenghast, though I'm still not finished. I really hope to finish it tomorrow evening, while I'm sitting in a hotel in Pittsburgh all by myself with nothing better to do and no one to disturb me. :)

Oh, and I did take the dogs for a walk yesterday, since the weather was so very lovely. Today, not so much, but I do have yoga class today, so not all is lost.

Days 93, 94, and 95

2008-03-03T12:29:00.000-08:00

February 29-March 2

And we've got . . . progress! Unfortunately, we don't.

Let me explain.

On Saturday I finished and sealed the grout in the bathroom. On Sunday, the grout in the bathroom was still coming up, so I sealed it again. And then, it was still coming up.

But! I figured out the problem (by returning to Lowes and asking them what the freaking problem was): apparently we haven't been using actual grout, we've been using only the grout colorant. Thanks for that, Dad! But now I have the other stuff I need to mix with it to make *real* grout, so now we can finally finish the stinking tile.

However, we did purchase our crown moulding, and Mom and Dad came over yesterday and put in the few slivers of tile we still needed (we thought the baseboard would cover it, but it doesn't, so it's fixed now). Now we can actually grout the tile, put up the last piece of baseboard, finish the trim, rehang the door (we got new hinges), and put up the crown moulding. Then caulk, sand, and paint the trim, figure out something to do with the doors, and we're done. This IS going to be done before Easter. IT IS IT IS IT IS!

In other news, I didn't finish reading Gormenghast, but I read about half of what I had left, so I'm getting closer. I hope to be done with it this week.

I'm most of the way through with making another bag--with a zipper! I'm determined to get this zipper thing to work, and I should be finished with this one tonight, so I'll post it tomorrow. A friend bought some fabric for me to make her some bags, and I've had it for weeks already, and I feel so bad that I haven't done them yet, but for some reason I felt the necessity to figure out how to install a zipper before I could start on her bags, even though I haven't fully decided to put a zipper in either of her bags. Anyway, this bag will be done tonight, and then I'll get to work on her bags. I'll get at least one of them done this weekend, if not both. Husband is going to the basketball tournament this weekend and next week, so the house will be nice and quiet for reading and sewing.

Day 92

2008-02-29T06:12:00.000-08:00

February 28

As a huge shocker, there was no work accomplished on the bathroom yesterday evening. Husband and I did have a bit of a conversation about how we get things done, or more accurately, about how we don't get things done. He asked if I though I had bitten off more than I could chew and what I wanted to be doing was unmanageable. My response was, "I don't think that keeping up with the dishes and other housework and remodeling a small bathroom in the space of a YEAR is unmanageable. I think WE just aren't managing it well enough."

We tore up the bathroom last March, I believe around the 7th or 8th, when I had taken a few days off from work. If we had really been working on it, it should have taken us 3 or 4 weekends total to finish, and that's being generous. It's taken a whole freaking YEAR. I'm sick of not having it done, just sick.

I'm doing the floor at the very least this weekend, whether he helps me or not.

I did get a few things done last night though. We had a yummy homemade dinner, plus I made pumpkin pudding with streusel for today's pot luck at work, and I cleaned up the kitchen. I decluttered one of my bookshelves (which took me an entire 15 minutes session), did some yoga, and read more of Gormenghast, so the night wasn't a complete loss.

Day 91

2008-02-28T06:51:00.000-08:00

February 27

I love winter. Sure, snowy, slippery roads are no fun, but it's so pretty. When I left work yesterday, everything was so perfectly silent and peaceful, and there was an unbroken white fluff coating every surface, clinging to every branch of ever tree, and it was beautiful. I'm so lucky to live in such an awe-inspiring place, and even more lucky that I occasionally notice it.

So yesterday was good. I didn't get quite as much accomplished as I wanted to, but I did make some progress, so I'm not too upset about it. We had a yummy homemade dinner, and Husband helped me clean a little afterwards. I got the guest bathroom cleaned (and in less than 15 minutes!) except for the floor, which I really, really, really want to do tonight. I decluttered a little tiny bit, I sewed a little bit, and I even read a little bit. I wanted to work out, but 1) I ran out of time, and 2) my hip flexors are sore for some completely unapparent reason. They're still sore this morning, and somehow I managed to bust open the scab on my knee from where I fell on Sunday and now it's all oozy and gross again, but I plan to do some yoga and possibly one of my more low-impact videos.

I had a very calm and introspective day though. It occured to me as I was writing my post yesterday that I'm almost a quarter of the way through my 400 Days project, and it spurred me to think about what I've accomplished, and my goals in general. I plan to do a 100-Day Review next weekend, but here's an overview:

1. Improve my health
I'm doing okay on this front, but I'm not as far along as I could have been. I didn't really get started until half way through January, and for most of February I slacked off. I feel like I'm really getting into it now, and not only that, but enjoying it, and that makes all the difference. I'm down about 8.4 pounds as of this morning.

2. Improve my finances
Just this week I paid off over half of my credit card, which is a reasonably small amount anyway. I've invested more money and signed up for my 401K. Also, I got a raise. I'd say I'm definitely doing better on this account. I'd still like to be spending less than I am and have more money in savings and less debt, but I'm working on it, and I'll take what I can get for now. I'm not too stressed about it at the moment.

3. Work from home
No progress on this front. In fact, I feel like I'm becoming more and more entrenched here as time passes, especially since I did get that raise. The main thing with working at home is that I have to have something I can do instead of this job, and I'm still building up my skills for that. I want to sell bags and crafts--fine, but I need to do a sufficiently good job first. I want to write--well, that I've just got to do, and start putting it out there. Of course, there's always the possibility that once I have kids I'll quit or at least cut back to part time, or see if they let me work from home part time, which would be just dandy with me.

4. Finish a novel
Alas, not much progress here. I've done a few outlines, but I've hardly written much of anything this year. That kind of makes me sad. There are so many thing in my head screaming to be written, and yet I'm just not doing it. My priorities shift around so much that it's hard to find time for everything. Do I want to read this evening, or clean, or exercise/do yoga, or write, or do any of the other myriad things I need to do? I think I need a schedule, and then I need to stick to it. Even if it's only one day a week that I sit down and actually write, I have to make sure I do it.

5. Improve my house
We've made a little bit of progress, but nothing tremendous. I was really hoping to have the guest bathroom completely finished by this point, and we haven't really done much of anything besides put up some of the baseboard and some of the trim. And the trim still needs caulked, sanded, and painted. I'm determined to have it done before Easter though, and the sooner the better. It's been torn up for almost an entire year now, and I just want it done.
However, I have done a bit of decluttering and organizing. When you look at each individual piece it doesn't seem like much, but put it all together and it equals a significant improvement. I've gotten much better at keeping up with the housework, and that in itself is amazing.
Also, we've got new dining room furniture, and torn up part of the upstairs carpet. And really, once we get at it, the carpet won't take that long to finish. I want that done before Easter too.

6. Learn a new skill (Sewing, cooking, and a foreign language)
I haven't done anything towards learning a foreing language, but I have been cooking a lot, and new recipes, so I'm learning new things about cooking, which was my goal. And I have been sewing. Not as much as I'd like, but I think I'm definitely getting better. Last night I made a zippered gusset, which I'll put into a purse perhaps today or tomorrow. I'm determined to figure it out. That's progress.

7. Read (One classic and one recent novel per month, with reviews)
I am doing fairly well with the reading. I'm a little behind where I thought I'd be, and my reviews aren't very in-depth (usually), but at least I'm reading. So far I've read Heart of Darkness, American Gods, Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell, The Sound and the Fury, Animal Farm, and Titus Groan, and part of Gormenghast. Although I'm not sure if American Gods counts as a 400 Days effort, because I don't remember when I read it. I'm going to finish Gormenghast soon (this weekend, I hope), then I'll probably read another short classic, then I'll go back for Titus Alone. I guess that's on track with reading two books a month, as long as I don't count the entire Gormenghast trilogy as one book.

Well, that turned out to be more review than overview, but oh well.

Okay, off to accomplish something!

Day 90

2008-02-27T07:58:00.000-08:00

February 26

I was right: I loved yoga class! There were only 4 people in my class, and the instructor was very nice and helpful, and all was well. I'm excited to go back next week.

As it turns out, this particular studio is a teaching studio, so all of the classes are progressive, which means that there aren't any others I can take right now. Once I'm done with the beginner sequence I'll be able to take a couple more though, and the instructor said she'll help us build home practices to do on the days we're not in class, so it's all good.

And again yesterday I did fairly well on the SuperFoods diet, though still not perfect. I'm okay with it, especially since my weight is still going down. I'm doing well so far today, too, and the dinner I have planned is a SuperFoods recipe. I even went through and plugged all of my food into DietPower for the past few days. I'd been writing it down, but I like DP because it allows me to monitor my nutrients and calorie levels. So far I'm doing pretty good. And I don't feel hungry, which is a big deal for me. I hate feeling hungry--it's an absolute deal-buster.

I did not, however, get much of anything done last night. No sewing, no reading, no nothing. I was kind of impressed that I managed to unload and reload the dishwasher. I feel bad that I haven't been keeping up with the house stuff as much as I'd like. I did so well at shining my sink last month (FLYLady's January habit), but I've barely started decluttering this month. A few minutes at a time, here and there, but certainly nothing to call a habit. I've cleaned off most of the desk in the living room, and the magazine bin beside the couch, and a few things in the kitchen, but that's about it. And I've even been slacking more than I'd like with the dishes. I don't want to go back! I want to improve!

So I've decided that tonight after dinner (salmon, yummy!) I'm going to do a couple of FLYLady missions. I did the Swish and Swipe in the main bathroom this morning, and I did wash the breakfast dishes and load the dishwasher this morning, so that's a start. But I want to start digging in to more of my clutter. Right now I just want it out of my house, and I just need to start.

There's so much to do, and I just need to start.

Day 89

2008-02-26T10:53:00.000-08:00

February 25

I got home late yesterday, after stopping by the yoga studio and doing some shopping, so I didn't get much of anything done in the evening.

I did stock up on healthy foods in accordance with the SuperFoods diet (doing ok so far, probably 90% on plan). I have a few things left to get (didn't want to get them at WalMart), but I'm good.

And tonight is my first yoga class. I'm so nervous. I know it will be fine and I'll love it, but I always get so worked up about these things. Being around new people, new experiences, it's all a bit weird. And I'm adding all of that to the fact that despite the fact that I have done yoga before, I've never taken an actual fitness class of any sort, so it's like stepping into an entirely new world. I'm thrilled and anxious and I wish it was time to go so I could just get it over with. I think after the first few minutes, after I see that no one is pointing and laughing and making fun, after I see that yoga still feels good in a class setting, after I get over the initial shock of "OMG, I'm doing something NEW!" I"ll be just fine.

I still wish Mom was coming with me though, if only because I think she would enjoy it, and I think she needs to get out more. She said she'll come with me some time, if I like it.

Anyway, when I got home last night, I started on another bag. I'm determined to make a bag with a zipper. I've tried a number of times and always ended up ripping it out, but I am absolutely going to do it this time. I just need to get over my doubt and do it, so I'm going to. Hopefully I will get further along tonight, even if I don't finish. I hope I finish though. I'm sick of procrastinating.

Days 86, 87, and 88

2008-02-25T10:31:00.000-08:00

February 22-24

I didn't do much useful on Friday or Saturday, because I was at a horse show with my parents. We had lots of fun though, not only buying matching sweatshirts, looking at pretty horses, and wandering around the expo, but also swimming in the hotel pool.

I didn't meet my goal of eating no fast food this month due to this trip.

Yesterday was a bit different though. I was up early, and I got a ton of stuff done. Not as much as I wanted, of course, but enough to feel good about it. There was laundry and general cleaning in the morning, followed by the reading of Animal Farm, and a nice long walk/jog with Husband and the dogs. And then, there was much sleeping.

I was cleaning one of my bookshelves and thinking about my goal of reading 2 books per month this year, and I realized that I'm a bit behind. This is mostly because the contemporary books I've picked thusfar have been rather long (Gormenghast, anyone?). But, looking at my shelf, I noticed that a good many of the classics on my list are fairly short, which should make up for the length of the others, hence I picked up Animal Farm.

Concerning Animal Farm I say, um, yeah. It's sort of strange for me, reading books that, although I have not read them before, I know the story. As the story progressed, I knew exactly what was going to happen. Whether that's because I'm a bit above the reading level, because I know the story so well, or because it was written in such a manner as to be so transparent, I have no idea. I understand the message, I guess I was just disappointed that it was so very . . . blatant and predictable. But the writing itself was easy to follow, Orwell's language was clear, and the reading was quick and mostly painless.

And that pretty much sums up my feelings on most of the classics.

Around noon Husband and I took the dogs down to the Rail Trail. This is the first time we've had the new puppy down there, and long overdue. He's been rather restless lately, which is entirely our fault. It's been cold and snowy/rainy, so we haven't taken them out much recently. But yesterday was gorgeous, if still chilly, so away we went. We walked a little over 4 miles, and we even did a few sprints of jogging. The last time we jogged, the puppy decided to stop right in front of me and spin in a circle. I, of course, ran into him, and we both went down. Now my knee is a lovey shade of purple, there's a big lump and a great big scab. Oh yeah, and it HURTS.

Oh well, I'll get over it.

Then when we got home, we had some lunch, and I took a nap on the couch. For about 4 hours. And then I got up for about an hour and then went to bed. I didn't sleep very well at all last night though, so I'm still sluggish today. Ugh.

In other news, I'm starting on the SuperFoods diet today. I'm doing ok so far, except I succumbed to a chocolate truffle thingy at lunch (I hate it when they put that stuff in the kitchen!). It was small, though, and I'm doing pretty well otherwise, so I'm not too worried about it.

It's strange, because I'm oddly excited about this diet. I really feel like this is something I can do, and stick with, something I can live with, and that's all-important. I'm just in love with the concept of SuperFoods and what they can do for me, and if this diet allows me to lose weight, more the better.

It says you can lose up to 2 inches off your waist in 2 weeks, and to measure your waist every Monday morning. Today my waist measured 39.75 inches. (I also weighed myself, but I'm not posting that here!)

This evening I'm going to sign up for yoga classes, which start tomorrow, then going grocery shopping. I'll have dinner at Subway (thanks to a gift card from Nat!), which is on the SuperFoods list, so it's all good. I've made up my menu for the next couple of weeks, although it just occured to me that I'll have to figure something out around my yoga classes (may not change anything except the timing), and even my grocery list, so I'm good to go.

Other goals for this week: finish the bathroom (no, still haven't done that), finish tearing up carpet, sort clothes for giveaway (me and Husband), 2-3 yoga classes, write something, finish reading Gormenghast, stick to SuperFoods diet, do some cooking/food prep, walk the dogs most days (jog if I can).

I'm sure there's other stuff to be done as well.

Day 85

2008-02-22T06:55:00.000-08:00

February 21

I don't feel like I've been doing much of anything lately. I haven't even really been cleaning.

I did get a raise at work though, which is good. I really want to put my extra money to good use, paying off debt, working on the house, savings, investments. I just need to be a little more careful with my money, that's all. And there's no reason I can't do that.

I'm feeling very . . . determined right now, like I want to do exactly what it takes to get to where I want to be, and nothing else. Of course, I'm not actually doing it, and a feeling won't accomplish much on its own.

I'm not at work today, because I'm going to a horse show with my parents. I haven't even packed yet, or showered, or anything. They're supposed to be here to pick me up in about 2 hours, and I want to do at least a bit of cleaning before I leave.

I'll be home Saturday night, and on Sunday Husband and I are going to finish the bathroom floor. One day this week, or perhaps next weekend (it depends on whether I can get Dad or Brother to come help--they've got the tools), I want to finish the bathroom completely. There's so little left to do, and I'm sick of not having it done. Plus I get paid on Monday (with my raise!), so I can afford the few materials we have left to buy (crown molding, and I think that's it).

Well, I'd better get busy.

Days 82, 83, and 84

2008-02-20T18:32:00.000-08:00

February 18-20

Monday and Tuesday I was on a trip for work (hence the not posting). Nothing much exciting happened. I read some of Gormenghast, I did some work, and that's about it.

Today, however, I have decided to take a yoga class. I'm very excited. There are new classes starting up next week at a studio fairly close to my office, and I'm going to be there. I'm going to take 2 or 3 a week, schedule permitting. I do love yoga.

This Friday and Saturday I am going to a horse show in PA with my parents. Sunday we're working on the guest bathroom.

My friend Natalie is coming to visit me in 30 days, and the bathroom WILL be finished! Also, the carpet in the spare room will be gone. I got all the moldy carpet out, so the smell is gone, but now it just looks back because the carpet is all torn up. Hopefully that will be finished over the next week or so, so that I can put things back together.

As far as work goes, I sort of got offered a promotion of sorts. Someone is leaving, and they're having me take over a part of her job. I told them I would do it depending on the "package" they offered me. The CFO was out for a bit, so they couldn't do financial stuff, and today they're trying to schedule my training and so forth, and I'm just waiting to see how much they want to offer me. The way I see it, if I'm doing additional work that requires additional training, I should get additional pay. If they're not upping my pay, I'm not doing it.

Day 81

2008-02-18T06:23:00.000-08:00

February 17

Yesterday was semi-productive. Finished the laundry, cleaned a little bit (not enough--it's never enough), made a bag, and tore up some carpet from the spare bedroom. I didn't feel very well though, so I sat around the rest of the day, did some reading, and watched Stardust (LOVE!).

As for the bag I made, I was just playing around with some remnants I had, and this is what I came up with:

It's not perfect, but my friend Rachael loved it, so I'm sending it to her. :)

After all, I really don't need 83 million bags, and it does fit nicely into my master plan of papering the world in Cute.

So then, carpet. We had our roof replaced in August or so (possibly September, I don't remember exactly when), and yet a couple of times, during heavy storms since then, there has been a leak in the ceiling of the spare bedroom. There was no leak before they replaced the roof. Anyway, the spare bedroom was one of the only rooms left in the house that still has carpet, namely because the carpet in there had been replaced more recently than the rest of the house and was still in decent shape. Enter leaky ceiling. The carpet got wet, and since there was no place for the water to go, the carpet and the underlying padding got moldy and stinky, and it was making me sick to even walk into the room. The carpet had to go.

So yesterday I went upstairs armed with my exacto knife, a hammer, a screwdriver, and some pliers, and I went to work. I didn't finish tearing it all up, but I got out the moldy part (and about made myself sick in the process--I still don't feel great). It's starting to smell better, which is always good.

Anyway, I'm off.

Day 79 and 80

2008-02-17T04:47:00.000-08:00

February 15 and 16

Not much going on here this weekend. Friday night I made Husband make up for his absence on Valentine's Day by ordering in, snuggling on the couch, and watching a movie. That's pretty much all we did on Friday.

Yesterday, he went to another basketball game, and I hung out with my mom for a bit. There's a furniture store going out of business nearby, so we went to find out if they were having any good sales. They weren't, and prices were still outrageous. I did find a couple of living room suites I would have loved to have, but I didn't feel like shelling out $549 for a coffee table, let alone $3900 for a sofa. Oh well. One day I will have a new couch, just not today.

And then I came home and cleaned a small bit, including moving more of my craft stuff to the basement, which I am going to finish today (hopefully). I got some laundry done and will finish it today as well. I would have done more last night, but I found my way into clumsy mode and didn't feel like torturing myself anymore, so I stopped. The worst part of it wasn't technically painful though: I cleaned the oven yesterday morning, then dropped an entire chicken and zucchini casserole on the open oven door. It hurt my calm more than anything else, but I'm just mad I'll have to clean the oven again. I've already washed the stuff in the drawer beneath, which needed done anyway, so I guess I should look at it as a good thing.

We did take the dogs for a walk yesterday morning, because it was a beautiful day. I want to exercise today, but honestly, I'm a little scared. I know that's crazy, but there it is. Ever since I almost passed out at the doctor's two days in a row, and then the next time I exercise I almost passed out again . . . I don't know. I didn't even get dizzy while we were walking yesterday, so maybe I just need to stick with low-impact for a while, until I get over my fear. The main problem is, I really, really want to be doing yoga, and it was the yoga that made me all woozy when I exercised (because there were a lot of inversions). I guess we'll see.

Anyway, today I plan to finish the laundry, finish moving the craft stuff downstairs, finish a bag I'm working on, hopefully at least start another bag, rearrange some furniture in the bedrooms, and, if at all possible, start tearing up carpet in the spare bedroom. There was a leak in the ceiling, so the carpet got wet, and now it stinks. It needs torn up anyway, and really, that job isn't that hard. On the other hand, I feel like getting the bathroom finished should be my first priority. Or cleaning the dining room so my pretty furniture doesn't look so completely out of place. *sigh*

Decisions, decisions.

Day 78

2008-02-15T05:48:00.000-08:00

February 14

Ah, Valentine's Day.

Pfft, whatever. I spent most of the day alone, as Husband was at a basketball game. I was even asleep before he got home. How romantic, eh? He says he'll take me out to dinner sometime. I'm okay with that.

Let's see, what did I do yesterday?

Well, I worked from home yesterday afternoon, because my new dining room furniture was being delivered. Yay! It's beautiful and I love it and now I want to remodel and redecorate my entire house (or at the very least my dining room) so it's worth of this gorgeous furniture.

This is the china cabinet, the piece I already had. It was a wedding present from my parents and my grandmother. It's so hard to take a picture of, due to all the glass and mirrors. At least now I get to take some of the heap of stuff out of it and put it in my buffet, so I can make this cabinet look nice.

And then there are the new pieces, which were Christmas presents from my mom. Please excuse my messy dining room and the puppy feet and toys. :) Oh, and Mom put the candles there, in my beautiful, beautiful Tiffany candlesticks.

I really love the contrast of the red wood, the green placemats, and the blue walls. The walls and trim need redone, but I'll probably end up painting them cobalt blue again. The other option I'm considering is metallic gold, but the hardware on the furniture is brushed silver, so we'll see. I don't have to decide today anyway.

In any case, I love it, and I'm very excited to have some nice furniture.

And then yesterday evening, while sitting home alone, I worked a very little bit on a new bag. I couldn't find my interfacing, and I didn't feel like searching for it, so I didn't finish it. I think I'm going to make it a bit smaller anyway.

I was just feeling very lackluster yesterday, so I sat on the couch and read some of SuperFoods HealthStyle, and that's about it.

Hopefully this weekend will see some more cleaning, some work on the house (I'm feeling very fed up with it lately), and some sewing. I'd really like to finish the laptop bag I started so I can take it with me on Monday (business trip), but I'm a bit confused about it, so we'll see.

Days 76 and 77

2008-02-13T17:42:00.000-08:00

February 12-13

Not much exciting happened. I did finish reading Titus Groan, the first of the Gormenghast novels. Lovely. Just lovely. I'll hold off on my final review until I've read the other two books. As a slight break before heading into Gormenghast itself, I'm reading SuperFoods HealthStyle.

Again today I was asked if I've lost weight. I always love that. I had a very healthy eating day, even with the catered lunch at work, and I even managed to exercise. I've missed a few days of working out, so I'm glad to get back to it. I really don't want to fall out of the habit.

My new furniture is being delivered tomorrow, and I'm so very excited. There will be pictures.

Tomorrow is also the one-year anniversary of the launch of my other website, toboldlynano.com. This evening I made up a little something to celebrate, which can be seen on the main site tomorrow (hopefully, if I can figure out the technicalities).

I have a bit of other news in the works, but I'll wait until I have more details before going into that. Hopefully tomorrow.

Day 75

2008-02-12T10:39:00.000-08:00

February 11

You know what yesterday meant? PROGRESS!

Not of an insane amount, but any progress is good progress, and I'm so glad it happened.

Yesterday afternoon my brother volunteered to come help us put up trim in our bathroom, so we met him at Lowes to get the necessary supplies and went from there. As it turns out, we need another sliver of tile along the wall because the door trim doesn't cover the gap that was left, but all of the trim except that one wall and door is up. Yay!

So to completely finish the bathroom, that leaves:

touching up the grout in the main part of the bathroom
finishing the grout in the closet
sealing the grout
putting up the trim around the closet door
putting up the baseboard along the wall with the closet door
caulking and painting the trim around the doors and windows
figuring out what in the world I'm going to do with the doors to make them match
rehanging the closet door
putting up crown moulding
possibly caulking, tiling, or otherwise fixing the one small missing piece of ceiling tile that hopefully will be covered by the crown moulding anyway
hanging a curtain

In other house news, my dining room furniture is in and will be delivered on Thursday. I'm very excited, but now I really want my dining room walls and windows redone. We're planning to do it this year anyway, but I want it done *now*. I think I'm going to paint it gold.

Also, I got a couple of knobs for the kitchen cabinets. I really want to change the handles because they're gross, but I want to paint the cabinets first, which is a major project. Cheap, but major. I'll need to wait until it warms up a bit so I can work in the garage. I do like the knobs though. And I've decided I'd like to have slate tile in there. Yep, I can see it all in my head.

In completely other news, I was asked this morning by a coworker if I've lost weight. So far this year I've lost about 6 pounds. If I can get my butt back into exercise mode, I'll lose more. This weekend really sucked as far as food goes, but I'm pretty much back on track now and going strong. I've missed a few days of exercise though, and I've got to cut that out.

It's struck me again that I really want to run. A friend of mine ran a half-marathon on Sunday, and she's so incredibly inspiring. But I was jogging this fall, and I was enjoying it. Then the cold weather came, and I fell out of it, and I'm sure I'll need to work up to it again, but it is something I really want to do. I don't know if I'll ever run a marathon, or even a half-marathon, but a 5K is definitely within my scope one day. I want to push myself, and I want to cross a finish line. I want to prove to myself that I can do that.

Anyway, I'm still working on Gormenghast. I read a bit more last night, but I couldn't make it to the end of the first novel. I should finish tonight though.

Days 72, 73, and 74

2008-02-11T03:14:00.000-08:00

February 8, 9, 10

I didn't accomplish much of anything this weekend. A few small things, I guess, like washing the sheets and keeping the kitchen clean (hey, that's an accomplishment!). Actually, I cleaned a good bit of The Desk too, and that is a major accomplishment. It's not quite done, but I made a significant dent in the mess, and that is what I was aiming for.

As I suspected, Mom and Grandma came over, and we did craft stuff. Mom was making some pillows, but the machine didn't like it, so she's going to have to do a bit of it by hand. Grandma and I made sugar cookies, just because I had some mix. I got some pretty new material that I have no idea what I'm going to do with but I love it, and they helped me cut out the pieces for a bag I want to make. I still have no idea how to piece it together, so I'll need Mom's help again for that. Perhaps when she comes back to finish her pillows.

I didn't exercise, or do much of anything healthy this weekend. I just felt exhausted. I still feel exhausted. I know I'm getting plenty of sleep (we went to bed at 9:30 last night), so I don't know what is up. I need to get back to the exercise this evening though, because I don't want to fall out of the habit altogether.

Also this weekend, Husband tore up most of the carpet in his computer room. This is the last bit of the horrible brown carpet that was throughout the house when we moved in. There's hardwood underneath, and the floor in the computer room are in remarkably good shape. I'm just glad it's finally coming out, even if we didn't get around to the bathroom floor. Hopefully that will get done one evening this week.

And I caught up on Torchwood Season 2, and I read a good bit more of Gormenghast. I can't express how much I love the language of this book. It's utterly delicious. There are moments when I simply have to giggle with delight at Peake's words. I have about 50 more pages, then I'll be done with the first novel, Titus Groan. Next is Gormenghast (which I've been using to describe the entire trilogy), and then Titus Alone.

Day 71

2008-02-08T06:51:00.000-08:00

February 7

Doctor's appointment yesterday. Result: I'm fine. They tried to draw some blood to run panels, but they couldn't get anything and ended up rooting around in my hand until I almost passed out. I have to go back this afternoon so they can try again.

Also yesterday, writers' group. It was okay, but I don't feel like I'm any further today than I was. However, I did write more of the outline for one of my other stories while I was waiting for the others to show up, so I suppose that is something.

In other news, my parents bought a new truck last night. It's about time! They've been arguing about it for months already, and they really did need a truck. And apparently Mom and Grandma want to meet up at my house for some unspecified reason tomorrow, which is just fine with me. I'm betting we'll be going craft shopping, also fine.

Today, more of the same. Work = project planning and other assort work stuff. Doctor = the drawing of the blood (hopefully Mission Accomplished this time). Home = exercise, dinner, reading, relaxing, and perhaps catching up on Bill Maher.

Day 70

2008-02-07T04:33:00.000-08:00

February 6

Yesterday was a fairly good day. Of course, it sucked while I was going through it, and I wasn't in a great mood for most of the day, but looking back it doesn't seem so bad, and there were a few accomplishments I'm rather proud of.

So I've been on this big cleaning kick lately. I've been getting FLYLady emails for weeks, but I never did any of the missions or anything. I shined my sink, and I've been decluttering a little bit at a time. By this point, my kitchen is mostly clean, and the dishes are washed every night before bed. And my bed is usually made in the mornings, and my dining room table is kept mainly clear (except for Husband's stuff, which I can't get him to put away). It's not a remarkable amount, but it's an improvement.

Anyway, FLYLady. For the most part, I've been telling myself that I will start doing the missions and using her reminders after I've got everything basically clean, so basically use her system for maintenance. But this week the missions were in the kitchen, which is the room I've been focusing on anyway, and they really are simple, quick things to do, and I told myself that I had no reason not to wipe down the front of my cabinets, or the inside of my frig, and I actually did it. It was such a small little thing that I never would have even thought to do, yet it made me feel so much better, about my home and about myself.

What's more, I looked ahead to today's mission, which is to scrub my countertops. Over the weekend I took my grandmother's set of Willow Ware, and though I washed it, I was sort of waiting for my new buffet to arrive before rearranging my china cabinet and putting all of it away. As a result, it was still sitting on my kitchen counter. Not anymore! I put it away last night while dinner was cooking, and I even managed to clean out another of my kitchen cabinets (which I counted as my daily decluttering session). This evening I will move the few small appliances I still have on my counter one by one and scrub that area, and then that will be done too. Next week, I'll do whatever next week's missions are. I'm feeling so good about this already.

The other thing I am majorly proud of is that I completed an outline of one of my stories yesterday. It's not detailed at all, but at least it's done, and now I know what I'm working with. I had no idea where this story was going, much less how it was going to get there, and now that I've sort of figured it out I feel like I can proceed.

Of course, I've got 4-5 other stories in my head that I am also going to attempt to outline before I move on to actual writing, and I'll probably do some character work before the writing anyway. In any case, I feel like I just pushed my way past a block, and man, am I glad!

Tonight is writers' group, and I'll have something to report. Perhaps I will work on another outline during lunch today--it's a thought. If not, I'll try to have all of my outlines (as well as the project plans I was talking about) done by next week.

Day 69

2008-02-06T17:29:00.000-08:00

February 5

Work has been a bit of a flurry lately. This week has been booked solid with project planning, and there's still a ton of work to be done. Ah well, that's the name of the game I suppose. I don't mind though, as I sort of enjoy project planning. I like to see a big picture objective or goal, and then drill down to the individual steps needed to achieve it.

And going through this process in the professional world has given me some ideas for the personal world. In my personal life, as in my job, there are projects I'm working on and goals I want to achieve. To get there I need to lay out all of the components, every step, the obstacles, everything relevant, including my reasons for wanting to achieve those goals.

So a project I'm undertaking over the next few days is writing a project plan for each of my goals. I started and did a little bit of work on them today, but I still have a good way to go. Hopefully I can post them next week. I'm sure they'll change a bit as the year progresses, but they're a good roadmap from here to there, even if I happen to take a different road now and then.

On the writing front, group was moved to Thursday this week, so that will be reported on Friday. I will say that I've been trying to work on some outlines, and I'm not getting very far. Another thing that all of this project planning has helped me to see is that I've been trying to be far too detailed with my outlines and I need to take a step back. Once again, I need to see the big picture before I try to fill in the details. If I need to make a few notes to remind me of the details, so be it, but I don't need to force them at this point.

I'll be working on that a bit this evening, and more tomorrow.

Sewing and hopefully bathroom-finishing this weekend!

Day 68

2008-02-05T17:20:00.000-08:00

February 4

I've been in a weird state of mind lately. I've been exercising and trying to eat healthy (including swearing off fast food for the month of February), and I've been doing a good bit of yoga. I'm feeling pretty good about myself right now. In fact, I think I'll have a glass of milk and a cookie when I'm done with this post, because milk is good for me and there is room in my calorie budget for a cookie.

I also got The SuperFoods Rx Diet and SuperFoods HealthStyle the other day. I read the original book some time ago, and I love the concept of SuperFoods. It makes so much more sense to me to add healthy foods to my diet as opposed to taking away bad things, and I like that it's about getting healthy and not just losing weight. I've started reading Diet (to the exclusion of Gormenghast, which is sad because it's fabulous) and am anxious to start applying some things.

Days 65, 66, and 67

2008-02-04T09:56:00.000-08:00

February 1-3

This weekend was very productive.

Well, I didn't do much of anything, at least not that I remember, on Friday.

Saturday morning I was up early, and had a productive morning. I planned menus for the entire month of February, exercised, cleaned a bit, and went through another stack of magazines. Then I went to my parents' house, and my mom and I played with a new craft set she got (mostly rubber stamps). We also did a bit of shopping, and we picked up a few things at my grandparents' house, including Grandma's set of Willow Ware dishes.

Sunday was the productive day. We didn't do any work in the bathroom, like I had intended, but I got a lot of other random stuff done. I cleaned and reorganized my china cabinet, cleaned the top of my kitchen cabinets, cleaned some in the basement, and took the dining table to the basement so I can have a craft area. Oh, and I did about 8 loads of laundry, and sorted out a bunch of yard sale stuff.

There are still a few things on my To Do list for this week. Either Sam or Dad is coming over one evening to put up the trim in the bathroom, which I will then caulk and paint. Also, I'd really like to touch up and seal at least the grout we have in the bathroom, even if we don't get the closet done. (It's not like we can ever see the closet floor anyway.) And I'd like to clean the extra dresser we have and switch it for the small one in the guest room, so I can take the small one to the basement for craft stuff, along with all of the other craft bins I have. And it would be nice if we could get the mirror up on the other dresser in the spare room, if only because it's just sitting there. And probably most importantly, clean the desk. Oh, how I am dreading that task.

And then there's still reading and sewing I would like to do, and writers' group on Thursday (I really am trying to write!).

So much to do, so little time. I'll get it all done eventually.

However, I did learn that in the month of January I lost 6.2 pounds and 6 inches off my body, so yay me!

Day 64

2008-02-01T09:45:00.000-08:00

January 31

Not a lot happened yesterday. Work was . . . tumultuous, so when I got home I made some spaghetti and had a nice dinner with Husband, then relaxed on the couch to do some more reading. I also skipped my workout yesterday. I'm not too worried though, because I plan to make up for it by working out this evening.

I am getting a good bit of stuff done though, even though it doesn't seem like it. I'm very proud of the way I've been keeping up with my kitchen (I even decluttered more this morning, and brought extra junk food to work for other people to eat so I don't have to stare at it). I really need to crack down on the dining room though, as that is most pertinent at the moment. I'm seriously considering just taking everything off of that desk and starting from scratch, then going through the stuff a little bit at a time. Sitting there on the desk it looks so overwhelming.

In other news, I'm trying to work on my writing more. I think (another, along with not knowing my characters) part of the reason I'm stuck is that I don't know what comes next in the plot, so I'm attempting to spend some time each day doing planning stuff, outlines, character profiles, whatever. Anything to get my brain going again. I'm not even worrying about which story I'm working on, just whichever happens to strike me that day. Just so I'm working on *something.*

Day 63

2008-01-31T05:41:00.000-08:00

January 30

As I suspected, yesterday was a repeat of Tuesday. I didn't manage to read any of Gormenghast though, as I opted to read a book on meditation I got the other day. I was frustrated, and I wasn't feeling well, so I thought I could use a bit of calm. It did help.

I did my workout as soon as I got home, but I had trouble making it all the way through. My head was killing me, and I just felt weak, which I attribute entirely to the fact that I didn't have my afternoon snack yesterday. I skipped my yoga session (we did yoga at work yesterday anyway, so I'm not too bent out of shape about that) and ate some dinner, and then I did feel mostly better.

I also managed to go through a few magazines and toss them out. I didn't even find anything worth clipping. If I can go through just a few each night I'll have that pile gone in no time.

My mom and I are getting together this weekend to do some crafting. I don't know if I'll go over there or if she'll come to my house, but either way works for me. Perhaps I'll ask her to help me with the mosaics for my countertop and dishwasher side panel. I would really like to get that done. I would like her help on a particular type of bag I'm trying to make though, so perhaps we'll do that. We'll see.

Mom and Dad went to visit Pap yesterday. The VA took him to the hospital because he wasn't breathing well and he wouldn't use his oxygen. Mom says there's not much left of him and that he doesn't look good. I think at this point it's only a matter of time.

The thought brings me back to the bit of meditation I did last night. He was talking about breath, and he said something about the ocean, and my mind suddenly made the jump to feeling like my breath was the ocean breaking upon the shore, like I was the ocean, deep and vast and open. I was just sitting on my couch reading and breathing and trying not to think of anything else, and I just started crying. I saw my exhale as the slow break of waves on sand, and my inhale as the receding water. My breath was the ebb and flow of the tide, and I was endless, empty space, fluid and clear.

And it made me think of my grandpa, who will forever be a part of the ocean to me now.

And now I'm crying again, oh joy of joys.

All of this might sound very cheesy, but it was a very emotional moment to me, and apparently it still is. I don't quite know how to interpret it. The ocean to me is a good thing, beautiful and calm, and honestly, whatever I was feeling right then was good. Peaceful. I don't know if I started crying because of Grandpa or for some other reason. I don't even know if it was a happy cry or a sad cry.

I hope I figure it out eventually.

Day 62

2008-01-30T07:11:00.000-08:00

January 29

Yesterday was a reading day for me, and a fairly lazy evening at home alone (Husband was at a basketball game, and will be again tonight). I did my workout as soon as I got home, then I heated up some leftovers and parked myself on the couch with a few books. This evening is likely to be a repeat.

On the health front, I've managed to drop about 5 pounds over the past few weeks. I've been eating much healthier than I used to, focusing on getting in as many fruits and veggies as I can. Also, I've been drinking milk. Crazy, I know, but I'm trying to get calcium while I still can. Even crazier, I've cut back on caffeine. I'm down to one cup of coffee per day, and usually I'll take half a cup of coffee and half a cup of milk. And I'd ordered half decaf for my next shipment of coffee, so that will reduce it even further.

I've been very into yoga lately, which is awesome. I've gone through periods of infatuation with yoga before, and while I do still so love the stretching, this time I'm finding myself more curious about the spiritual/mental side of it. I've been exploring that a bit, and I got a few books I'm working my way through. I'm feeling very calm and peaceful about it, and refreshed after a session rather than worn out.

I think I'm heading back into the low point of my mood cycle though, as I'm getting frustrated at every little thing. Usually I can just blow off the small stuff, and most often even the big stuff, but for the past few days I've just been so aggravated.

Oh well, this too shall pass.

In other news, I seem to be on a major cleaning kick also. Mom bought me a new dining table and buffet to match the china cabinet I got as a wedding present, and it should be delivered in the next few weeks. Our plan is to take our current dining table to the basement for me to use as a craft table (yay!). I'm also thinking of moving a dresser down there to hold my fabric and other crafting supplies, as we have an extra dresser now and no room for them all anyway. Oh yeah, and the extra table we brought up for Christmas dinner that is still sitting in my living room. Ugh.

What this all means is that we need to clean both the basement and the dining room. This weekend I bought a set of shelves and put them up in the basement. I'd had a bunch of small kitchen appliances just sitting at the bottom of the basement steps because we don't have room for them in the kitchen, and now they're all on a shelf, along with some other stuff I cleaned out of our pantry. Well, that's one pile sorted. Now I only need about 8 more shelving units and I'll be all set.

The dining room really isn't that bad, except for my craft stuff and my desk. Ah, my desk. I never, ever sit at this desk. All it does is hold a big pile of stuff. There was a computer set up on it at one point, before I got my beloved laptop, but now it's just a mess. Actually, it was a mess then too. I really should get a filing cabinet in the computer room and just get rid of the desk and all it holds. But you see, that would require the agreement and possibly the help of Husband, and I'm not holding my breath for that.

I think I'm nesting.

Day 61

2008-01-29T08:31:00.000-08:00

January 28

Yesterday wasn't nearly as productive as I would have liked. I didn't do any reading or writing, or even any cleaning (other than cleaning up from dinner). I did, however, finish the bag I started on Sunday, which is why I didn't get around to doing any of that other stuff: it took me until 11:00 to finish the bag! I had no idea it would be so time consuming. It wasn't really that difficult, I guess I was just going slow.

Anyway, I got the bag pattern from this site, and I've been wanting to make it for a while, but I figured it was too complicated for my meager skills. But finally I just decided to go for it, and I love how it turned out. I changed a few small bits, and I didn't really follow the instructions, but I'm very happy with it.

Now I need to learn how to make a matching wallet.

Day 60

2008-01-28T05:58:00.000-08:00

January 27

Yesterday was very productive. I did some major cleaning, even some organizing, which made me feel better about things in general. I even started on some of the mess that is my basement. There's only a small dent now, but it will get larger.

I also did a bit of reading (some other random books too, not only Gormenghast), some exercise, some cooking, some yoga, and I cut out the pieces for a new handbag that I'm very excited about. I'll finish it tonight and post pics tomorrow.

Today is going to be a busy day at work, then at home I have to finish planning meals for the next few weeks, sew the new bag, hopefully write something, and do some more reading. Maybe even more cleaning, who knows. If I just work on the bookshelf or the desk for 15 minutes, I will be a very happy camper.

Days 57, 58, and 59

2008-01-27T05:05:00.000-08:00

January 24, 25, and 26

Progress? Not much. I'm still keeping up with my workouts, and my eating is going all right. Reading Gormenghast very slowly. Haven't made anything in the past few days, and I've barely even cleaned. No writing. Not much of anything, really. I do hope to accomplish something today, I'm just not sure what quite yet.

I am now leading lunchtime yoga sessions at work though. I guess that's good, as it will get me moving during the middle of the day. And I do love yoga. I wish I could take a class. I might have to look for one.

Day 56

2008-01-24T13:55:00.000-08:00

January 23, 2008

I don't know about this.

Yesterday was . . . fairly productive, for a day when I didn't do anything. A small bit of cleaning, a small bit of writing, a small bit of reading, Yourself!Fitness with some yoga, and the 3rd remaking of a handbag for a friend (I'm much happier with it now and won't be redoing it again--mailing it out this weekend).

I feel so much better since I did some writing though. There wasn't much, just a few hundred words that don't even fall into sequence with the story as I have it now (meh . . . oh well), and I did some character development for a different story. I feel like I got past a mental block by writing at all, just by forcing myself to sit there and do it, and it was a great relief.

However, as I was doing character profiles, I realized that part of the problem I'm having with writing is that I don't feel that I know my characters well enough to write them just yet, much less my story. Usually I just ignore that and figure things out as I go along, but with both of the stories I worked on yesterday (and some of the others in my head), I've written enough that not knowing my characters has become a problem, so it's difficult to go forward.

I have this theory about writing that says that in any given situation, there is only one action your character would take. Even if there are multiple possibilities, they have to settle with ONE, so they would have to have some basis for their choice and go with ONE of their options. And if you know your character sufficiently, you should know, or at least be able to reason out, which action they would choose. Well, I don't know them sufficiently, so they end up seeming spastic, and it's just not working.

So what do I do in the meantime? Well, I build my characters, I go back and revise some things I know are wrong, and I keep working on the scenes I do know. That's the best plan I've got.

Day 55

2008-01-23T06:02:00.000-08:00

January 22

There was a bit of emotional wobbling for me yesterday. I'm staying home today to do some pondering, not to mention that I'm still sick and my back is making it hard for me to walk and especially to drive. So today is a mental health day.

Yesterday turned out all right, I guess. I did my Yourself!Fitness workout and some yoga, and after that I felt refreshed and calm. I'm always so glad when I do that. I didn't do a whole lot else though, just some reading (I'm totally in love with Gormenghast, by the way), and I went to bed around 9:30. I was tired.

Today I don't plan on doing much: some menu planning, some writing, some reading, possibly some sewing. Husband has today off also, but he's going to a basketball game in Charleston, leaving around 11, so I'll be alone most of the day, which is great with me. We had a nice breakfast together, and we talked a bit about some things, priorities and such, and all is well there. It's just the personal stuff, the things that are only relevant to me, that I need to work through at this point. I plan to do at least some of that sorting today, in the quiet.

What do I want? Where am I going? Which of these things is more important than the others? I feel like I need to make a firm decision before I can move forward, but nothing is ever firm. And if I choose to nurture all of my goals at once, I need to make sure I'm doing so, or else I'll just end up feeling guilty for neglecting one or more of them.

Day 54

2008-01-22T09:21:00.000-08:00

January 21

Last night was my writers' group meeting, so today's entry is supposed to have something to do with writing, and with my goal of completing a novel this year. Unfortunately, while there are all of these thoughts, ideas, and plot bunnies swirling around in my head, I haven't felt like writing much at all lately. That's sad to me, but right now I just feel like there are so many other things I want to be focusing on. That's not the way to finish a novel though.

My main problem is that I have too many ideas, too many projects, and I can never get going on any one of them, because the others keep popping up and demanding air time in my brain. If they were getting pen time I don't think I'd be so worried about it, because I would actually be seeing some result, but more often than not I simply think about it and write not a word. While I do understand the benefit of the thought process, and I acknowledge that there has to be some time spent thinking before any time is spent writing, it's rather disheartening to have a steady word count of zero. Especially if you're on a deadline, even if it's only one you've set for yourself.

So it makes me wonder, is it really a priority to me right now? Part of me says yes, will always say yes, because that part of me is a writer. But then there's the more tangible part of my life, the observance of what I do with my time and where my thoughts lay most often: my house, my health, my sewing skills.

The truth is, things shift. Priorities change. People grow and bend and revise their previous thoughts and directions. A large part of my current mental conundrum is the fact that I want to have a baby sometime in the future, and that future is getting closer and closer every day. There are things that need to be done before then, things that need to be accomplished, things that I need to do, and my window of opportunity is closing.

I don't mean to say that writing a novel or remodeling my house isn't possible after I have a baby, merely that logic would suggest both of those things are easier without an infant to consider. And of course, I want the best for any child I might have, including a nursery with finished floors and insulation in the walls.

But looking at all of this in the light of impending parenthood makes me reevaluate. Yes, my health is more important, because it affects both me and my child, as well as my ability to carry a child through my pregnancy and to be a good parent after giving birth. Of course I don't have to be supermodel slim, but I need to be as healthy as I possibly can be. And my home is more important, because my child will have to live there, and I don't want to worry about whether the floor is clean enough to crawl on. Of course it doesn't have to be perfect, but it does need to be safe, warm, and clean.

So what do I write? How can I focus my efforts on some imaginary world in my head when there are so many more important things to be done right here in the physical world in front of me? But how can I say which is more important? Which comes first, my body or my soul? How do I draw that line, how do I make that decision? These aspects of myself are competing, and I don't know which to acknowledge at any given moment. Which do I feed?

Days 52, 53, and 54

2008-01-21T05:59:00.000-08:00

January 18, 19, and 20

Still sick, and now my back is all wonky again to boot. It's for good reason this time though: I got a lot accomplished this weekend.

First off, I didn't do much of anything on Friday. I always look at Friday evenings as a rest period, after the busy week and before the busy weekend. I'm okay with that. I think I went to bed around 8:30. Seriously.

Saturday, though, I was up and at 'em early, and I got a ton of stuff done: dishes, cooking (and therefore more dishes), laundry, some cleaning, sorting through old magazines (clipping the bits I wanted to keep and filing them, then throwing the rest out), organizing a couple of shelves in the living room, and--most impressively--the grout in the guest bathroom. Woot!

As it turns out, we're going to need some sort of sealer on the tile, even though the box says we don't, because now we've got sandy stuff all over the floor and if we vacuum it sucks it right up. But that's not a big deal, so we'll seal it. We didn't get to the floor in the closet, so we'll finish that up hopefully this coming weekend and then seal it all at once. Then all that's left is the trim!

As I said, I went through part of one of my stacks of old magazines. Most of these were either Cooking Light or Yoga Journal. Now, I love love love Cooking Light. It's the only magazine I currently subscribe to, and I buy all of their cookbooks. And even though I buy the annual recipe books, I still had all of my old issues. Well, now I'm down a few, as I cut out the recipes I wanted and tossed the rest. And then it was on to Yoga Journal.

The thing about YJ is that I absolutely love it. However, I am not a yogi, I'm not a Buddhist, and I doubt I will ever be as committed to the practice of yoga as any of the people who write for YJ, or perhaps even the people they discuss in the articles. I like it because it gives me some tips for the small amount of yoga I do actually do, because it makes me want to do more yoga (which I really should), and because a fair portion of the articles bring me a sense of peace, of direction, of purpose, of spirituality, and of calm. I read through a few articles on Sunday, and I am very glad I did.

So, Sunday evening, after I completed my regular Yourself!Fitness workout, I added a Meditation Garden (yoga) session. Mmmm . . . yoga.

And I really do love Yourself!Fitness. Not like, love. I've been doing well with it too, and really pushing myself. I still can't keep up with her when she goes into those long sets of jogging, jumping jacks, heel jacks, hops (repeat ad nauseam), but I did manage to keep up with her infinite sets of squat lunges yesterday. I'll keep up with her eventually.

But like I said, today my back is killing me. I think that had more to do with the grout than the exercise, but I'm sure the exercise didn't help.

Moving on, yesterday evening I started reading the Gormenghast novels. I've only read a couple of chapters so far, but I'm enjoying it immensely. I love Peake's imagery, and the language is just swirly enough to delight the senses without bogging down the story. I'm counting this as both a classic and a genre book, as it is a classic in the world of fantasy. Besides, it's three, three, three books in one, so I don't feel bad. And even though it's a hefty chunk of book, I think the reading will go fairly quickly because I'm enjoying it so very much.

And then finally yesterday I made yet another handbag. I know I really should be working on the bags for my friend, but I feel like I have to get all of this other "practice" out of the way before I'm qualified to do it. Does that make sense? Anyway, I made another bag from a pattern, one I've been wanting to make for a while, and even though I didn't follow the pattern exactly, and even though I wish it had pockets and some other type of closure (the pattern had a ribbon closure, but I didn't like it so I skipped that step--I might add a snap later), I think I did a pretty good job on it, and it's my favorite one I've done so far. I didn't put interfacing in the handles like I was supposed to, because I tried it and when I attempted to turn the handles it was so stiff it unstitched (poo!). No big though. And I didn't get the pintucks right, as I tried to be all smooth and make the liner just a bit smaller so it would fit neatly inside, but I didn't get it quite right and that threw the tucks off. Oh well, I still love it.

From Simplicity pattern #4625:

And the lining:

The lining color in those pics is pretty accurate, but the outside looks way more green. I couldn't get the lighting adjusted just right, and the batteries were running out in my camera. The green in the second picture is much closer, but still not quite right.

You can't really tell how big it is from these pics, but it's fairly sizeable. It's about 14 long X 5 wide X 7 deep. It's not huge, but it's big enough to hold all my junk, so that's great.

Anyway, I love this bag, and I'm already using it. Now I just need to make a matching wallet and/or pouchy/thing to hold my important stuff.

Days 49, 50, and 51

2008-01-18T07:27:00.000-08:00

January 15, 16, and 17

My mind is all foggy with the sick, so I'm giving a short and sweet update, with more to come later.

1. I finished The Sound and the Fury. I didn't really think I got it, but then I discussed it with my friend and she assured me that I was mostly right with the thoughts I thought could have been wrong, so I guess I do get it. Meh. The first chapter I was all, "WTF?" Chapter two was, "Dude, what's this guy's problem?" The Jason chapter was, "Get over yourself, you big jerk!" And the last chapter was typical Faulkner and painful to read.

I haven't decided what I'm going to read next. Possibly Gormenghast.

2. I changed the handle on that green stripey bag I posted the other day. It's much better now.

3. I've been doing pretty well with the diet, despite being sick, and I even starting using my Yourself!Fitness again. I really love that program. I remember the last time I used it consistently, it was so motivating seeing my progress at each of the evaluations. Hopefully this time will be a repeat performance, because it's so encouraging, and good for me too!

4. This weekend we will be finishing the grout in the bathroom (yes, it's still on the To Do list), and Husband says he wants to rip up the remainder of the carpet (just the computer room). I also need to start cleaning the dining room and basement in preparation for my new furniture. I say basement because I'm moving our current dining table to the basement and setting up a craft room down there, which means that I can leave my sewing machine set up, but also that I need to do some serious cleaning/organizing.

5. I'll probably do some more craft stuff this weekend too. I might invite Mom to help, or go over to her house. I'm sure this week has been tough for her, she could use a fun activity.

Day 48

2008-01-15T07:20:00.000-08:00

January 14

I'm sick. Bleh. Right now it's only a sore throat and a stuffy head, but I'm sure it will get worse before it gets better. And I'm still exhausted from the weekend. Fun fun.

Anyway, I didn't do any reading or writing last night, but I did finish the bag I was working on, and I think I did a fairly good job.

I used McCall's See & Sew Pattern #4271, bag B. I altered the handle because I didn't have any belting, I wanted a wider handle, and I didn't understand the instructions anyway. Basically I just cut it to the same length as the pattern handle, sewed two strips together, and stuffed them with polyfill. It's a little lumpy, but my stitching was uneven, so at least it's padded and lumpy rather than flimsy and lumpy. I'm not sure if I like the way the handle turned out though. I guess it's sufficient, but . . . meh. I might get friendly with my seam ripper and do something else.

And the lining . . .

I did put in my first ever zippered pocket, and it wasn't too terribly bad. I used the tutorial found at U-handblog, because again I didn't understand the instructions that came with the pattern and the U-handblog tut made much more sense to me. It's not perfectly centered, but it works, and I did a reasonably good job for my first attempt, so I am happy with that.

I didn't even attempt to line up stripes or anything like that, and the fabric was just some I had lying around. I do like the blue denim-looking contrast bits though.

There's supposed to be a snap closure, but I didn't put that in yet. I may or may not in the future, but I was just too tired to do it last night.

Oh yeah, and I learned how to do a very messy slipstitch last night in the process of closing the lining. But all my stitching is very messy, so whatever.

Overall, I think I did a decent job, and for the most part I liked using the pattern. It took out some of the thought process for me, so that made things a little easier, and it's probably the bag that's turned out best for me. Plus I learned a few tricks that I can use in the future, and that's always good.

Still not sure about that handle though.

Days 45, 46, and 47

2008-01-14T06:06:00.000-08:00

January 11, 12, and 13

Friday pretty much sucked. I don't think I did a single relevant thing, because by the time I got home I was too tired and frustrated to do much of anything.

Saturday, however, was semi-productive. I went to my great uncle Joe's funeral Saturday morning, and my mom's best friend died, so it was a depressing day. However, to contradict the depression, my mom and grandma and I went ahead with out pre-scheduled shopping trip. Nothing like a little retail therapy. Mom bought me both the buffet and the table and chairs to go in my dining room, and they should be here in 4-6 weeks. Then we went to the craft store, where we bought fun stuff like pinking shears (hooray!) and Mom got a Bedazzler (which is dorky, but fun and she'll love it). I got some more fabric, including a beautiful velvet-embossed wool remnant I'm itching to turn into something gorgeous and handy. I have ideas. Then that evening I went home and worked a little bit on a bag I'm making for a friend.

Sunday I finished the bag for my friend and cut out the pattern for another bag, one I'm hoping to make for a different friend (I'm doing a trial run right now). My brother came over and helped do a few little things in the bathroom, like put up the window trim and measure for baseboard and install the new outlet we put in. There are a few things we need to get before we can finish things off completely, but it was progress, so that's good. Then yesterday evening I went to Mom's friend's viewing.

I also got a bit more reading done, although I didn't finish the book as I had hoped. I did do well with cooking though, and we had a couple of very yummy meals. I had to switch a few things around on my menu plan due to timing, but that's okay. I'm really liking this cooking thing, especially since I've got it all planned out and don't have to worry to think or make decisions, and I like trying new recipes, so it's all good.

Today I was up early (couldn't sleep), so I work more on a bag. I've got the funeral to go to shortly, and tonight will be more bag-making, more cooking, more reading, and hopefully even some writing.

Days 42, 43, and 44

2008-01-11T05:34:00.000-08:00

January 08-10

This week has been strange. I feel like I haven't stopped moving, haven't stopped doing, but I don't feel like I've gotten much accomplished. I think that's because I've been doing menial, everyday tasks like loading the dishwasher (which I can't really mind just yet), walking the dogs, and taking down the last few Christmas decorations. I guess those things are significant too though, and I have been making some progress.

What goal-related things have I done? Well, I've been walking the dogs and doing some other exercise, plus I've been eating pretty well this week, and even keeping track of it.

I've decided to combine a couple of the stories in my head to make one, more interesting story, and I've worked on that a bit. I've got a decent summary now, along with a timeline, and my next step is an outline, which I hope to do today.

I'm still working on reading The Sound and the Fury. I will say that I finally reached a part where I wanted to keep going, so that's a good sign. Hopefully I can finish it this weekend and move on to my next book, which I haven't decided on yet.

I've been working on sewing a bit. I cut out the pieces for a jersey dress, but I haven't sewn it together yet, and I rescued the zipper from the bag I botched last weekend and cut out pieces to remake it (in a slightly different way). I hope to finish that bag this evening. Plus I received the fabric for a friend's bags and ordered some fabric I've been dying to order.

One thing that isn't on my goal list, but I want to work on anyway, is getting organized. To this end, when I took the Christmas decorations down from the mantel, I didn't put all of the usual clutter back up there. It's a small step, but it's a start.

More importantly--and this also relates to my health goal, I suppose--I planned meals for the rest of the month and did my grocery shopping yesterday. I've been wanting to do things this way for a while, but I finally just stopped thinking about it and actually did it. It was kind of expensive because I had to get all of the small, irregular purchase items as well (condiments, etc.), but oh well, now we have them, even if I am out of money the day after payday. And honestly, it's a relief that I don't have to wonder what's for dinner for at least a few more weeks. I plan to continue planning meals on a monthly basis, but next month I'll use a different set of recipes. I wonder if I could go an entire year without repeating the same meal (barring leftovers, which I plan to use for lunches). That's probably wishful thinking, but I'm sure it's possible. I'm kind of excited about this. Yeah, so what, I'm crazy.

In other news, my great uncle Joe died yesterday. We knew he'd been sick, so it's not really shocking, but it's still next to impossible to see such things as good news. Especially when this has been such a rough few months for my family.

Tomorrow after the funeral, Mom and I are going shopping with my grandma. We've had this planned, and we decided to keep it despite because we could all use a little stress relief. Mom said she is going to buy me the buffet that goes with my china cabinet, we're going to scour the craft store, and we may go look at new cars for Mom.

Sunday I'll be staying home with the dogs with Husband goes to the basketball game. I hope to get some more cleaning done, as well as some sewing, and some reading, and some writing. And if it's not still raining, I'll take the dogs for a nice, long walk.

Day 41 (01.07.08)

2008-01-08T11:39:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was writing group. We had a new person join us, and she will hopefully be joining us again in the future.

I didn't write anything yesterday though. I did do some perhaps more important writing-related stuff, thinking mostly, and I plan to continue momentarily.

My main problem with writing is that I start so many different projects. At the beginning, when an idea is fresh and shiny and new, I'm excited and I want to work on it all the time and I have tons of ideas. But then I get into the meat of it, and I lose the tone, or I don't know what comes next, or I get stuck on a particular word or phrase or sentence and my flow is lost. I intend to go back to it later, but before I find that excitement again I get hit with something entirely different and go off in that direction.

Yes, it's good to get excited about projects, but getting excited about so many different projects means that none of them ever get finished. And then I have all of these little bits of projects going on and I don't know which one to work on. Which one do I want to work on? All of them, of course. Which one is most important to me? Which one will be most publishable? Those questions are open to debate.

But what I did yesterday, and will continue to do today, is to list all of the projects I have going on, including a couple that are only ideas as of yet. I currently have seven, at various stages of completion. It really helped to wrap my mind around what I've got and where I'm going with it.

So far I've listed my project title, status (idea, word count, etc.), percent complete, my sticking point or any problems I'm having with moving forward, and a short summary. That in itself was a very good exercise. Next I want to prioritize those seven projects in the order I would like to work on them (although that is no guarantee that's what I'll actually do, or that the order won't change), and then write at least a short outline. After that, who knows, but I think it will be beneficial to get as much specific detail as I can.

In any case, I consider this progress.

Days 37, 38, 39, 40 (01.03-01.06)

2008-01-07T07:18:00.000-08:00

I didn't realize it had been this long since I updated, so I'll give a quick rundown.

1. I made a dress that doesn't fit, a botched but really good otherwise handbag, and a decent-for-a-first-attempt wallet. I also got some new material and supplies.

2. I now have a working dishwasher in my kitchen, and, thanks to the wonders of modular cabinetry, I also still have my drawers. However, there is not a top on the drawers, nor is there a side panel on the dishwasher. I plan to use my craftiness to whip up something crafty, like mosaic panels.

3. I'm reading The Sound and the Fury, but I'm not getting very far. I keep finding better stuff to do, like clean. I'll get there eventually though, since it's not an incredibly long book.

4. I wrote a little bit more, but not as much as I wanted to. I'm having a hard time finding the tone I want. Well, I know what I want, I just can't seem to get there. Also, tonight is writing group.

That's about it for the past few days. I will try to keep up better with the posting.

Days 35 and 36 (01.01 and 01.02.08)

2008-01-03T13:47:00.000-08:00

I guess I didn't really go over this in my last post, so here's my update: not much happened.

Actually, I wrote a bit, I read a bit, I exercised a bit, and my diet wouldn't be bad if it weren't for the serious amounts of cookies still left in my house (brought some in to work today so I don't have to eat them!).

I can't find my interfacing, and I can't afford to buy the heavier interfacing that I need anyway until next Thursday (egad! that's a whole week!), or I would have made something. Perhaps I'll make something anyway. Pfft.

Tonight: putting away Christmas decorations. This weekend, there shall be a house project. Hopefully installing my dishwasher, but perhaps something else as well.

What's My Motivation Here?

2008-01-02T13:56:00.000-08:00

Today is January 2nd, and that, of course, means New Years Resolutions. I've been thinking about how I've made resolutions before, pretty much ever year, and how I haven't met them. And now here I am, throwing myself into yet another round of resolutions and goal-setting, and I can't help but wonder what's going to make it any different this time. Every year I say, "This time will be different!" and every year I fall short. Every year I pledge to do better, to be better, to reach those goals, and every year I fail.

I think I need a different approach.

Why do I fail? A rather large portion of the time I can attribute my not meeting my goals to procrastination, laziness, and simply not wanting to get off of the couch and do something. There are probably reasons behind that though. Why do I procrastinate? Don't I want to get things done?

I think it's because I get too caught up in the NOW, the instant gratification of staying on the couch, eating the chocolate/potato chips/whatever. I lose track of the larger goal, and I miss out on the satisfaction that comes with seeing the thing done.

However, I honestly think that I've become a good deal better at not procrastinating this year and applying the Do It Now Principle. Not that I'm perfect now, because of course I'm not, but I'm getting better, and that's all I can really ask. And I'm still improving. More importantly, I'm more aware of what I'm doing, and I'm working to correct it. I'm actively trying not to procrastinate as much, and that is bound to help.

Well, that helps with the procrastination/laziness side of things. What about the "losing track of the larger goal" side of things?

There are lots of little ways to keep the big picture in mind: write out lists, post pictures where you see them constantly, have a support group, etc. and I do intend to do some of those things.

I'm collecting entries for what I call my Dream Book, and I will have one section for each of my goals that includes pictures, quotes, songs, whatever I find inspiration in. And I'll put it somewhere prominent and review it often.
A list of goals will go on my frig, in my office, by my bed, as a bookmark, and anywhere else I can think to put it.
I have various support groups for various goals, and I have this blog (among others) to track them all.

But going a step further, I'm going to list out my reasons for wanting to accomplish each of my goals, as well as the benefits I hope to gain from doing so. I might even list out the benefits of not reaching my goals, just so I can see how silly they are and stop wasting my time on that endeavor. There will probably be at least one post devoted to each goal, along with more reasons as I think of them.

For now, I will post this, the first reason that pops into my head for wanting to accomplish each goal.

1. Improve my health: I want a healthy body to support bearing and raising children
2. Improve my finances: I don't want to have to worry about money all the time
3. Work from home: I don't want to answer to someone else for the rest of my life
4. Finish a novel: I want to see at least one of the stories in me through to completion
5. Improve my house: I want to provide a nice home for my family
6. Learn a new skill: I need to be constantly doing new things
7. Read: I love new worlds, new words, new stories, new ideas = new books

I have so many reasons for doing each of these things. It's time I get to work.

Days 33 and 34 (12.30 and 12.31.07)

2008-01-01T05:49:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!

Okay, quick update today on three different topics.

1. Writing
One of my goals for the 400 Days project is to finish a novel. Right now I have one novel written, plus a number of other novels started. The one that is written will need almost entirely rewritten, and I'm sure that once I finish writing any of the others, they will need rewritten too, so this is going to be a pretty big task. The main problem is that I keep going back and forth between which story I want to write, and as a result I work on each of them only occasionally. In this fashion, I'm sure not to ever finish anything, and that's not what I want.

Anyway, I do intend to finish one of these stories. The one I really want to finish is the one I started for NaNoWriMo this year, because some version of that story has been in my head for a couple of years now, and it's the type of story I want to be writing. I don't think I'm doing a very good job of it, especially since some of my ideas of the characters and the entire story have changed since I started, so I'm going to need to do some major rewriting, but that's okay. As I'm going through now, I can go back and note things that need changed in the beginning, and once I get to the end I'll have a better idea of what I need to do.

So this month my plan is to write something--anything--every single day. It doesn't matter how long, and it doesn't matter what it's about or what story it relates to, but I have to write something. The purpose of this is to get back into the writing habit. Once I start writing every day, it's so much easier just to keep going.

2. Work
On Saturday I got to speak with an accountant friend of mine concerning starting the business with my friends. It doesn't seem like it's going to be as difficult as I expected, so that's good. Also, now I have an idea of what I need to do first and how to go about things. That's good too. Direction is the one thing I lack the most (or more technically, I have such an overabundance of direction that I can never settle on just one--just like with my writing), so now that I know where I need to go, I can actually work on getting there.

3. Skill
I made another bag yesterday. I've been wanting to make a bag out of this vintage material that I found in my grandmother's stash. I also have material just like this but in a different color, so I'll probably make a similar bag at some point.

Three things about this bag: I couldn't find my interfacing, and it's not very stiff anyway, so this bag has none. It stands up fairly well nonetheless. Also, I didn't put any sort of closing mechanism on it, but I probably will, perhaps a button or just a loop. And there aren't any pockets, because quite frankly I forgot. Third, this is the first time I've made a gusset. It worked, so I'm happy. I tried to follow a pattern, but first it was bigger than I wanted, so I just cut out pieces the size and shape I wanted and decided to basically follow the instructions. As it turned out, the instructions were basically just "Sew pieces together," so that didn't help at all and I had to wing it. I don't think I did too badly though. My stitching sucks, but I think it's getting better, and I don't care because I really like the way this bag turned out.

Okay, so I guess that wasn't that quick of an update. I had a lot to say.

Days 31 and 32 (12.28 and 12.29.07)

2007-12-30T14:38:00.000-08:00

My back is bothering me again, and I haven't gotten nearly as much done this weekend as I would have liked. However, I have two days yet, and I did do a few things, so not all is lost.

A little earlier today I finished Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell. I rather liked it. I can tell I like a book when, when I finish, I seem to speak to myself in the same manner of the writing of the book, and I say to myself, "I want to write something like that." Well, yes, and yes.

I'd heard mixed reviews about this particular book, so I wasn't sure exactly what to expect. The people I typically hear book reviews from are rather discerning readers and generally enjoy the same types of stories that I do, so I hold their opinions in high esteem. On this particular novel I heard that it was both absolutely wonderful and that it dragged in the middle and got boring. Of course, I having heard such contradictory views of it, I had to read it for myself (not to mention that it is just the type of story I love).

As I had heard from pretty much everyone, the beginning of the book is fantastic. I was immediately drawn into the story, questioning different bits that happened and making my own guesses as to what was to come (none of which proved to be correct, as is usually the case with me--I'm terrible at guessing plots [which, incidentally, may have something to do with why I am so bad at coming up with them on my own]). The language Ms. Clarke uses is of the period, and it was just flowery enough to delight the pleonast in me without being dull and superfluous. In addition, there was an entire history playing itself out in the footnotes. While I usually find footnotes distracting and unnecessary (though I cannot for the life of me ignore them), these were interesting and occasionally humorous, and they created an entire world for a story which otherwise could have seemed one-dimensional and overdone.

Once I got to the middle, however, the story seemed slow and drawn out and rather wandering, as I had heard from about half the contingent of reviewers. Part of me feels that this is because I was reading at a slow pace--only a chapter or two per evening, whereas I'm used to sitting down and devouring an entire book over a day or two. While reading, there were entire sections of the story that felt completely beside the point. I was still enjoying the writing and the characters, but I was longing to get to the point.

Over the end I am of two minds. On the one hand, it wrapped up every little thing that had been mentioned, and all of the middle details I had found pointless at the time were suddenly important pieces of a great puzzle. I love it when everything, even seemingly random and useless bits come together in moments of brilliant revelation, and there is hardly anything in reading that gives me greater pleasure. On the other hand, I found the ending to be sudden and a little unsatisfying. I'm not one for chapters and chapters after the climax of the story, but I could have done with a bit more than there was. And considering the amount of footnotes the story had, one or two small notes on what came afterward surely could not have made a difference.

The one thing that bothers me most about the book is this: throughout the footnotes, there are references to correspondences between various people and book that were written concerning the events after the fact. At least one of these footnotes refers to correspondence between two people (Mr. Strange and Mr. Segundus) during the time the events of the book take place, but I don't recall the two people ever having contact before that point, and the correspondence seems of a rather close nature. Perhaps I missed something, or perhaps something was left out, but it seemed odd to me.

Overall, I enjoyed the book. I think it could have been perhaps a couple of hundred pages shorter with not much of anything lost, but as it stands I enjoyed nearly the entire read. The characters were well-crafted, the story was not drowned in description (as it very well could have been, had Ms. Clarke been a less careful author), and it's one of the better novels I have read.

4/5

On a different note, I have been sewing quite a bit. For some reason I've been taken with the notion of sewing clothes as well as bags, even though I'm considerably worse at it. I investigated two fabric shops nearby that I've been meaning to investigate, and I found some dupioni silk remnants for $1.99 a yard! I was so excited, and they had them in the prettiest shades of blue and gold, so I snatched them up, along with this other greenish-blue fabric that I love but have not the foggiest idea what I'm going to do with.

Also, one of the shops gives classes! I signed up for their newsletter and mailing list and so forth, and she's checking on ordering me more bobbins for my sewing machine (as I seem to have about 4382973 bobbins, but only 4-5 fit my machine). She says they're about to schedule their next round of classes, and I'm planning on signing up. I think she said it's a beginning quilters class they'll offer next, and that's completely awesome with me. They had some of the prettiest fabrics there too, and I'm very excited. If it fits into her schedule, I'm going to see if Mom will take the class with me. That would be fun.

Anyway, I bought the dupioni silk, and now I'm completely taken with the idea of making either a dress or just a skirt out of one or both colors, but at the moment I'm completely horrid at making clothes and can't get anything to fit. And there's not quite enough of either fabric to make something completely out of one color, so I'm going to have to find some random way to put them together, or use panels of different sizes, or something. I used some old fabric I had to try to figure out a pattern, but I tried two different styles and both attempts failed. Well, neither one was too bad, I just made stupid mistakes on both of them that made them not turn out right, and the fabric type wasn't right for either. On the plus side, I did learn how to add a zipper and change the presser foot on my machine (neither of which was incredibly difficult), so I suppose that is good.

And this weekend hasn't been all failed attempts and talking and not doing. I did complete one bag yesterday morning:

My mom gave me that material a few weeks ago, and I fell in love with it. It's pre-quilted, and I only had a tiny little bit of it, but I knew I just had to make a tote bag out of it. The pockets were a big pain, I made the handles too wide, and I messed up the corners and had to fix it, so it's a little narrower as I intended, but oh well. I still like it, and I wish it was fall so I could use it. I might anyway. I think at some point I'll have to add a button or snap or tie thingy or something to hold it closed, but for now, I really like it.

Also, I need some thicker interfacing.

Other things I made but haven't shown pictures of yet:

Boris's pillow cover:

And the tissue cozies I gave out at Christmas:

I had some other stuff to talk about, but I think this post is plenty long, so I'll leave something to talk about tomorrow.

Day 30 (12.27.07)

2007-12-28T06:58:00.000-08:00

Thirty days of this already? I think every 50 days I'm going to review what I've accomplished so far. I was going to do it today, but 30 days isn't really a whole lot of time, and it doesn't divide evenly into 400, so I'll wait.

So yesterday was pretty good. My diet was considerably better than in recent days, and today is shaping up pretty well. If we didn't have any cookies, it would be better still, but that will come soon enough. And we took the dogs for another walk, even taking the long route this time and jogging for a couple of stretches. I almost talked myself out of going for a walk, but as soon as I got home I changed into my active clothes and put on my tennis shoes, not giving myself the opportunity to back out. That's the secret right there: don't let myself back out. I can do it, I know I can.

Also yesterday, our dishwasher was delivered. It's not installed yet, but it will be soon enough, because I absolutely refuse to let it set in the box in the middle of my dining room for very long, even if that means I have to install the thing myself. Hey, I could do it if I had to. I'm pretty good at following instructions.

I used the time I had while waiting for the dishwasher to be delivered wisely yesterday (well, I think it was wise) and put away the china and cleaned a bit. I also read more of my book. At this point I just want to be done with it, because it's very long and the middle does seem to be dragging a bit (as I had heard it did), so I think I will make a point of finishing it this weekend.

Husband is going to a sporting event tomorrow, so I will use the day to do some cleaning and to make some bags. In the morning I need to get my tires rotated, then perhaps lunch with my accountant friend, then bag-making, then reading. That's the master plan.

On Sunday we are going to finish the floor in the guest bathroom, and my brother volunteered to help me with the trim at some point (whenever he has the chance to come over and take some measurements--apparently they've got company this weekend though). My parents may stop over some time this weekend, and if they do, I'll have them help me install the dishwasher.

So that's the update on my current situation.

On a slightly different note, I've decided that I really need to organize my house a bit. Granted, it's not unbelievably bad, but I know it could be so much better, and it stresses me knowing that it's not. So I'm going to take a hint from FLYLady and start decluttering 15 minutes at a time. I've already got my kitchen sink shined, and I'm doing pretty well keeping up with it (I can only expect it to get better once the dishwasher is installed), so my first project is going to be the bookshelves in the living room. I've got the mantel cleaned off, or will once I put my nutcrackers away, so I figure that's a good place to start. I don't want to put back as much as we had up there before. I want to get rid of the junk and only keep what I absolutely love, so that's the master plan.

Also, Husband and I decided that our next major house project is going to be the dining room. The reason for this is that we have dogs, and we would like for our yard to be fenced. Now, that may seem like a non sequitor, but if we fence the yard we'll still have to walk all the way around the garage to get the dogs into the yard, which would partially defeat the purpose of having a fence. So we're putting some sort of door in the dining room, probably with only a small landing and some steps on the outside (until we get around to building a deck). We'll also have to redo the drywall, or more technically, replace the old, cracking plaster board with drywall, redo the trim, and refinish the floors. And there's a decorative thing I want to do to the ceiling, but that only requires painting, adding a few boards, and getting a new light fixture, so that's not too incredibly bad.

Think we can have all of that done in a year? Keep your fingers crossed for us.

Day 29 (12.26.07)

2007-12-27T03:54:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was pretty uneventful. I didn't get everything that I would have liked, but that should come as a shock to no one.

I did, however, go for a walk. Out of all the goals I have, improving my health is probably the most important. I threw my back out of whack last weekend (it's mostly better now), and that always makes me focus on my health.

The thing is, I know that my back is helped immensely by the simple act of walking. In 2004 I lost about 40 pounds, and the only thing I did was cut back on my food and walk on the treadmill every single day. Well, I don't have a treadmill now, but I do have a better place to walk outside, and I have two rambunctious dogs and a husband who need exercise as well. If I get into the habit of walking, everything will be so much better. When I exercise, I want to eat better, I want to drink more water, and I want to do more exercise. I know that to be true. I just need to do it.

In other news, I read some more of Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell last night. I'm more than half way through now, and I hope to finish it this weekend.

I also bought more stocks yesterday. A very small amount, but every little bit helps. I'm almost to the point of breaking even (from my account fees) for the year. I keep thinking to myself that I'm not making very much, that I'm not even earning back the small amount I've been charged for the account, but I don't have very much money in there yet. I think even if I had a few hundred more dollars there, I'd be making plenty to cover it. I am making a decent percentage on the investments I've chosen, and that is the important part.

Days 26, 27, and 28 (12.23, 12.24, and 12.25.07)

2007-12-26T14:03:00.000-08:00

Whew!

Well, Christmas is over. Way too much food was eaten, but at least all of the dishes are done now.

Nothing much productive happened over the past couple of days, at least not in relation to my goals for the year. I should be working on something useful tonight though. Included in the plan are walking the dogs, eating something healthy, and maybe even sewing (I've got 4 bags to do at the moment) or reading. And then tomorrow we're getting our dishwasher. Yay!

In other words, I may have something to report tomorrow.

Day 25 (12.22.07)

2007-12-22T19:36:00.000-08:00

Today, it was productive.

I got a slight bit of cleaning done, but no cooking. More importantly, I *finished* my Christmas shopping, although I could still use some brussel sprouts (they're not absolutely necessary, just a "like to have"). Cooking will start tomorrow, with ham, pumpkin pudding, cranberry sauce, banana nut bread, and some other prep tasks. Cleaning is the main thing scheduled for tomorrow, and I'm going to bed soon so I can start early.

Also today, I sewed up a bunch of tissue cozies to hand out as "party favors" on Christmas Eve. I hope my guests like them, I think I'll just let them pick which one they want. I was going to take a picture of them, but the batteries in the camera are dead and are recharging. I will take a pic tomorrow. I also made a dog bed for Boris, which I did take a pic of, but, you know, dead batteries. I hope he likes it.

In the sewing process (well, technically in the cutting process), I managed to slice my left index finger wide open. Ow. It actually doesn't hurt that much, but it's rather hard to type.

Well, I'm falling asleep now, and I think that's all I have to report. Happy second day of winter.

Days 22, 23, and 24

2007-12-21T11:39:00.000-08:00

I haven't been keeping up with much of anything this week. Being down in the back means I don't get much accomplished.

The puppy-training is coming along quite nicely. We got him neutered yesterday, so that's taken care of. He's already learned to sit, he's doing pretty well with house-breaking, and he even knows his name (Boris).

Today I have to finish up my Christmas shopping, then go to a Christmas party at my grandfather's nursing home. After that, grocery shopping! I still have to get everything for Christmas dinner. That's fine, because I actually love grocery shopping. It would be nicer if it wasn't absolutely packed, but I can't go asking for miracles.

At least I got the menu figured out. I talked to Mom and Grandma yesterday and figured out what they are bringing, plus K says she's bringing some other stuff, so I think we'll be fine. We won't go hungry, at least.

After I get home, I need to do some sewing. I have a few small Christmas presents to wrap up, plus I want to make a washable cover for a puppy bed. I have the material, and it's both projects are really easy, I just need to sit down and do them.

I've been reading more of Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell, and I like it so far. Hopefully I'll get a good bit more read this weekend. My plan is to work hard all day, then relax in the evening, because if I don't have time to relax I just go crazy, and that won't do. I hate getting all stressed out about holidays, because to me that's just defeating the purpose.

Also, today I've been reading a bunch of heart-warming news stories: random acts of kindness, injured children getting the help they need, etc. It's almost made me cry a number of times, but it's also made me want to do something of the sort. That's what Christmas is about, isn't it? Being kind to your fellow man, spreading good cheer, making someone's day/season/life just a little bit brighter. Bad back or not, I feel especially blessed.

Every year I listen to John Denver and the Muppets A Christmas Together repeatedly, because I simply love every song on it, and one song in particular has been sticking with me this year, "The Christmas Wish":

I don't know if you believe in Christmas
Or if you have presents underneath a Christmas tree
But if you believe in love
That will be more than enough
For you to come and celebrate with me
For I have held the precious gift that love brings
Even though I never saw a Christmas star
I know there is a light I have felt it burn inside
And I have seen it shining from afar
Christmas is the time to come together
A time to put all differences aside
And I reach out my hand to the family of man
To share the joy I feel at Christmas time
For the truth that binds us all together
I would like to say a simple prayer
That at this special time you will have true peace of mind
And joy to last throughout the coming year
And if you believe in love that will be more than enough
For peace to last throughout the coming year
And peace will last throughout the year.

Days 20 and 21 (12.17 and 12.18.07)

2007-12-19T07:05:00.000-08:00

News of the day: ow.

Somehow I managed to throw my back out on Sunday. Yesterday it seemed like it was getting better, but this morning I can hardly move. Considering that I still have shopping to do, and wrapping, and cleaning, and cooking, this is most certainly not a good thing.

Oh yeah, and we got a puppy. Housetraining fun, weeeee!

In other words, I haven't gotten much of anything accomplished. I haven't even read any more of my book, or written a single word, or stitched two pieces of cloth together. Nada.

Hopefully I'll be feeling better by Friday so I can get things done, and I'll probably ask Mom to come help me get ready for dinner on Monday, because I'm just not sure I can do it on my own.

*sigh*

The one good thing about throwing my back out is that it makes me want to be healthier. I know that exercising helps my back, and losing weight would help also, and right now I want to do anything and everything I can to prevent this from happening again. I'm seriously thinking of buying a treadmill fairly soon, because walking is just about the best thing I can do, and if I have a treadmill I don't have *any* excuses not to do it.

The last time I lost weight I was walking on the treadmill almost exclusively. Plus I want to jog eventually, and I have to be able to walk first. Maybe I'll even put the dogs on it.

Hey, it could work.

Days 17, 18, and 19 (12.14, 12.15, and 12.16.07)

2007-12-16T14:37:00.000-08:00

I'm in a rather odd mood today, and I can't quite say what it is. It's been with me all weekend.

I hardly recall what I've done. I ate a ton of food--father-in-law took us to dinner on Friday, husband took me to breakfast Saturday morning, big fancy party dinner Saturday night, and leftovers all day today. Most of what I had was surprisingly healthy though, so there is that.

And I did sign up for my 401k at work, so there is that too.

Today was spent cleaning and putting up a few more decorations. Still not as much of either as I should have done, but I suppose the day is not over yet. I've spent the past few hours on my newly-disguised couch reading Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell, and that is the most exciting thing to happen to me today. I've just made it through Volume I and am taking a break before heading into Volume II.

I go through these phases, and I'll get very excited and motivated about one thing or another and want to work toward it every minute. Sometimes my phases last a few days, more often they last a few minutes. I don't know what phase I'm in right now. A few of them, I think. Some of them overlap, some are in complete opposition to one another, and they're all competing for space in my brain and time in my life. None of them are winning.

Part of me says that I am creating an obstacle for myself in having more than one goal at any given time, and the fact that I feel I'm not making any progress in any area is proof of that. Focus is key to achieving your goals, and I lack nothing so much as focus.

But I've always known that I lack focus, or at least the sort of focus required to concentrate on any one thing for an extended period of time. A lot of people will say about me that I am focused and that I get things done (both of which I cannot force myself to agree with), but they are merely seeing one single aspect of my personality and my life, and what I want and allow them to see. I absolutely cannot accomplish anything if I don't allow my mind to wander onto things other than the goal at hand. I get bored so easily, and if there is not something new or different to entice me, I'll lose interest altogether and never finish.

So where does this leave me? For now, I've no idea.

Day 16 (12.13.07)

2007-12-14T06:17:00.000-08:00

We're having problems with our home internet once again. Bugger.

Oh well. Once again, the lack of internet allowed us to get some things done. Namely, more of the bathroom.

Last night we installed the shower curtain rod and hung the medicine cabinet. The curtain rod isn't just one of those springy sizeable ones, either. We got one of the curved ones because they rock (we have one in our main bath too), and they have to be mounted to the wall in special brackets, so it was a little more labor-intensive than twist-stretch-wedge-done. In fact, it as too long for out tub (stupid non-standard sized bathroom!), so we had to cut the ends and do all sorts of crap to make it fit, but we did it, and now it's done. Yay!

The medicine cabinet wasn't too hard. It's a little big, and it blocks some of the light, but it's not really a problem so who cares? It looks good, and now it's done.

We did take pictures, but due to the internet being out at home, I didn't get to upload them, so I figure I'll just post pics when it's completely done.

All that's left is to finish grouting the tile, which should happen this weekend, install the baseboard and trim, and refinish the doors. I have absolutely no idea how that is going to work--we may just end up with ugly doors for a while, until we can replace them, but I'd prefer to have brushed nickel hinges anyway instead of the dingy brass ones we've got now. (It all needs to match, you know.)

But aside from those few things, all it really needs is a good cleaning, and then it's set to use. So, yay! New bathroom!

Days 14 and 15 (12.11 and 12.12.07)

2007-12-12T16:42:00.000-08:00

Hmm, accomplishments.

Yesterday I started reading Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell. It's decent so far, but I'm not long into it. I'll read more after I'm done posting. If I recall, that's about all I managed to accomplish yesterday.

Today I finished the handbag I started over the weekend. I did a crap job, but it's still cute.

You can really tell what this picture is, but it's pockets on the inside of the bag.

Someone please remind me not to work with velour anymore. It's not fun.

On a related note (related to sewing, not to velour being no fun), my mom gave me my grandmother's rotary mat and wheel, so yay! I really should not be trusted with scissors.

On an unrelated note, my grandfather went into a resting home today, or at least that was the plan last I heard. Dad took him over yesterday to check it out, and apparently he didn't want to leave (he was having too much fun flirting with the nurses). I guess that's a good thing. It's still pretty weird.

And I got my Christmas cards sent out.

Wow. Thrilling.

Day 13 (12.10.07)

2007-12-11T07:27:00.000-08:00

Today is Tuesday, which means that it is my day to write about my goal of finishing a novel. Well guess what?

I actually wrote something last night! (Shocking, I know.)

It's only about 850 words, and I didn't even finish the scene, but it felt good to write. It wasn't even that tough, it wasn't a stretch; it just came, and that is how I like my writing. I even learned a bit about my characters, which is always a plus.

Not much in the way of other news. I picked up the mirror and more grout for the bathroom, a new book on sewing, a seam ripper and some more fabric. I have no money to save from this paycheck (this one was short because of the time I took off when Grandma died). At least my stocks are doing well.

My life, it is thrilling.

Days 11 and 12 (12.08 and 12.09.07)

2007-12-10T03:47:00.000-08:00

I did intend to post this weekend, and I would have too, if it wasn't for those pesky ISPs having problems. I didn't have access all weekend.

It really was for the best though, as I managed to get a LOT done, even some relating to my goals.

On Saturday I went Christmas shopping with my mom. I didn't have any money, so I just hung out with her and made recommendations on things for her to buy. I did get some towels for the new bathroom (finally!), a handbag pattern, and some fabric from the remnant bin, so it wasn't a complete loss of a day. Plus I really like hanging out with my mom.

Also on Saturday we made out all of our Christmas cards. I didn't do personal notes, because that would have driven me crazy and I'd still be sitting there writing them (so many!), but I did get Steve to help with his side of the bunch, which is more than I expected. There were a few more Christmas decorations put up, and I found my tree skirt, so that was a success.

And, I finished reading Heart of Darkness. I've come to the conclusion that Joseph Conrad writes a bit like I do (or, time being considered, that I write a bit like he does). Not in subject matter, obviously, but in that he uses pretty words and tries to set the tone with his style and syntax, and it's all tied together very nicely, but I didn't feel that he explained or described some things quite enough. For example, he kept talking about Kurtz' voice and how it was so powerful and spellbinding and whatnot, but I never really got why. I've had those sort of comments about my writing many a time.

Perhaps I should keep that in mind when I actually make it back around to writing something.

On to Sunday! On Sunday we got a load of stuff done, including about 8 loads on laundry, 4 loads of dishes (no, I didn't have this many dirty dishes--I just kept using more of them), cleaning the house, caulking the bathtub, grouting the bathroom floor (it's not finished though, as I ran out of grout), and making yet another handbag. No pics of this handbag though, as I messed it up. I don't think my machine likes to work with crushed velvet, and on a related note, neither do I. I probably just had it on the wrong setting, but whatever it was, it didn't work, and now I need a seam ripper.

And then our internet came back on last night and I managed to put an ad up on Craigslist for our writing group.

All in all, a successful weekend.

Next on the docket: finish grouting the bathroom, hang the mirror, and install the shower curtain; read Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norell by Susanna Clarke; rework my latest handbag and do some market research; write something--anything.

One step at a time, eh?

Day 10 (12.07.07)

2007-12-08T05:25:00.000-08:00

I said I might change topics for Friday, but I guess I was wrong. :D

No, I didn't make another bag, but I did talk about it a good bit. Here's the thing: a couple of my friends wants to make handbag-making into a business, and I'm all for that. I do want to work at home, and I do want to use some sort of creativity in my work, and I do so love creating cute things.

So yeah, we got a little excited. We came up with a brand name and labels, even our marketing scheme and slogan. But we also tried to be realistic about it and boil it down to a series of steps we will have to take in order to make it happen, starting with honing our sewing skills and going straight through building a line and an inventory, creating a website, and taking orders.

We know this isn't going to happen tomorrow. We've set a time frame of next Christmas shopping season for our brand launch, and we have some marketing going on before then. This is going to be a lot of work, but I think that if we put our hearts into it, we can make it happen.

My mom and I are going shopping today, and we're going to stop by a fabric store. I'm also doing a little bit of research concerning what people like and what they find useful as far as bags go. You've got to start somewhere, but starting is the most important step.

Day 9 (12.06.07)

2007-12-06T19:05:00.000-08:00

Today completely sucked.

So I came home and made another bag. Does that make it not a complete toss of a day?

No tutorial this time, because I did pretty much the same thing as the first bag I made with only a few small changes, and I actually did a slightly better job (i.e. I avoided all the mistakes I made the first time around).

This bag is pretty big, as you can tell. I think I'll have to make a smaller one next time, perhaps lunch sack-sized. Now, to find more cute fabric!

In other news: there is no other news. I'll attempt to change my topic tomorrow. It's Friday, that should help.

Days 7 and 8 (12-04 and 12-05-07)

2007-12-05T19:37:00.000-08:00

Tuesday and Wednesday were rather similar, with the exception of today's snowstorm. I've been rather productive though, and that always feels good.

The one thing I feel the most proud about is that I've been working on my new skill of sewing, and just now I completed my first project. It took me a lot longer than I planned (for reasons I'll explain below), but it's done now, and it turned out better than I expected.

I made a tote bag.

Now, I realize that in the grand scheme of things, tote bags are fairly simple to make, but this is my first one, and I'm really not that good at sewing at this point, and it's probably the most well done thing I've ever sewn. Best of all, I did it all by myself. Sure, I looked up a few patterns online and got some ideas, but I didn't follow a specific set of instructions, I didn't keep referring back to a pattern/guide, and it still turned out not only recognizable but usable.

This bag is going to be used for carrying my groceries and cutting down on those cheapo plastic bags you get everywhere you go.

I'm posting the process I went through, partially as a tutorial for anyone who might want to do something similar, but mostly just to show my process. This is pretty long and image-heavy, and I've never written a tutorial before, so this may be completely un-understandable. If you have a questions about how I did something, please let me know and I'll do my best to answer.

For anyone wondering, I found the main fabric in the remnant bin at WalMart for $3. The others came from my grandma's sewing collection.

I started out with the intention of making a grocery-style bag based on said grocery-bag. So I cut off the fused ends, spread out the gusset (I think that's the right term there), cut it in half, and tossed the extra piece.
But then I decided that I wanted different handles, so I cut those off. And I decided I wanted it to be a little wider, so I extended the fabric beyond the width of the grocery bag, rendering the first part of what I did essentially useless.

Anyway, I cut out two main pieces in the size and shape I decided on, plus two pieces of the white lining.

Then I had these long strips left over, so I decided to use them for handles and cut four of those to the same length. How convenient, huh?

At that point I was just left with this little square, so I decided I would turn it into a pocket. This is folded in half, so I didn't use a lining for this piece.
I hemmed all the edges of the pocket square to make it all nice and neat.

Next I sewed the piece of white lining onto the main pieces of material at the top, like so:

Next I added the pocket to the front panel. (If you can spot the problem at this point, you're smarter than I am, or at least, smarter than I was.)

And then, because I like to jump around, I went to work on the handles. First I folded one side in and sewed it.

Then I pinned the other edge in place.
I folded the sewn edge over the pinned edge, measured for even width and pinned in place, and sewed again down both sides of the length of the handle. There's a little flap, but I don't really care.

At this point I didn't know exactly how I was going to do the handles or how long I needed them to be, so I left them long and decided to figure that part out later.

I ended Tuesday night, after fighting with my machine for about half an hour, with all four handles made.

Wednesday I decided I needed a different lining, as I realized the problem I mentioned earlier: I had sewn my pocket to my lining, and therefore could not turn it inside out to sew the lining. Poo. Oh well, I had this pink fabric I was considering using for a lining anyway, so I cut out two pieces of the pink for lining.

I missed taking a picture of sewing the handles on, so I'll just explain.

First, obviously, I figured out how I was going to sew them on, then cut them down to about 27 inches. I sewed the handles directly to the outsides of the bag, covering the edges of the pocket on the front. I even did the little cross-hatch thingy to reinforce at the top and bottom of each strap, even if I did do it very badly (my last one was much better than my first, of which this is a picture of).

This is what I ended up with:

And here I ran into problem #2: I didn't leave enough room at the top to sew the lining in. *sigh* But did I let that stop me? No way! I used the nice selvage edge and just sewed it right over the hem I had already created when I sewed in the first lining and didn't worry about the little flap. I know that isn't the best way to do things, but that's the way it is.

From there I placed the right sides of the main fabric together, flipped the pink lining out, and pinned in place rather badly. Then I sewed around the edges of the whole thing, leaving a hole in the bottom of the pink lining so I could turn it right side out again.

When I was done with that, I trimmed my corners so they would flip in neatly (sorry this pic is so overexposed).

I also trimmed off extra fabric around the edges that was caused by my extreme unevenness in cutting and sewing and ended up with a big pile of scrap.

Finally I pulled the bag through the hole I left in the lining and sewed the lining shut.
With that done, I tucked it back in and ended up with this:

Now all that was left to do was sew the handles together. I accomplished this by overlapping the ends, folding the entire overlap, and sewing along both edges of the overlap.

And that was it! I ended up with this, my new reusable grocery bag (look at me, saving the environment!):

It's not perfect by any means, it took me an insane amount of time (5 hours or so total), and who knows how well it will hold up to a load of groceries, but I did learn a lot in the process, and that's the important part. And I think it's cute, so I'll definitely be using it the next time I go to the grocery store (i.e. as soon as this snow lets up).

Learn a New Skill tally: 1

Day 6 (12.03.07)

2007-12-04T04:09:00.000-08:00

I think this will work a little better if I write about a particular day after it's over, i.e. the next day, since at that point I will know how well I did. Makes sense, no?

So, Mondays, I believe, will be my Writing Days, which means I will write about writing on Tuesdays. I have a writers' group meeting every other Monday, and that's usually the day I think most about it (even if I don't typically get a lot of writing done that day), so I'm just going to go with it.

Last night we had a very productive meeting. We're looking for a few new members, and we came up with a game plan for that, as well as ads to post online and in the local paper. (If anyone is looking for a writing group in Morgantown, WV, let me know.)

Also, we brainstormed on what was supposed to be my NaNoWriMo novel this year. I didn't finish it in the month of November--only got to around 25K--but I have a good start now, and the story is still in my head. November was a rough month for me, and I was having problems with the story, but I think I've finally worked past my main sticking point and I want to write again.

While I still want to write something of my novel every single day, I'm no longer aiming for the breakneck pace of 1,667 words per day; I've lowered my goal to a much easier 500, the reason being that 500 is easy to crank out, so I'll still be making progress and I won't feel so frustrated for falling behind on my word count.

And just for the record, I've been using yWriter3 as my writing software, and I absolutely love it. There's a yWriter4 out now that I haven't tried yet, but that will probably happen sometime soon. I never thought writing software could be useful, but it's FREE, so I thought I'd give it a shot, and I'm so glad I did.

So I guess that's progress, or at least the starting point. This evening I'm going to sit down on my couch and write today's 500 words, and then I'll go from there.

Days 4 and 5

2007-12-02T05:24:00.000-08:00

Not much of anything was done towards my goals on Day 4. I was rushing around to see family, then rushing around to get ready, then freezing my butt off watching WVU get defeated by Pitt (*sigh*). I didn't even read any of my book. The closest I got to working on a goal was bringing home some of my grandma's sewing supplies, as that is the skill I'm apparently seeking to learn.

But today will be different. On the docket for today: cleaning the house, caulking the new bathtub, and putting up Christmas decorations.

I took my measurements this morning. I try to take them on the first of the month, but somehow that never seems to work out, so it's more usually the second or third or fourth. My measurements weren't pretty, but at least I've got a starting point now.

I woke up thinking about how fat I am. Not in an "Oh my gosh, I'm so fat" sort of way, just in an "I really need to do something about my weight" sort of way. I've realized, yet again, that I have circulatory problems. The last time I had it checked--about 2 years ago--I had slightly elevated cholesterol. Not incredibly high, but high enough to make me want to bring it down. (The rest of my results are decent.) So even though this past week was rough on me and my diet, at this point it's just that: past.

It's time to start anew. And that's what this is all about.

Days 2 and 3

2007-11-30T04:15:00.000-08:00

Only two days in and I'm already slacking. I think that might be a record.

Actually, I was going to post something last night, but I couldn't figure out how anything I had to say would relate to my little project. And now I'm up--have been up for a couple of hours already (dreading the day to come and therefore unable to sleep)--and I've got something.

I always say that to get to wherever it is you want to go, you've got to take a small step first. If you don't know how to get there, follow the trail backwards until you get to something you can do right now. If I want to run a vast handbag empire with stores all around the world and people paying hundreds, nay, thousands of dollars for my bags, the first thing I need to do is learn how to design and sew a handbag. Well, I've got a sewing machine, and I've got some scrap fabric, and there's my starting point.

Not that that's what I want out of life, but you get the idea. If I want to lose weight, I should probably start with putting down the cheeseburger. If I want to save money, I should probably stop surfing eBay so much. Etc.

So yesterday I did manage to take a few small steps. I didn't exercise, but my diet wasn't horrendous. I did manage to read more in my book. My mom and I looked at furniture and discussed further improvements to my house (and I should be receiving some fabric swatches for the curtains I want to make for the living room today, along with some other sewing-related materials). I discussed house building plans with my brother (who actually knows something about building houses).

Even though I haven't exactly been concentrating on much of anything, my goals have not been completely ignored. They're a part of me and in my mind all of the time.

Isn't that the way it's supposed to be?

Day 1

2007-11-28T08:40:00.000-08:00

Today is the first day of my 400 Days project. However, I've already been sidetracked.

My grandmother died yesterday morning, so this little project of mine isn't at the top of my list right now. The thing is, life goes on.

Part of the reason I wanted to undertake this project of changing my life is because of my grandparents. They obviously aren't in the best of health, and I don't want to end up where they are. 400 Days is part of my effort to avoid that.

But now I don't know where to start. I'm in a tailspin; everything is spinning and I can't latch on. I'm striking out randomly, and I don't know if I'm doing will help.

This morning I cooked up a big pot of super healthy chicken noodle vegetable soup that I'm taking over to my grandparents' house for whomever might be there (including myself). I had a SlimFast-strawberry-tofu smoothie for breakfast. I attempted to make a reusable grocery bag, but it didn't turn out so well (ah, well, hence the practicing). And I started reading Heart of Darkness on the recommendation of a friend. So all of my goals are in my mind, and I'm not completely ignoring them.

It's just so hard to focus right now.

I'll get back to it eventually.

My Goals for 400 Days

2007-11-26T06:15:00.000-08:00

My intention was to set down at some point this weekend and really think about my goals. That didn't exactly happen. Sure, I've thought about it some, because they are always present in my mind, but I did not devote the time to it that I wanted to. I am so easily sidetracked, after all.

But that doesn't really matter, because I know what I want. Yes, I need to get a bit more specific, but I need to see the big picture before I start picking out small details. Forest and trees and all of that, you know.

So what do I want?

1. Improve my health
I'm not currently the healthiest person on the planet. I'm overweight and out of shape, and my diet could use a good deal of improvement. However, I'm not morbidly obese, I'm not incapable of exercise, and I do like to cook and try new foods, so there is nothing standing in my way on this account. I just have to put forth a little bit of effort. I want to work out 5 days a week, I want to eat more fruits and vegetables, I want to run a half-marathon, and I want to eat out a lot less than I do.

2. Improve my finances
We're not in bad shape financially. With the exception of the car I just bought, we have relatively little consumer debt. Our living expenses are fairly low, and a good portion of our income is disposable. However, at this moment, we're disposing almost all of it, meaning we have very little in savings, and we're not working very hard to pay down the debt we do have. In this category, some of the things on my goal list are paying off debt, building an emergency fund, and investing in my retirement fund.

3. Work from home
This one is very closely related to improving my finances. As of right now, it's not financially feasible for me to just quit my job, so I need some other form of income. There are many ways I could work from home, and I may end up doing more than one. Over the past few weeks I've been doing some thinking, and I've realized that I don't want my job to be a priority in my life. If your basic necessities of life are met, which mine are, there's no reason it should be. There are so many other important things. I might not get to this point by the end of my 400 days, but I want to be closer.

4. Finish a novel
I've written a couple of novels already, and I'm working on another right now. The writing is the easy part. By "finish" I mean write, edit, edit again (more than once, probably), and submit for publication. That's a heck of a lot of work. Seeing as I've already got a head start, 400 days should give me time to work through the entire process.

5. Improve my house
We bought our house almost two years ago, and it's a fixer-upper. It's not bad, and it's certainly liveable, but it could be so much nicer. Most of what it needs is elbow grease, and that I've got. I want at least one major project finished by the end of my 400 days.

6. Learn a new skill
This goal will more likely take the form of becoming better at an old skill. I can do a lot of things--speak French, play the piano, sew--but I can't do many of them well. I want to do at least one thing well by the end of my 400 days.

7. Read
I love books. I have hundreds of them. I've even read most of them. I have a degree in English. However, I do not consider myself well read. This year, I want to read at least 26 books, or 2 per month, 1 "classic" literature, and 1 new release. I like to keep up with the new releases, and I don't feel like I've read as much classic literature as I should have, so I need to get cracking! The best part is that I already have so many books I can read, I won't even have to buy many new ones (although I probably will, because I love buying books). The other part of this goal is to review them for my writing website, To Boldly NaNo.

I'll try to refine these goals more as I go along, pinpointing a few aspects I want to focus on in the next couple of weeks. But this, this is my starting point.

400 Days

2007-11-20T13:29:00.000-08:00

I've had this idea for a new self-project in my head for a while now, and with the way my mind has been working over the past few days I've decided to just do it. The idea, of course, is 400 Days.

What is 400 Days, you ask? Well, it's slightly more than 13 months.

13 months in which I change my life.

The idea I had is to start with several goals of mine--seven goals, technically--and work on them all for 400 Days. For some reason the idea in my head is to end my 400 Days on January 1st, which means it would start on November 28th. For those keeping track, that's a week from tomorrow.

Ideally, I would have liked to give myself a bit more time to prepare for this, but if I wait until I'm perfectly ready I wouldn't get around to it until 2057. Besides, waiting to improve my life only defeats the purpose of the project. So I'm doing it now.

I haven't decided on my finals goals just yet, and I have more thinking to do before making that decision. I have some broad ideas, like getting in shape/losing weight, writing and editing a novel, and improving my finances, but I'd like to have more pinpointed goals. I'll be back before the 28th with my list.

My intention is to post an update here daily, focusing on one goal per day. Of course, I'll work on more than one goal per day, but updates will be on a weekly schedule.

Seven goals in one year is pretty ambitious, I admit, but what can I say? I'm an ambitious girl. I harbor no delusions that I'm going to accomplish everything I ever want to do in 400 measley days, but it will be a step in the right direction. Besides, I really hate waiting for New Years to make my resolutions; it only gives me a reason to do poorly right now.

So what's the point? Well, there are a lot of things I want to accomplish in my life, and frankly if I don't start now, come up with a solid plan, and start making progress, I'm never going to get to where I want to be. These 400 Days are to build momentum, to rack up some small--and maybe even large--accomplishments, and to set myself on the right track.

My friends tell me that I should be a motivational speaker (why not a motivational blogger?), but I think I have to start with motivating myself.